Dust Jacket


      On the day of college graduation it snowed.  I shouldn't have been surprised as it snows randomly here.  Sometimes the first snow of the winter season comes in February and I remember once it snowed on the fourth of July.

      I could have gone to the ceremony, but instead I lay on my bare stomach in a burgundy leather covered dental chair, my arms folded under my chin.  I stared through the doorway of the little room, across the hallway, and out the window while my back twitched involuntarily to the sharp pressure bearing into it.  The last of two sessions, I had fleshy bat-like wings being artistically rendered to either side of a black haired fairy.

      The high-pitched buzzing continued and my lower back burned a little, but I felt him stop a moment for ink.  I took the opportunity to take in a deep breath and relax again.  The snow came down in large, drifting flakes. I felt him rub my back, move around, and let out a breath. "Looks like you're finished," came the low voice of my tattooist as he used a gloved finger to rub Vaseline over the area. "Let me just finish up here," he added under his breath as he used medical tape to secure a square of plastic wrap over the tender flesh. When I finally stood, I had to move slowly. 

      After paying, I began the short walk to the commuter train station where I stood under an iron canopy. The digital marquee told me that the next train would be by in four minutes before the amber lights showed the current time again.  I tucked my hands into the pockets of my black wool jacket and watched the snow beginning to stick on the grass in front of the craft store across the street. I wondered if the tulips that had already shown their petals would be frozen stiff.

      When the train arrived I squirmed to sit comfortably as I scribbled notes in the pocket sized black composition book I always carried with me. I had made it a goal to find something noteworthy relating to every occupant which seemed simple enough in theory. It occupied my mind brilliantly as I had grand ideas to write many tales and I threw each person into a large pool from which I fished. More interesting to me than the crazy, loud, or costumed person were those who stumped me. They looked plain and acted plain in every way until they stepped off the train and it sped away on the tracks leaving them behind. I felt they were the ones with the stories worth hearing.

      My back had gone rather numb by the time the first person to stump me got onto the train.  He had short brown hair styled conservatively, a plain heather gray hooded sweatshirt, and slightly worn blue jeans.  He appeared to be about my age, narrowing the similarity of people with similar attire, appearance, and age to about 30% if the train's typical occupants. I had watched him sit down, his red Chucks planted on the floor as he stared straight ahead.  I might have thought he was deep in thought if his eyes hadn't been so blank.  I watched for a reaction, any reaction, as we passed the city offices and the library.  I observed with keen interest when the woman carrying an empty baby carrier bumped him on the side of his neck.  If it had an effect, I missed it.

      The train stopped beside the city park where the homeless get a free, hot meal on Sunday mornings at five a.m. The single mother who can be seen delegating duties there can barely feed her three teenage children on her full-time job.  Still, she volunteers to gather donations and food from local restaurants to feed the people and her children help serve the food onto very large and sturdy paper plates. I helped them sometimes, but hadn't done so for several months.

      No one ever got off at that stop.  Occasionally a gruff hobo or homeless person would get on, but the young man I had been watching hurriedly stood and waited for the door to open.

      I found myself wondering where all the dull people went when they got off the high-speed train.  Part of me, tempted to follow, twitched.  My back ached a little and I decided I'd rather go home to rest.  The walk from the train station seemed especially long, but I passed the time quickly by imagining my way through one of my stories.

      I walked into the brown hallway of my apartment building and began the ascent.  On the fourth floor, three doors down, I finally stood before my own apartment.  The key caught in the lock, as usual, so that I had to jiggle and jerk at it until it would turn.  With a grumble, I opened the door and stepped inside.  I passed through the tan room and went directly to my bed, covered in blue plaid sheets.  Sitting on the bed, I untied my black combat boots, kicking them off.  I stood again and crossed into the tiny bathroom.

      As I leaned toward the mirror, I saw exhaustion in my own blue eyes.  Brushing back a lock of black hair, I then removed my grey rugby shirt.  When I turned the right way, I got a view of my completed tattoo.  I smiled a little, examining the work.  Though a little red, I could see that the wings had come out beautifully.

§§§§§




      Two days later on Saturday morning I woke early.  My mind raced with various things.  Anxiety over the job search that would begin Monday obscured most of my thoughts about work at night.

      I looked around my apartment. I had let the dishes pile up in the sink and allowed extensive clutter to collect along the kitchen counter, the dining table, and the coffee table.  I began to straighten, stopping to write checks for the bills.  Eventually I had washed, dried, and put away the dishes.  I gave the floor a quick vacuum and flopped on the couch with a book.

      Boredom set in quickly.  Once I felt relaxed from cleaning, I wanted to get out.  The air had warmed a little, the clouds gone.  I put on a jacket grabbed my yellow spiral bound notebook. Taking a water bottle from the fridge, I tucked my little composition book and keys into the jacket pocket, then headed out the door.

      I often rode the train in circles for a few hours.  I turned my spiral bound notebook to a blank page, pulled up my knees, and started writing.  I couldn't say why handwriting while riding a train had become the most inspirational method for me, but I didn't argue it.

      After I had emptied my bottle of water, the train started to get warmer.  The sun had been out all day, penetrating the windows and trapping bits and pieces of each occupant inside the car.  I had put my feet on the floor and leaned over the notebook on my lap, but I sat up and set the pen down to collect my thoughts.

      When I woke, I saw him.  He wore no jacket.  Instead he blended into obscurity in his Primus tour tee and tight black jeans. At the edge of the sleeve, I caught a glimpse of a barb wire armband tattoo. He sat a few seats away on a bench facing the back of the train.  I blinked in his direction and realized he had made eye contact, his eyes golden brown.  He smiled.  I looked down at my notebook as it slid off my lap.  My pen missing, I set the book aside and looked around on the floor.  I started to think it had rolled away when I finally spotted the white monogram under the seat across from me.  I reached out to grab it and stuck it into my pocket with the mini notebook.  Letting out a sigh, I waited to hear the conductor announce the next stop.            

      When the voice over the intercom indicated the stop north of the city near the city park, I glanced at the man for a reason I couldn't identify.  He leaned back, reading the advertisements above the windows.  I hurried through the doors as soon as they opened. I thought about walking around the park to stretch my legs before going home to get ready for work and little else.  I needed the fresh air.  I crossed to the park quickly and stood under the shade of a tree before removing my jacket.  I tossed it on the ground while I stretched my back.

      My eyes were closed, but I snapped to attention when I heard a voice behind me.

      "Most women don't walk around this neighbourhood without a companion or a damned good reason," it said.

      I spun, seeing the person I had labeled as dull standing before me with a large black case in his hand.  I wondered if I should fear for my safety, but I didn't feel the need. I met his gaze fearlessly. 

      "Of course, I can think of a few guys who might think twice about it too, so I'm not saying it's just women," he added with a chuckle.

      I nodded, no words coming to mind.

      "I could walk you to your destination if you'd like."

      I shook my head.  The last thing I wanted to do was explain behaviour that would seem odd on the surface.  Instead I waved at his case.  "Smuggling power rifles, are we?"

      The look that crossed his face briefly made me think I'd said the wrong thing, but then licked his lips. "You never know."  I perceived an attempt to sound menacing, though he wasn't successful. He smiled as I studied a scar on his chin. "I'm in a band," he said finally.

      "You play the drums, I suppose."

      He chuckled.  "Bass guitar, to be exact."

      "Do you play anywhere?"

      "Sometimes."

      "Where?"

      "All over town," he responded.

      I shifted, putting a hand on one hip.  "You know, I work at Titus.  They feature local bands there every weekend."

      "We've auditioned there.  Said we weren't really Titus material whatever that means."

      "It probably means you don't suck." I paused.  "Well, not that I'm an expert, but I don't think the bands that play there are much more than sufficient.  Three chord guitars, pathetic lyrics, and some pretty girl who can barely carry a tune, but she looks sexy when she bangs the tambourine off rhythm."

      He laughed a little.  "You sound like an expert to me."

      "I like music. So what kind of music do you play?"

      "Sort of punk," he replied. "Dust Jacket.  Have you ever heard of us?"

      I shook my head. "I'd like to hear more bands, but since I'm stuck at Titus most weekends my options are limited."

      "Are you a waitress?"

      "Bartender," I responded.  "But I'm looking for something else."

      "We've got a gig tonight at Skellington's.  You're welcome to come."

      I cocked my head.  "I have to work tonight," I said.

      He pulled out a cell phone and glanced at it.

      "What time is it?" I asked.

      He squinted, then put it away.  "Almost six."

      I nodded slowly.

      "I'm not keeping you from something, am I?"

      I shook my head. 

      "So what kind of work are you looking for?"

      I let out a breath.  "I don't know yet.  It didn't occur to me until graduation that a degree in English doesn't get you very far."

      He laughed.  "No it doesn't.  Our drummer feels the same way."

      "Oh?"

      "He didn't graduate, though.  Dropped out in the last year."

      "I don't really care what I find.  I just want a job that allows me more freedom on the weekends. Now that I don't have school to worry about anymore, I want my weekends free to do the things I couldn't do while working." I found myself fiddling with my fingers as I shifted again.  I picked up my jacket.  "I guess I should be going," I said, heading back toward the train.

      "Where are you headed?"

      "I have to ride the train home.  I just got off to stretch my legs."

      He nodded, smiling.  "If you ever make it to a show, be sure to say hello," he added at the last second.

      "I will," I said softly as I headed back toward the train stop.

§§§§§




      I spent the weekend working and the next week I filled with applications, interviews, coffee, and alcohol. For some strange reason, I thought a piece of paper would make me marketable; show me as trainable.  Apparently English is completely useless in the modern world, but since I rather enjoyed pouring drinks, I couldn't complain too much.  The main problem was that I spent my weekends behind the bar instead of in front of it.  Every guy thinks he is the original master of comedy and pick-ups when he sees me standing before him with an adult beverage in my hands.  I had learned to tune them out.

      Four in the morning a week or two later, I found myself desperate for a cigarette with none in sight. I could have thrown on a dirty shirt, but as I stood in my bra, I had an epiphany.  I opened the closet and pulled out my black fleece jacket.  Throwing it on, I grabbed my keys and headed for the front door.

      As long as I found myself at the store, I thought I would treat myself to a candy bar.  Standing before the rack, debating my options based on the ratio of nuts to chocolate, I reached into my pockets.  Finding a pen there, I took it out and looked at it for a moment.  Normally a pen would not be remarkable, but the one I held in my hand was the exact one I had accidentally stolen from the bank.  It had their distinctive white monogram on it.  All at once I thought of the last time I had it and reached back into my pocket for the little black notebook.  Finding it empty, I switched hands and checked the other pocket.  In a moment of panic, I stuck my hands in both pockets.  I could not say for sure why I felt panic by a missing notebook except that I had kept so many notes in it, but suddenly I found myself aware it was missing. Those notes could never be replaced as life never repeats itself so perfectly because if it did, it would be too dull to consider for writing. Sighing, I grabbed my standby favourite chocolate bar and headed for the aisle of office supplies.  Though I kept a small collection of notebooks, I felt a need to buy a new one to replace the lost one.  As though choosing the perfect diamond bracelet, I stood in the aisle for almost an hour before selecting just the right book and taking it to the register with my chocolate bar.

      With a lit cigarette between two fingers, I wrote a note in the new book with my right hand about the facial tattoo on the female employee behind the counter.

      Four months seemed to fly by before the suit jacket I had purchased paid off and I finally told my boss at Titus that he needed to find a replacement.  By then I had forgotten about the notebook. Mostly I thought about the relief of leaving as there was a certain amount of tension between myself and one of the other bartenders. Two weeks later I spent my last night listening to the random bits of conversation and ridiculous drunken claims of the bar patrons. On my way out, I took the latest issue of the weekly underground paper Titus sponsored.  It often had interesting articles and views from a different perspective.

      At home I put my feet up and opened the paper, turning pages one by one until I saw the local band reviews.  Dust Jacket finally had their moment in print and at the end of the paragraph the critic listed their next two scheduled appearances.  I left the paper open on the coffee table to remind myself the next morning that I would have to make weekend plans.

      When Saturday came, I found myself embroiled in a battle with a computer program which I had boasted myself more than competent to my new boss, Mr. Hinkle.  Complete darkness had fallen on the rest of the apartment as I stared into the bright light of the monitor before I had enough.  I slammed my hand on the mouse, jumped to my feet, snatched my wallet and keys from the table as I passed, and slammed the door behind me as I left.

      I still hadn't decided for certain if I was going to go to the club when I left my apartment.  I had been back and forth with myself on the subject for the second half of the week.  Part of me thought of the meeting with the stranger as a simple moment.  Another part of me was curious.  Amongst a few other parts, there was a new part; the one that just wanted to get the hell out and have a few drinks.  I just wanted to deal with it tomorrow.  Tomorrow, surely, I'd work out the kinks. 

      I took the train, as usual, because it was my favourite form of transportation. I could buy a monthly pass and then spend only a little on cabs when the buses and trains weren't running.  When I got off, I had a three block walk to Skellington's, but I didn't mind.  I half-jogged most of the way.  Already packed, I heard only a combination of noises until I pushed my way further into the crowd.  Once I saw the man from the train, head bowed, shoulders bopping, fingers jumping on the bass guitar, I let myself really hear the tune. The fast, dark tones hypnotized a chunk of the crowd into a dance which revolved around bouncing.  I made my way back to the bar and ordered a drink. 

      Three drinks later, I made my way back into the crowd and started to dance along.  What I could make out sounded good to me.  Nearing the stage, I danced and watched these young men playing their instruments.  The completely bald singer played an electric guitar with simple chords. Beside him, the one I knew from the train played while it looked like he was thinking about something else altogether.  He wore a Nirvana tee and green cargo denims and his hair stood up in short spikes.  Behind them, the drummer had wildly spiky blonde hair with black tips and pale skin, his beat fast and intense. I saw a tattoo on his arm and another peeking up through the neck of his shirt. Opposite the bassist they had another electric guitar.  This one played notes quickly, his fingers almost a blur as the right hand flicked in syncopated movements. His slightly longer, red hair brushed back and forth across his face as he moved to the beat from the drum.

      I found myself enthralled, becoming part of the hypnosis.  Women stood at the stage hollering cat-calls to the band members.  I could see right away that the drummer and the bass players were both a little flirty.  The bass player would offer a little wink or a smile, but the drummer was trouble.  He liked to stick out his tongue and flip his middle finger in their direction.  I noticed that only enticed some of the women more.  It had been so long since I had been clubbing and before I became a bartender I'd spent little time around live bands that I found the entire atmosphere stimulating.

      The night progressed and I had another drink or two, losing count because my mind was on the band.  They finished their set and began to pack up as a woman with short red hair stepped onto the stage by Drummer's invitation.  Within moments she began touching his arm and laughing too hard.  I rolled my eyes and touched the bassist as he passed.  He stopped, staring blankly as he took the strap from around his neck and shoulder.

      "I was right.  You are too good for Titus."

      He furrowed his brow, then recognized me with a snap, I assumed, by the way he suddenly lifted his chin and grinned.  "From the train," he said simply.

      I nodded.  "I liked it.  You guys are really good," I said, then looked toward the bar to make it look like I wasn't one of those annoying flirts.  I thought about getting one last drink before calling a cab. 

      The options I pondered were interrupted when he grasped my arm and tugged. "Come with me," he said, walking toward the dark hallway behind the stage.

      I went along willingly, the dark hallway giving way to a door.  On the other side of it, we could hear each other better, though my ears were still muffling every sound. I watched him a moment as he squatted and placed his black and white guitar in a case before speaking.  "Can I help you with something?" I offered.

      Carefully folding the strap, he then placed it in a pocket and zipped up the case.  When he straightened he met my gaze with a shake of his head.  "I just thought you might like to hang out.  We usually have a couple drinks after the show.  The guys were saying they were hungry so we might even go to an all night diner."

      I blinked before I could answer.  "Sounds like fun," I remarked, though I heard the hesitancy in my own voice.

      He chuckled, then put a hand to his temple.  "Oh God.  We didn't even do the name thing."  Moving the hand from his head toward me, he stiffened.  "I'm Peter," he said, but barely got the words out before the band entered with their equipment and the red-headed woman.  The woman and Drummer laughed expressively while the other two tried to talk over each other.  They entered without acknowledging me.  Lead Singer immediately grabbed Peter by the shoulder.  "You fucked me up on that last song," he accused.

      "I don't know what happened," Peter said lightly as he pushed Lead Singer away.  "Hey guys.  I've got company.  Do you mind if she stays to party?"

      "The more the merrier," Drummer piped in, taking a step away from the red-headed woman.

      Peter motioned around the room.  First he waved toward Lead Singer.  "This is Frick," he began, then pointed to the guitarist followed by the drummer.  "That's Sir Gay and Wolf."  He paused.  "I don't know this lovely young fan," he said as he winked at the woman beside Wolf.

      "Cynthia," she said, then giggled.

      Peter glanced at me, then frowned.  "I didn't get your name," he said.

      I looked around.  "Charlie," I responded simply.

      "Charlie," Peter repeated to everyone.

      "Somebody get me a beer," Frick said dryly.

      Peter left my side to cross the room.  As he got out a case of beer and opened it, I folded my arms.  Wolf seemed very taken with Cynthia and she still laughed too hard at everything he said, touching him whenever possible, more every minute.  Sir Gay set his guitar aside and crossed to stand beside me.  "You like the show?" he asked.

      I nodded.  "It was great."

      "Just great?"

      I shrugged.  "I don't know much about music, but I liked it."

      He frowned.  "Did you just meet Peter tonight?"

      "No.  I met him a few months ago, actually, but he told me I should come check you guys out.  I saw something in the paper about it."

      "Oh yeah?"

      I nodded.  When he pulled out a cigarette and lit it, I watched.  He took a couple puffs before looking at me again.  "Hey, you want one?"

      "No, I'm good," I said.  He looked at me as though trying to think of something to say.  Finally I shifted my weight.  "How did everyone get their nicknames?" I asked, mostly curious about his.

      Sir Gay sighed.  "They're not really nicknames," he remarked.  "My name's Sergei.  The guys think Sir Gay is more funny."  He shrugged.  "It only bothered me for a little while."  He looked up and waved toward the singer.  "Frick's name is Frederick.  We tried Fred and Rick and he kept saying ‘my name's Frederick', you know?  Finally one night in a drunken snit, Peter called him Frick and it stuck."  He glanced toward the drummer.  "His parents cursed him with the name Wolfgang.  They were hoping he'd do great things.  Instead he started this band."  Sir Gay chuckled.  "Actually he is pretty talented.  Frick and Wolf write everything for the band and Wolf can play guitar and keyboards, too. Wolf just got stuck behind drums because when we first found each other, we didn't have a drummer."

      "How long have you guys been playing together?"

      "Ten years," Sir Gay remarked with disdain, then took a long drag.  After finally blowing it out, he chuckled.  "Sick, huh?  We were all high school geeks in Wolf's garage when we started out."

      "That's pretty good, though.  Don't usually hear of local bands lasting that long."

      Sir Gay nodded, smiling as he watched the guys laughing.  "Yeah, you're right.  We're all friends. Good friends.  The kind of friends who look out for each other."

      Peter stepped beside me, guiding our conversations together instead of joining the one Sir Gay and I had going.  He pushed the subject of a diner until everyone had agreed.

      We went to a small diner with Monet style wall prints and seats covered in obnoxious flowered vinyl. Peter asked for the large corner booth.  Somehow I ended up in the middle with Peter and Frick to either side of me. The guys talked about the show for the most part until we had nibbled on the table full of shared appetizers.

      Frick and Peter had been talking about women when I suddenly heard them say something about chest hairs.  Sir Gay heard it too and leaned forward.  "What's this?" he asked.

      Peter chuckled.  "Carla.  Out of the blue she asked me if I ever thought about waxing my chest."

      Wolf chimed in.  "What is it with women and chest hair?"

      "You either have too much or not enough," Peter said.

      "Can we talk about something other than chest hair?" Cynthia asked with disdain.

      The guys all looked at each other, then sipped at their drinks or picked at some food.  Finally I looked to Peter.  "Well, are we talking about a monkey chest?"

      "I only have a little hair," Peter replied.

      Cynthia clicked her tongue.  After a second I leaned toward Peter.  "I think we're going to have to see it."

      Without coaxing, Peter jerked his shirt up to his neck revealing all including a nipple ring and a dragon tattoo on his pectoral.  All the guys looked, but Cynthia turned away.  "It's like a soul patch," I remarked, looking at the triangle of straight black hair.  I stared a moment longer.  "Wow.  You have the most perfect man nipples I've ever seen."

      Wolf and Sir Gay laughed.  Peter smiled.  "Behold my man-nipple!" he said so loudly that the other patrons looked our direction.  We all laughed, except for Cynthia who squirmed.  Finally Peter put his shirt down.

      I sucked air through my teeth. "Well, I know how you feel.  Guys are always asking me to wax my chest, but I say love me, love my sweater."  The guys laughed again.

      I sipped my soda as things quieted down again.  "So, how did you and Peter meet?" Frick asked me before I had finished drinking.

      "We rode the commuter together," I responded.

      Peter stopped his conversation to glance at Frick.  Meeting Peter's gaze, Frick smiled.  "Is this the train girl?" he asked.

      I wondered what about our meeting might have made it noteworthy to his friends so I looked to Peter for an answer.  Peter quickly said "Shush," then grinned at me.

      Wolf sat up straight.  "Train girl? Notebook girl?" he asked.

      "Shut the fuck up!" Peter exclaimed.

      Now I searched Wolf's expression for answers before turning back to Peter.  "What does that mean?"

      Peter shrugged.  "Wolf's had a lot to drink tonight."

      "Notebook girl?" I asked, then began looking to each face for an answer.  They avoided eye contact.  I gasped slightly.  "Did I drop my notebook on the train?" I asked Peter.

      Peter shifted, staring at his glass of water. He cleared his throat, not looking at me as he spoke quietly.  "On the grass in the park."

      I closed my eyes tight.  "Oh God, please tell me you didn't read it."

      "There were some poems in there I thought were great," Wolf offered.

      I swallowed hard, feeling my face flush from embarrassment.  "You know, I should probably go.  Can you let me out?" I asked Frick.

      Frick chuckled.  "Oh, come on."

      I felt incredibly stupid.  I wrapped my hand around my soda until my fingers got cold then put them to my face.  No one moved to let me out.  Peter tried to console me, but I paid no attention to his words.  Anything they said would only embarrass me more.  Eventually I felt a hand touch mine and I looked up.  Frick cocked his head.  "We wanted to turn one of the poems into a song."

      I stared, assuming I hadn't understood him correctly. "I just use it for notes and things.  It's not meant to be read.  Everything in is it silly."

      At that moment, Wolf was drinking, but he immediately set it down.  "No, really.  It's that one about the lunatics staring at the moon.  Peter read it to us and I could hear a song in my head."

      I stared.

      "You know the one I'm talking about, right?"

      "Of course, but a song?"  I scratched my temple.  "I'm just not sure I see how it could be a song."

      Wolf grinned.  "I might have to change it a bit.  We sort of played around with it, but of course it was just for fun.  Peter said he didn't know how to find you."

      I glanced at Peter. "Good thing she found us."  He grinned, tapping my arm.

      Cynthia looked annoyed.  She grabbed Wolf's arm and leaned toward his ear.  Whispering into it, he nodded and excused them both. 

      Once they were gone, Peter sighed and grabbed a napkin.  "Frick, you got a pen?"

      Frick shook his head, but Sir Gay produced one.  Peter took it and started to scribble a phone number on the napkin.  "Come by tomorrow about 4 o'clock.  You'll have to get off by the park where we met. I'll wait at the train stop and walk you back to the building.  We'll let you hear what Wolf's got so far and see what you think."

      I took the napkin and looked him in the eye.  "Really?"

      He nodded, then pushed another napkin and the pen toward me.  "This time I want your number, Charlie.  I want to track you down if you don't show."

      I wrote it, but as I handed the pen back I met his gaze again.  "But I'll show," I said.  Satisfied he took the napkin and handed the pen back to Sir Gay.  I looked at my watch.  "It's late," I said.  "I really should get going.  Now that I work the old eight-to-five I have a hard time staying up all night."

      "I'd offer to drive you back to the club, but my car's still in the shop," Peter offered.

      I shook my head.  "I just need to call a cab.  I took the train in."

      "Oh, in that case," Sir Gay said as he started to scoot out where Wolf and Cynthia had been.  "I'll just drive you home."

      "I can't ask that.  It's out of your way."

      "Where do you live?"

      "The East side, near the university."

      "Then why don't I drive?" Frick offered.  "I live up that way."

      "I couldn't ask you to do that."

      Frick waved his hand.  "I don't mind.  Come on."

      Tentatively I followed. 

§§§§§




      I stepped off the train at five to four and saw Peter walking across the park toward me.  He saw me and smiled.  "I'm glad you came."

      "I told you I would." He nodded and we started back across the park. After crossing the grassy area of the park we came upon a street corner.  The cross-walk began flashing a white person and a chirping sound signified the safety as we crossed.  He walked very quickly, turning down an alley between two red brick buildings. I hastened my stride to keep pace.  At the end of the alley, I followed him into a courtyard surrounded by overgrown trees and vines.  I'd never seen the intimacy in this part of the city.  It took me a few moments before I saw a black iron gate permanently held open by thick vines.  Peter led me through the gate and as we came out, I found myself behind more buildings.  When I glanced down the alley and across the street, I saw a little known art gallery and the place most people called The Green Bar because its name changed almost annually, but every owner kept the green paint around the door and windows fresh.

      I looked at the buildings to either side of the alley.  Old and decrepit, I noted a realty sign offering office space.  I heard the screech and crash of a car accident not too far away as Peter turned to another passageway behind one of the buildings.  The building's caramel bricks were weathered and rough; the upper floors black from years of pollution and buildup.  Along the edges of the alley I noticed rubbish and sludge. Halfway down there were cement steps leading to a dented, paint-chipped door which Peter had to unlock with a key.  Inside we climbed five flights of stairs in a staircase that smelled of stale garbage and urine, but there was very little trash to be seen.  The stairs were much steeper and harder to climb than those in my apartment. At the top I stopped and took a deep breath.  Peter chuckled.  "Yeah, you get used to it," he remarked, then opened another door with his key.  The walls had been whitewashed, then covered in various graffiti.  It looked like a condemned apartment building, the cement floors permanently stained.  He walked me passed several doors; many with signs or posters.

      Peter waved toward an open door.  "That's the bathroom," he said, then waved down the hall.  "There's another down there.  Those are the only two on this floor so you'll want to remember them." 

      "What is this place?" I asked.

      "It's an old tenement."  He pointed to where the wall ended halfway down the hall, then started again, forming a gathering area.  "There used to be a public phone, but the owner tore it out. He told us there were some couches and all the neighbours would gather around for little parties. Now we use it to talk on our cell phones when we need privacy.  This guy bought the building and tore everything out of the apartments.  He rents them to musicians like us."

      "What do you mean by ‘tore everything out'?"

      "Stoves, counters, that kind of thing.  I mean, it was a tenement.  There wasn't much to begin with, but he basically turned them into studios."  He came upon a door with a small poster that had each of their faces integrated on vinyl records. It said ‘Dust Jacket' as the album's title, then had a name on each to coincide with the face.  The top two read Wolf Mosler and Frick Joplin.  The bottom two had the names Peter Checkov and Sir Gay Brokinoff printed.  "We got lucky," he continued.  "Got in early and got one of these.  They're bigger up here, plus they have much better sound than the apartments below."

      "And what about the other musicians?  Do you all hang out together?"

      "Well, we all sort of keep to ourselves.  Don't want anyone ripping us off and all, but we're friendly."

      Stepping in, I found the place covered in rust coloured plush carpet. At first, the ceilings were a little lower than the average height, but a few feet in, it opened into vaulted ceilings.  Opposite from the door, a large window let in dim light obstructed by a huge blue flag with a red guitar design in the center.  Scattered around the room were various instruments and electronic recording equipment which he and I stepped through carefully.  As we stepped out from under where the ceiling was low, I realized it wasn't a ceiling, but a loft above.  Peter started up a ladder leaned against the side wall and climbed onto the second level.  He couldn't stand up quite straight as he turned back to me, watching my ascent and offering me a hand onto the landing.  When I stood straight, my head bumped the ceiling and everyone chuckled.  I noticed then that Frick and Sir Gay were sitting on a terribly worn brown couch and Wolf sat back in a cubby-hole torn out of the wall.

      Frick moved over and patted the couch.  "There's room here.  Beer's over there."  He pointed across the way and I saw a college-sized refrigerator beside a small television with rabbit-antenna on top.

      Peter tapped my shoulder.  "I'll get the beer," he said.

      I sat beside Frick.  Peter handed me a cold beer, then sat on the floor.  Wolf puffed on a cigarette. 

      "We're on a beer break," Wolf said.  "Gotta have some beer and cigarettes to play well, you know?"

      Peter chuckled. "Beer and cigarettes.  Isn't that the soda and cookies of our generation?" A line from my notebook.  I looked at him and smiled, not letting it show that it affected me at all even though I felt very insecure about every word I wrote.

      Wolf smirked.  "We'll grow up not knowing how to drink champagne and smoke cigars."  Another line.

      I gave him my obligatory smile before I sipped on the beer.  "This is a pretty cool place," I commented, looking around as I took another sip of the bitter ale. I studied them a moment, then chose to look Peter in the eye.  "Do I get my notebook back if I listen to the song?" I asked.

      Frick chuckled and Peter grinned.  "Of course," he responded.  Wolf reached behind himself into the cubbyhole where he sat and pulled the little book out, passing it to me. 

      I took it, flipped through, then leaned back to push it into the pocket of my torn blue jeans.  "Thanks."

      "Aw, what's the matter?  Does it bother you that we read it?" Peter asked.

      I straightened.  "No.  Not at all," I lied.  The thoughts I wrote in it were just snippets of life, most of them rejected later.

      Somewhere a cell phone began to play a popular tune.  I sipped my beer, watching as Sir Gay shifted, took a phone from his pocket, and touched a button before putting it to his ear.  "Hi," he said with a tone of familiarity.  "Just hanging out."  He shifted back into a comfortable position and Wolf put out his cigarette into a tin coffee can between the cubby hole and the couch.  The room smelled stronger than it had when I first came in.  "Yeah, we're at the studio.  Did you want to come by?"  Sir Gay frowned.  "I understand.  We're still having dinner, right?"

      Frick let out a breath.  I looked at him.  "His girlfriend," he said.  "Marie."

      I nodded slowly, sipped the beer, and looked at Frick.  "Do you have a girlfriend?"

      He pursed his lips as he shook his head.  His demeanor made me wonder if he even had an interest in women. I looked to Wolf.  "I prefer to keep my options open."  He grinned widely, a hint of devil in it.

      With raised eyebrows, I set my sights on Peter.  He shrugged.  "Her name is Carla.  She travels a lot."

      "Travels?"

      Peter nodded.  "She's an assistant for this huge stock broker.  He takes her on trips to the other offices because she's the one who can keep everything straight."  I noticed that Wolf and Frick wouldn't make eye contact with anyone after that, their beers suddenly essential.

      Sir Gay began chatting into the phone about computers.  Wolf cleared his throat.  "Well, I'm ready to get back to rehearsal whenever Sir Gay can break himself free of his phone."

      Frick nodded in agreement.  "Let's go down and get hooked up." Looking at me, he cocked his head.  "You can stay up here to listen if you want."

      "I'd like to come down and watch if that's okay."  He nodded and I stood.  They let me descend the ladder first, then they started checking the sounds. 

      Wolf sat on a stool with an acoustic guitar.  "I'll just play it solo so you can hear it.  I think you'll get the idea that way."

      I nodded.  He plucked out a few chords, then cleared his throat and shifted the chords into a rhythmic tune. Once past the first few notes, he hit the strokes harder, an interesting tune arising as his rough voice began. "Behind thick brick walls…Behind iron white bars…Beyond the gates…Beyond the scars…" Peter picked up his bass and started picking a dark trail behind Wolf. "Lunatics made by the moon…which they cannot see…Lunatics made by man…who won't let them be…We're fated…to be sedated…by fear of silence;…addiction to sound…Crushing the brainwashing…on the walls where we pound…I won't be stopped…I won't be told…I won't be hypnotized…I won't be sold…"

      The words had sounded so stupid to me when I had written them. Maybe they were still stupid, but he found a passion in them when he sang them. I could have been sold anything; just as the poem had protested.  I could only manage to stare. 

      Wolf looked up and half grinned.  "I thought we'd repeat that last bit, maybe throw in another verse, but only if you want to."

      I folded my arms in front of me.  "I don't think it's my decision to make," I said.

      "Of course it is," Peter responded, putting his guitar down.  "Look, we were just playing around with it," he said with a wave of his hand.

      I shook my head.  "No, I mean you've made it into something else.  I don't know the first thing about it.  Whatever you think will make it good.  It's yours."

      Wolf grinned, glancing at Frick with a very pleased expression.

      "We'll credit you when we record it," Sir Gay said as he came down the ladder.

      I pursed my lips.  "Whatever you think is best.  I don't know anything," I explained again, dropping my arms to my side in a sweeping motion.  "I like it, though. That much I know." 

      I watched Sir Gay pick up his guitar and start tuning it.  "Are we going to have a real rehearsal or what, guys?" he mumbled.

      Wolf stood, handing the guitar from his lap to Frick.  Moving behind the drums, he sat on a seat with torn vinyl.  "Marie's not coming over again, huh?" he said.

      Sir Gay stopped tuning and turned his eyes on Wolf.  "She's busy," he said.

      "More like we're too noisy and childish," Wolf remarked, looking at Frick.

      "Look, you guys give her a hard time." Sir Gay had an edge of irritation in his voice.  I leaned back against the wall.

      Peter stretched his fingers.  "We give everyone a hard time."

      "She doesn't get the band," Wolf injected.

      "And we agreed that if they don't get the band, they don't get it, right?" Frick added.

      Sir Gay sighed.  "Look, it's not a big deal.  As long as it doesn't cut into the band's time and the only thing cutting into our time here is the fact that you guys won't shut your yaps and play."  Sir Gay started playing a series of chords.

      Wolf bowed his head, chuckled, and started a boom bah beat in complete ignorance of what Sir Gay played.  Stopping, Sir Gay started playing again, this time new chords and a rhythm which coincided with Wolf's playing.  Peter added his low tune and a moment later, Frick added his smooth, deep voice.

§§§§§




      It would be a little confusing for me to explain exactly how things ended up so inexplicable.  I kept getting invitations to rehearsals and pretty soon, I never missed a show.  They gave me a copy of a CD they had made in their studio which had surprisingly good sound considering that fact. I learned about their tattoos and their girlfriends.  I talked very little about my tattoos or my past. 

      They complained about the jobs they held during the weekdays so that they would be free to rehearse most evenings plus weekends.  Peter worked at the University so he sometimes drove me to the rehearsals and because Frick lived near me, he often gave me a ride home in the van he bought to transport things for the band. Sir Gay worked at a bank and drove a black Lexus which had been repossessed from someone who hadn't been able to make payments.  Out of paranoia, he usually got a ride to and from the gigs with someone else.

      Rehearsals often meant getting half drunk (completely drunk on weekends) with talk about anything and everything. Early on they introduced weed to rehearsals and I realized they had been cautious until they knew my opinion on the matter. Since I had none as long as they shared, we got high at least once a week.

      I met several other bands, a couple who had played at Titus though I'd never interacted with them personally.  Somehow I had become a part of their circle.

      Things integrated smoothly.  There were no tricks or special effects that brought it all together.  Then it seemed like everything blew up at once.

      Late one Saturday night, their show was only half over, but Wolf had already picked up his flavour of the week. She had short black hair, dark brown eyes, and a sleeveless blouse that rode up whenever she danced.  After a short break, I wandered the club helping the guys find Wolf to start the next set.  Frick and I came upon them at the same time, Wolf's tongue halfway down her throat as they sat in a dark corner.

      "Come on." Frick folded his arms in front of himself.  "We've got to get the show going again."

      Wolf pulled his mouth away, keeping his eyes on her as he chuckled.  "Oh all right," he said, standing. "You'll wait for me, won't you baby?" he said.

      She smiled a bright white smile and nodded.  He held out his hand, pulled her to his feet, then said "We'll hook up after the show."

      I watched her dancing up against the stage for the next hour.  Wolf kept winking at her and sticking out his tongue in her direction.  I saw her perspire every time he did.  A woman showed Peter her breasts, but he kept playing, winking only once.  At one point I saw Frick watching a couple with much interest.  The woman wore a short black skirt and white blouse and the well built man in jeans held her ass.  She whispered into his ear and left the dance floor.  The man turned and started dancing with a woman who had been by herself.  Frick watched the display, keeping his eyes on the man as he moved from woman to woman, then glanced my direction.  When our eyes met, his gaze lifted out over the entire crowd.

      When they stopped playing again, Wolf came down the steps to meet his pixie, his vision narrow.  I crossed the stage to go up the steps and help the guys move equipment, but before I got there, an arm reached out of the darkness.  Wolf landed on the ground.  Peter and Sir Gay leapt across the stage.  Sir Gay pounced the owner of the arm just as his foot made contact with Wolf's stomach.  Frick bypassed the steps, jumping off the stage and pushing his way to Wolf before I had a chance to reach them.  Wolf's hand covered his face and blood started to seep between his fingers. With his free hand, he reached out for the guy's leg. I found myself knocked to the ground as a fight broke out.  I rolled out of the way, up against the stage, and watched as the burly security guys pushed their way in and broke up the fight.

      An hour later Peter and I found ourselves in the waiting area of the emergency room sitting across from each other.  Frick had stayed with Wolf and while Sir Gay went to x-ray, we didn't seem to have much else to do other than sit and wait.  The waiting area had been quiet for about twenty minutes when Peter let out a sigh.  "Well, Carla's cheating on me."

      I sat up straight. The other band members had harassed him about it several times, but Peter always shrugged it off. "Don't believe the guys.  They're just messing with you, you know," I said.

      He shook his head.  "It's not them.  I've known for a while."

      "You have?"

      "Yeah, she's fucking her boss."

      "So what are you going to do about it?"

      He slouched down in the chair and folded his arms.  "Don't know."

      "Why are you telling me?"

      He shrugged.  "I guess I'm wondering what you think I should do."

      "Me?  I don't know her.  What do you want to do?"

      "Break up with her."

      "Then you should."

      He frowned, looking at his bloody shoe.  "Yeah, but it's been going on for a long time.  Why break up with her now?"

      "You tell me."

      He smirked.  "Because the sex sucks now." He looked up.  "I mean, at first it didn't matter much because she still fucked me, but lately, it really sucks."

      I smirked.  "Then break up with her."

      "Don't know how.  I don't want to hurt her feelings."

      I moved beside him.  "I wouldn't worry about her, Peter. You can't stay with her just because you don't want to hurt her feelings.  God, if she cared about your feelings, she wouldn't be fucking her boss."

      "Well, yeah, but I let it go on for so long."

      Instinctively, I put my hand on Peter's knee.  "She made the choice to sleep with him and lie to you.  You have the right to make your choice to end it whenever you want to.  You can't spend all your time worrying about her when she obviously doesn't care about you, can you?"

      He shrugged.  "So what do I say?"

      "Well, the high road would be to just tell her you don't want to date her anymore." I leaned back and put my hands over my stomach.  "Personally I'd rather arrange to catch them in bed so you have an excuse to throw something at them."

      Peter laughed a little, then became serious and sighed again.  "What was I thinking getting mixed up in this anyway?" he asked rhetorically.

      "Well, a few days ago I might have said Wolf has the right idea, but that guy was screaming about his girlfriend so I'm thinking one-nighters aren't the best choice either."

      We laughed together.  "Think his nose is broken?" Peter asked.

      Before I got a chance to answer, a young woman whose bones stuck out ran to the desk and we both watched her. She spoke in a squeaky voice.  "I'm looking for my boyfriend!" she screeched, panicked.  When she turned, I recognized her.

      Elbowing Peter, he nodded. "He thinks that the less he knows about a girl the easier it is, but this is the reason why there's a minimum to what you should know before you fuck."

      A nurse escorted the woman to the back as she told her that there were police officers with her boyfriend.  Moments later, Frick came out.  He sat across from us with an exhausted huff.  "It's broken," he said, then shook his head.  "The jackass's girlfriend just showed up."

      "We saw her," Peter interjected.  "Just the nose?"

      "Yeah.  Turns out the ribs are just a little bruised.  He'll be fine in a couple days."

      "What about Sir Gay?" I asked.

      "It's all bruises. They're getting ready to release him.  Wolf will be ready as soon as they set his nose."

      "And the guy?" Peter sat forward.

      "Broke a couple fingers or something.  He's getting stitches in his eyelid. They said they're going to take him into custody as soon as the hospital's finished with him." Frick rubbed his eyes.  "I'll wait here and take Wolf.  You mind taking Sir Gay with you, Peter?"

      "Not at all.  I already told Charlie I'd take her home so I guess that takes care of things."

      Frick nodded slowly, then stood.  "I'm going to go back and see how Wolf's doing."

      Peter and I nodded simultaneously.  Frick went back through the ER doors.  I looked at Peter.  "Some women…" I began, then corrected myself.  "Some people don't really think about the consequences."  I waved toward the doors.  "She didn't think about what her apparently violent boyfriend would do when he found out she cheated.  Carla didn't think about how it would affect you.  Aren't you just pissed at her?"

      He shrugged.

      "How did you feel when you realized she was sleeping with him?"

      "A little angry."

      The doors across the way opened and Sir Gay stepped through.  "Hey guys," he said.

      I leaned toward Peter.  "Don't worry so much about her.  You want out?  You get out."  Standing, I smiled at Sir Gay.  "Hey.  You ready to go?"

      He nodded.  Peter stood and led the way to his car.

§§§§§




      If there is a God I think he was pretty sure Wolf hadn't been punished enough for a while, I suppose.  Nearly a week later he had stopped babying his ribs and his nose became the focus of complaints.  Thursday night he got to practice late.  Peter and Frick had already played a song they had been working on and I had already had three beers.  The door opened below where I lay on the couch smoking a joint while Sir Gay sat in the cubbyhole drinking.  I heard Frick first.  "Where the hell have you been?"

      Wolf's voice responded with agitation.  "Sorry.  I got held up at work."

      "What happened?" Peter asked.

      "I got held up," he responded.  "Literally,"

      I looked at Sir Gay in shock.  Moving off the couch, I leaned over the edge of the platform and saw Wolf in my upside down view.  "Like at gunpoint?"

      "Yes." Wolf worked in a gas station located behind a bunch of houses.  It seemed a bad location for a convenience store, but the fact that it got little business appealed to Wolf who could write music whenever there weren't customers.  He shook his head.  "Guy walks in, points the gun at me, says give me the money."

      "What did you do?" Peter asked.

      "I gave it to him. Like I'm going to get shot for that asshole boss of mine?"  He started for the ladder.  "I need a fucking beer," he mumbled.

      Rolling over, I grabbed a beer and passed it to him by the time he got to the top.  As I went back to the couch, I sat on one side so Wolf could sit also, but he chose to sit beside the television.  The others followed him up and sat around the loft.

      "Fuck rehearsals," Wolf breathed after he'd had half his beer and held his hand out to me.  I passed him the joint which he smoked as though it were food and he hadn't eaten in a week.  "I'm not up for it tonight."  Leaning his head back against the wall, he passed it back to me and rubbed his temple.  "Do you mind, guys?"

      "A night to just get drunk works for me," Peter said.  "I took tomorrow off work.  They told me I'd lose my paid-time-off if I didn't use some of it so I told them I'd take Friday and Monday."

      Sir Gay grabbed a beer.  "I think I can only afford one more," he said.

           A couple hours later, Sir Gay, who had a respectable job as a bank teller which he liked had gone home for the night. Frick, manager of a music store had convinced himself that he wasn't going back to work.  Wolf had a few beers and his senses seemed numb.  I had sprawled back out on the couch and he sat beside it.  Frick handed Peter the last beer.

      Frick started to complain about his job.  Peter listened, but I felt tired and closed my eyes.  Moments later I felt something on the bottom of my foot.  I pulled my knee up and opened my eyes.  Wolf smiled.  "I'm sorry.  You want to sit here?" I asked.  He nodded so I pulled up the other knee and he moved to sit on the couch.

      "You need a ride home?" Peter asked.

      "Yeah, in a little while," I said.  "As soon as you guys are done talking."

      Peter and Frick started talking about the equipment and changing the playlist for the show.  I felt a tickle on my foot again and opened my eyes.  Wolf chuckled.  "What are you doing?" I asked.

      Wolf shrugged.  "Did we thank you for helping Peter get rid of Carla?"

      I sat up. "He broke up with her?"  I looked to Peter.  He stopped talking long enough to nod.  I looked back to Wolf. "Well, it was about time."

      Wolf nodded.  As I yawned, I felt him move.  When I looked at him, I caught him trying to pour beer into my open mouth.  Instantly I knocked his hand away.  The beer went flying.

      "Hey!" Frick scolded.

      Things happened very quickly from that point.  The slow motion version was that I tried to use the arm with which I knocked the beer to push Wolf back, but he grabbed it and shoved it over my head.  I used my other hand to push on his chest, but he wrapped his arm around it and moved over me in a wrestling move.  I tried to bring my leg up to push him with my knee, but at the same moment, he had moved one leg over my thigh and instead my knee made contact with his groin. "Fuck!" he yelled, backing away.  I gasped.

      It was impossible not to laugh.  I know, because I tried not to.  All I could manage was to throw my hand over my mouth and hide my smile.  "Oh, God, Wolf, I'm so sorry.  Oh my God.  Are you okay?"

      With both hands over himself, he knelt on the couch.  His red face lifted and I saw him try to speak through gritted teeth, but only a tiny squeak escaped. I moved off the couch  and came at him from the side.  "I'm so sorry," I said again.

      "Fuck," he breathed again as he fell forward onto the couch.  He huffed a few breaths and I realized that Peter and Frick were in hysterics.  "It's not funny," Wolf managed eventually. 

      I had managed to contain myself finally, but Peter could barely be understood through his laughter.  "Hell, yeah it is!"

      He turned his head and I saw that the red was finally dissipating.  "This is the worst week of my life," he mumbled.  He met my gaze.  "I'll get you for this," he said.  "God dammit, Charlie.  You just don't kick a man there!"

      "It was an accident.  I swear," I said, putting my hands up defensively.

      "Fucker," he breathed, then buried his face back in the couch.

      "I could get you some ice," I offered.

      He shook his head.  At first I found it funny, but I began to feel very guilty.  "I'm sorry," I mumbled.

      Peter and Frick had calmed down.  Peter watched as Wolf rolled onto his back and took a few deep breaths.  "Why don't I take you home now?" Peter offered.

      "Yeah, get the fuck out of here," Wolf snapped.

      I nodded.  Peter and I stood.  I looked down at Wolf.  "I really didn't mean to hurt you," I said.

      "Good news is he probably won't be able to get any girls pregnant," Frick offered.

      "Fuck you," Wolf said to Frick as Peter ushered me down the ladder.

      In Peter's car, we drove in silence until he pulled up in front of my building.  "I feel terrible," I said.

      "Wolf will be fine.  Just been a shitty week for him."

      "Exactly and it's not like I helped it any."

      "The pain will subside and he'll forgive you," Peter said.

      I frowned.  "Well, maybe I'll stay away for a few days just in case."

      "You don't have to," Peter said.

      "It's okay.  I've been meaning to work on some things anyway."

      Peter offered me a comforting smile.  I got out of the car and walked up to my apartment.

§§§§§




      I felt amazingly productive in the following weeks.  I had spent much of my life writing different sorts of things, mostly short stories, but sometime in college I had become determined to make the notebooks I carried into a novel of some sort.  Despite my intense desire I had many professors who were not as enthusiastic as I.  Most of the time I thought I was lucky to have graduated at all.  I slid through by the skin of my teeth when it came to literature and creative writing.  Still, I could not quiet the voices in my head as they urged me on.

      Over the previous year I had written very little other than notes.  I took the most promising in my mind and laid them out before the computer in my quiet, dark apartment.  I hardly knew where to begin.  After a few days of struggle, I finally managed a sentence, then a paragraph, then pages.  By the time I began to really miss the band and their antics, I had chapters.

      As had always been the case, I feared nothing more than sharing my work.  Of course, in my mind it was completely brilliant so as long as it stayed intimate between myself and my computer screen, it could remain brilliant.  I never thought of who I wrote for other than myself. I knew that as the words flowed, my self-esteem increased.

      On my way home from work I had seen a copy of the weekly paper and the thought crossed my mind to pick it up.  I carried it to the train station and waited until I sat in the commuter before I opened it.  Near the back, the venues were listed and I checked Skellington's, reminiscing about Dust Jacket.  Surprised to find other bands listed, I turned the page.  A quarter page advertisements enlarged four men in black and white.  Along the top, it said Dust Jacket as I expected.  Below, the word ‘new' in large, bold letters attracted my attention. After it in a plain type, a club called Inferno touted their superior bands featuring Dust Jacket every Saturday.  I smiled.  It was the largest ad they'd ever had.

      I thought fleetingly about making an appearance to see their new setting and imagined a brief ‘hello'.  My stop came up quickly so I tucked the paper under my arm.  When I got to my apartment I looked into the nearly empty refrigerator and sighed.  Deciding to pass it up for the time being, I moved over and sat on the couch.  I hadn't turned on a light so as the sun set, I found myself in a very dim, moonlit room.

      I did not know how tired I was until the phone rang and woke me from a shallow sleep.  Having left it on the coffee table, I had only to reach out in order to answer.

      "Hello?"

      "Hey, Charlie?"  I knew Wolf's voice immediately.

           "Hi."  I closed my eyes.  I knew then I should have planned how I would handle it if any of the band members called.

      "How's it going?"

      "Fine.  How's it going with you?"

      "Pretty good."  He waited for what felt an eternity before getting to his point.  "The guys wanted me to call."

      "I see."

      "I'm sorry I yelled at you, I guess.  I didn't think it would make you ditch us."

      "It's not that.  I felt like I was hovering.  I mean, I was always hanging out with you guys and the fact is, I have sort of refocused.  My goal when I graduated wasn't to hang out at clubs and follow around a bunch of band members."

      "Is there something wrong with that?" Wolf asked, a hint of humour in his tone.

      "No, of course not."  I had nothing else to add and when I heard only dead air on the phone, I changed the subject.  "I saw the paper today.  You're headlining at a new place? Inferno?"

      "Oh, yeah.  It's a great space. I know it's new, but we packed the place last week."

      "Really?  Sounds like things are great for you guys."

      "It's fantastic.  You'll come see us there then, right?"

      "Sure."

      Wolf cleared his throat.  "And you'll come party with us afterwards?"

      I thought about it for a moment.  "Yeah," I said, leaving out the thought in my mind that I wouldn't get sucked in again.  I felt proud of the things I had accomplished and feared losing momentum.

      "Deal," he said.  "See you there."

      He hung up so I did the same.  I thought I would just lay there a moment longer, but when I woke, the sun had just begun to rise.

      Saturday, I got to Inferno following the address in the paper and found myself waiting in a long line.  When I finally got inside the show had started.  First I decided to stop for a drink.  I assessed the bar to be black painted plywood.  Everything looked really cheap with thick coats of black paint.  The only colour in the place was the dark red lights behind the bar.

      The only way to get a bartender's attention was to shove between people and hope.  Arms reached out, grabbing at them from all around me. From the back, a woman with long blonde hair came out carrying two bottles of alcohol.  As she passed, I grabbed her arm.  She stopped, met my gaze, and grinned.  "What can I get you?"

      "Just a beer.  Something local." 

      She spun and when she returned, she held up a bottle.  "This okay?"

      I nodded and put my money on the bar, walking away before I got change.  I took my time drinking as I watched the crowd on the dance floor growing.  When I finished, I found a table full of empty glasses and added mine.  I had to push my way between people to get to the stage.  When Frick saw me, he smiled and winked without missing a beat.  Peter dropped a note to wave quickly.  People went crazy all around me. 

      Things began to get a little wild near the stage.  A brunette blew Wolf a kiss between songs.  Just as a new song began, I felt someone bump into me twice.  I turned and when I recognized the familiar face, I grinned.  "Shawnee!"

      The woman with short auburn hair raised her arms into the air and began bumping my hip.  I laughed and did it back before she threw an arm around me.  "How're things at the new job?" she yelled.  I could barely hear her.

      "Good!"

      "You heard these guys before?" she asked.

      "Yeah.  I actually met them right after I left Titus."

      "Me too!" she hollered.

      I frowned.  "You quit Titus?"

      "Yeah!  About time, isn't it?"

      Throwing her other arm around me, she pulled me into a hug and bounced side to side to the beat.  I put my hands around her waist.  It felt like old times, familiar and comforting.  She put her head against my shoulder and her hips against mine.  I knew the dangers of letting her flirt with me.  Still, I didn't stop her when she bent her knees and hooked one leg between mine while swaying.

      "You look great," she said loudly into my ear.

      "You too," I said.

      She pulled back, her hands on my shoulder as she looked me in the eye and smiled.  "That drummer keeps trying to pick me up," she said, looking at Wolf from the corner of her eye.  "Kiss me!  It'll make him crazy!" She kissed my lips and I kissed back, but when she let go, I couldn't resist looking at the band members.  None of them seemed to have noticed, but it appeared Shawnee had what she needed. Just as suddenly as she had joined me, she turned and left.

      I stayed on the dance floor, occasionally returning to the bar until the show began to wind down.

      Dust Jacket ended with a version of Lunatics that sounded as though it had been beat up.  Twisted and hard, they played it with a darkness that incited the crowd into a full out mosh.  When it ended, I screamed a cheer.  Frick handed his guitar to Peter and stepped to the edge of the stage, reaching out to grab my hand.  I saw him yell, but I couldn't hear a thing.  Following his lead, he walked along the edge of the stage to a set of stairs, then walked me up it.

      "Amazing!" I yelled.

      He grinned, then leaned into my ear.  "Give us a hand, will you?"

      I nodded and he led me to the center of the stage where he handed me one of his guitars and a stool.  I followed them through the back, then up a set of wide stairs that took us to an upper level.  Once there, they opened a door with their key and went inside.

      "I'm glad you came," Frick said.

      "What is this place?" I asked, looking around the room.

      "It's the best part of the gig.  They have a couple rooms up here where they let the bands lock up their stuff during a show."

      "So you can go clubbing and not worry about shit getting stolen," I observed.

      "Exactly."

      I let out a breath. "The songs were amazing tonight.  They love you," I declared, giving Frick his guitar when he held out a hand for it.

      "Yeah, they really go ape shit for Lunatics, don't they?" Frick observed.

      "I can't believe what you did to it.  It is some serious music now."

      Peter stood beside me.  "Had to have some good lyrics to start with, though."

      I shook my head.  "You have a lot of great songs."

      Sir Gay tapped my arm.  "I heard what you did to Wolf.  Way to go."

      "Hey!" Wolf snapped to attention.  "We're not talking about that, okay?"

      I looked at him.  "Nose looks good.  When did you get the bandage off?"

      "Last week," he responded, touching it. He began to help pack away some of the equipment. 

      I helped Peter collect the guitars and put them near the door.  Wolf finished what he was doing and picked up a few things.  "I'm going to take these out," he said to Frick.

      Holding up a hand, Frick reached into his pocket with his other and pulled out his wallet.  Handing Wolf some money, he said, "Why don't you buy some beer and head over?  We'll handle the rest of it."

      Wolf took the money and left.  Frick packed up some more gear while I helped Peter.  Peter leaned close and spoke in a hushed tone.  "I saw you dancing with that girl."

      Sir Gay stopped nearby and looked up.  "You were dancing with a girl?  Who was it?"

      "Shawnee," Peter replied before I had a chance to answer.

      "You know her?" I asked.

           "Wolf has been trying to pick her up for the last couple weeks," Peter said with a wave of his hand.  "The question is, how do you know her?"

      "She's, you know, into girls," Sir Gay jumped in.

      Frick crossed the room near us.  "What are we talking about?"

      "Shawnee and Charlie," Sir Gay said.

      When Frick looked at me, I straightened.  "Yes, I know she's a lesbian." I cleared my throat.  "We worked together at Titus." The next part I lowered my voice because I had never made any indication to them and I wasn't sure how they would react.  "We dated for a little while."

      No one said anything for several seconds.  I wondered if I needed to say something else.  Just then, Frick lowered his chin secretively.  "You're gay?" His voice had an odd humbleness.  The most common reaction from men was saying that it would be hot. I was surprised that out of three, none of them managed to say it.

      "It's not exactly about the genitalia." I shifted uncomfortably.

      "What does that mean, exactly?" Peter dared ask.

      "I'm bi," I responded.  "Let's get back to getting cleaned up so we can get out of here."

      "You drop a bomb like that and we're supposed to go on like nothing?" Sir Gay put a hand on his hip.

      "It's not exactly a bomb.  I just didn't think it was any of your business."

      Frick looked at Peter and Sir Gay before he shrugged, then turned and started wrapping a cord around his hand.  "She's right.  None of our business," he said.

      Sir Gay pondered for a moment before carrying his guitar and adding it to the things by the door.  "Yeah, sure.  Just new information."

      Peter moved an amp.  I saw there were beer bottles, cellophane wrap, and other miscellaneous things around the place so I started to collect them in a plastic grocery bag I found. Once I'd cleaned up most of it, I told them I'd meet them near the van.

      At the bottom of the steps, I found a huge bin where I dumped the grocery bag.  As I crossed the bar, people danced to the pre-recorded music.  Pushing my way through, someone grabbed me.  I turned to see Shawnee.  "Didn't mean to ditch you," she said.

      "It's okay.  I had things to do."

      She smiled. "It's so good to see you again."

      I nodded.  "I'm on my way out so maybe I'll see you soon."

      She reached out to a chair nearby to grab a jacket and a small purse.  "I'll walk you out," she said as she pushed her arms into the sleeves.

      We stepped outside and started toward the parking lot.  I looked around for the van as we spoke. "Did you tell Wolf that you're a lesbian?" I asked.

      She nodded.  "He thinks he can turn me, I guess," she said with a chuckle.

      I smirked.  "Wolf gets these ideas in his head."

      "I noticed.  Have they bothered you about it?"

      "No," I said quickly.  I couldn't see the van so I figured they had parked in the back.  We walked behind a closed restaurant to the parking lot behind the club.

      Shawnee looked at me a moment as we walked.  "No?"  She paused. "Oh, did I out you?"

      Shrugging, I looked down as I walked.

      "I'm sorry," she said, then cocked her head.  "But you left Titus a long time ago.  In all this time, it never came up?"

      "Not really.  I mean, we're just friends."

      "I don't know why I thought you'd be more open about it now than a year ago."  She dug her hands into the pockets of her jacket.

      "Don't do that," I said, stopping.

      She turned, folding her arms.  "Do what?"

      "The little jabs at me.  We're not dating anymore so you can't be pissed off."

      "I'm not pissed.  I just don't think you realize your self-worth."  She gave me a stern look.  "You're not less because of who you are."

      I looked back toward the doors.  "I never thought I was.  You were the one who seemed to think I must not like myself because I don't announce the names and genders of my sexual partners right after I say ‘Hello, my name is Charlie.'"  I met her gaze.  "Whether or not I've even had sex isn't my identity.  Just because it is yours and we dated once upon a time doesn't make it my obligation."

      She pointed a finger at me.  "Your sexual identity is a part of you, though.  Do you really think you can hide that and not feel like you're hiding a part of yourself?"

      "I'm not hiding.  I just don't offer it up front."

      "We have to maintain a united front." Shawnee became aggressive and I put a hand on my hip.

      "It's not my job to create uniformity with the things you believe.  That's always been the problem.  You want to close everyone in the same box you're in, but don't you see it?  It's just another box like the one they tried to put you in when your parents sent you to a therapist to correct your homosexual desires!"

      "Ahem!"  We both turned, startled.  Frick had come around the corner between the restaurant and the club.  "Sorry to interrupt, but if you want a ride, we're leaving now."

      I glanced at Shawnee.  She looked down at the ground so I relaxed and headed toward Frick without a word.  As I met up with him and we turned the corner into the parking lot, he looked at me with an expression I didn't recognize.  "Everything okay?" he asked.

      I nodded.  "Yeah."  We walked quickly toward the van. "She just has a way of getting me all riled up," I added as he slid the side door open.

      We met Wolf at the studio and everyone immediately opened drinks as they flopped around the space.  Peter let out a loud breath.  "God, they were nuts tonight," he said.

      The others agreed.

      A cell phone rang and Wolf shifted to answer it.  "Hey," he said. We all pretended not to be interested, though conversation stopped while Wolf spoke into his phone. "No shit," he said, then frowned.  "All right.  I understand," he said.

      As he hung up, Frick leaned forward.  "What's up?"

      "She bailed on me."

      "Boyfriend?"

      "No," he snarled.  "I do think to ask these days, you know."

      Peter chuckled.  "She's already carrying some other drummer's baby?"

      "Fuck you," Wolf said, standing.

      "Where you going?" I asked.

      He glanced at me. "I need some fresh air." He started down the ladder. 

      I heard him go.  I could tell that things were tense so I excused myself and hurried out. I followed him to the gathering area and watched him struggle with the window.  Rust and layers of paint made the work stiff for him as a cigarette dangled between his lips.  Finally it jerked open a few inches and he leaned against the window frame as he lit his cigarette.

      The bottom of the window came up to my mid-thigh and extended nearly to the ceiling.  Each frame was large filled with smaller panels.  I lifted my leg and sat up in the wide ledge, leaning my back against the side.  I stretched my legs and crossed my ankles as he stared out the window into the darkness.  The crescent moon had already disappeared for the evening and the cloudless skies offered little light through the window.  He put the lighter away while a red light brightened near his lips.

      I didn't say anything until he had blown smoke out the window.  "Are we okay?" I asked.

      He glanced at me.  "Oh yeah." He waved a dismissive hand. "Yeah, I'm sorry I got mad."

      I cocked my head, watching him stare pensively into the night.  Looking down, I observed courtyard far below.  "So what is it?"

      He sighed.  "I got fired."

      "Fired?  Why?"

      He shrugged.  "I show up late sometimes, screw around a little."  Staring at his cigarette thoughtfully, he smirked.  "Truth is, they've been acting strange since the robbery."

      "They don't think you had anything to do with it, do they?"

      He turned to face me slowly.  "Yeah, I think they do."

      "What about security tapes?  All those gas stations have them, don't they?"

      "Ours was conveniently broken at the time." He looked off into the distance.  "I don't have much room to complain.  I mean, they found real reasons to fire me. It's just that I've been showing up late and screwing around for four years.  I didn't realize it would bite me in the ass when they needed a scapegoat."

      "Damn, I'm sorry."

      "It's all bullshit anyway."

      "The job?"

      "The job, life, people."  He scoffed.  "It's all falling apart.  Makes no difference what we do now."  He puffed his cigarette and put it out.  "I'm ready to go back.  You?"

      I cocked my head.  "You don't want to talk about this bullshit theory?"

      He smiled.  "Not really," he said, pushing himself from the window frame.

      As we walked down the hall together, Sir Gay passed us.  "Leaving already?" Wolf asked.

      Sir Gay nodded.  "Marie called.  She asked me to come by." 

      He kept walking as Wolf turned around.  "Say hi for me!" he said, then chuckled.

      "Yeah, sure," Sir Gay mumbled.

      Wolf glanced at me.  "You know, I hardly know what to do with myself after a gig."

      "If you don't have a groupie to fuck, you mean?"

      He laughed.  "Yeah, exactly," he said.

      "Well, the rest of us usually get drunk.  I suppose you can handle that, can't you?"

      Standing before the door, he unlocked it.  He shrugged as he kicked it open.  "I suppose it will do," he remarked.

      After Peter passed out on the couch, Wolf offered to let Frick go home while he drove myself and Peter to our apartments.  When he pulled up in front of my place, he glanced over his shoulder into the back seat.  Peter had fallen back asleep as soon as we had him in the car.  I looked over my shoulder, then met Wolf's gaze and chuckled.

      "Rehearsal tomorrow," he said simply. "Around one."

      I nodded. "Maybe I'll come."  Shrugging, I opened the car door.  "It depends."

§§§§§




      I slept very well that night.  When I rolled out of bed, it was nearly noon. I warmed up a cup of coffee from the pot I had made the previous day and sat with it beside the computer.  When I opened the document I had been working on, I found myself staring at it, sipping, playing a game of solitaire, and sipping some more.  No thoughts would congeal in my brain.  Nothing seemed to work.  With a sigh, I looked at the clock and pondered the invitation.  If I went, things would just end up the way they had been.  Of course, knowing that didn't stop me from wanting to go.  I finished my coffee and wrote a word, then deleted it.  After another game of solitaire I gave up and got into the shower.

      I got off the train and started across the park.  As I turned toward the entrance, I found Wolf standing there, sunglasses hiding his eyes, a commuter mug of coffee in one hand as he fumbled with his keys in the other.  I neared him and he didn't seem to notice.  "Hey," I said.

      He jumped, dropping the keys. I took a quick step, picked them up, and handed them to him with the one for the door sticking out.  "Hey," he said, subdued as he pushed the key into the lock.

      "Hung-over?" I asked, surprised because I had noticed he didn't drink much the night before.

      "Tired.  Couldn't sleep," he said, half smiling. He pushed the door open, then stepped aside.

      I led the way up to the studio and waited for him to open the door.  He grabbed a mike stand and propped open the door.  "Others will be here soon," he mumbled.

      "Am I early?"

      "No, we're late, actually, but they guys called and said they'd be much later.  I thought I'd come in and get some lyrics worked out on a new song while I had peace and quiet."

      "I can come back later."

      "No," he said, his lips taught. "Just make yourself comfortable."

      I climbed the ladder and relaxed on the couch. Opening the bottled water I had grabbed on my way out of my apartment, I took a drink and listened.  Wolf sat below, occasionally picking at a guitar.  Just as I began to wonder how long the others would be, I heard him start up the ladder.  I watched him step onto the landing and sit on the couch beside me, a spiral bound notebook in hand.  "Mind if I ask you what you think?"

      "You want my opinion?"

      He shrugged.  "Well, you're here."

      "My presence makes me an expert, does it?" I asked as I took the offered notebook and put my water on the floor.

      With a chuckle, he leaned his head back on the couch.  "It's not a music question.  It's more of a poetry question."

      I read it and handed it back.  He took it with raised eyebrows.  "It's fine," I said.

      "Fine?"

      "No, good.  It's good."

      He sighed.  "Be honest, Charlie.  What do you really think?"

      "It might be a nice song.  I mean, without a tune it's hard to say."

      "I'm not asking you how it relates to music.  Be really honest.  I want to know what you think of the words."

      I didn't want to say what I really thought, so I shrugged.  When I looked into his eyes, I saw him begging so I let out a breath.  "It's cliché.  Not very interesting."

      "Yeah, but doesn't cliché make it relatable to a lot of people?"

      "I don't know.  I just know that it doesn't have anything special to distinguish it from any other love song.  I think most of what the band has is something unique."  I waved to the notebook. "That's not very unique."

      He frowned.

      "Just remember, I don't know anything," I said quickly.

      He scoffed and tossed the notebook to the ground.  "No, you're right.  I knew that before I asked."  He paused, looking at it.  "It's not very good.  I don't know what it is.  I just can't find new words.  I just can't explain." We sat quietly a moment, then he took in a deep breath.  "Well, they should have been here by now," he commented.

      "I wondered," I said. I leaned my head back.  "If they don't get here soon, I might as well go home and get something done."

      I heard him sigh.  We sat there a moment and I thought about Shawnee.  Curious, I turned to him.  "Hey, you know Shawnee?"

      He sat up, his brow furrowed as he looked at me.  "Do you?"

      "We used to work together at Titus."

      "Ah."

      "The guys said you keep trying to hit on her."

      He laughed.  "Not really."

      "They seem to think so." I sat up straight.

      "She's into girls," he said.

      "Yeah, but you still hit on her."

      "It pisses her off," he said.  "The guys get all upset with me."

      "It's a game, huh?"

      He looked around, then tapped my arm.  "Hey.  What do you say we play a trick on them for being so late?"

      I tapped him back.  "Hey, what do you say we don't?"

      "Why not?"

      "What did you have in mind?"

      He looked thoughtful.  A moment later, he grabbed my water.  "We could stand at the door and splash them as they come in."

      "No," I said as I grabbed for my water.  The soft bottle squeezed between our fingers and a fountain of water flew out.  Most of it landed on Wolf.

      His jaw dropped and he yanked the bottle from me.  "Now I'm going to get you," he said, flipping the bottle and squeezing so that it sprayed me.  I reached for the bottle and he jerked back again, defending himself with his free hand.  "I still owe you for last time," he said as he dropped the water and grabbed both my arms to keep me from reaching for the bottle anymore.  We both started laughing hard. I twisted away from him and fell off the couch, but he held on and fell beside me, my arms pinned above me.  An instant later I realized I was the only one laughing.  Containing myself, I took in a breath and opened my eyes.  Wolf stared at me seriously, then all at once he kissed me.

      At first I didn't know how to react, but as he pressed his lips against mine, I closed my eyes and kissed him back.  He let go of my hands and I felt his hand rest on my abdomen as his tongue caressed my lower lip. It had happened so quickly that as my mind adjusted, I remembered his lips had been the lips of a friend.  Our relationship was distant; platonic.

      Just as I thought of pushing him away, it stopped.  I opened my eyes slowly to find him three feet away, as far back on the couch as he could get.  He had one hand over his mouth and looked at me as though he'd been poisoned.  I couldn't think of anything to say and I felt certain he could not either because after meeting my stunned gaze for several seconds, he turned and looked at the bottle.  He moved to grab it and looked at the soaking carpet.  Without a word, he went down the ladder.  "Well, it didn't drip," he said.  I moved to the edge and saw him examining the amp below us.  He stood there a moment, then looked up at me.  "You know, I think I'm going to run out and grab a bite to eat.  You want to wait here?"

      I started down the ladder.  "I think I'd better go.  I had a lot to get done today," I explained.

      "Good.  I mean, we'll see you," he said.

      When I got home, I couldn't think about much.  In fact, I could only think about one thing.  The kiss had felt really good, but my mind asked why everyone was so late and why he wanted me to read lyrics to a poorly written love song.  Was it coincidence or a setup?  Had the situation tricked us or had I been tricked into the situation?

§§§§§




      I spent the week examining the questions that I had, unwilling to admit that I wanted to just call Wolf and ask him what had happened.  Even though I liked what had happened, I felt the best course of action would be avoidance.  I could justify it with the fact that I didn't want to run into Shawnee again, but I knew I could handle her.  The day after I missed an actual show, I got a phone call from Peter.

      "We missed you," he said almost instantly.

      "I've been really busy, Peter."

      He sighed.  "I thought things were cool with us again."

      "They are, Peter.  I just don't know if I want to go back there.  Things are weird with my ex and…"

      "You know that we don't care about that, right?  Come on.  We didn't even make jokes about it that night."

      I sat down on the couch.  "It's not that.  I mean she and I don't mix very well.  She'll come talk to me with the express purpose of getting me riled up."

      "Well, there's a showcase going this week.  Skellington's is featuring all the local bands all week.  We're playing Wednesday night and Saturday afternoon.  Come see us there and you won't have to worry about running into her."

      Forced into another excuse, I had to think quickly. "You know, after a day at work…"

      "The perfect thing is to unwind." Peter seemed persistent.

      "But I want to write and I've been spending far too much time…"

      "Not enough time.  Just come and hang out for a bit."

      "Are you sure all the guys want to see me?" I asked, rubbing my forehead.

      "Yeah.  We talked about it."

      "Including Wolf or was he off with some groupie?"

      Peter hesitated.  "He didn't hook up last night. He didn't object when I said I would call you."  He paused.  "Is something going on there?"

      I leaned back, thinking of another cover-up.  "Well, he just seemed upset the other day when I came to see you guys rehearse."

      "Oh, he was just pissed off because we didn't show up when we said we would."

      "Yeah, what happened to you guys?" I fished.

      "Marie and Sir Gay had a fight so Frick and I took him to grab a bite.  We brought back extra food, but Wolf said you had come and gone."

      "I had things to do."

      "Sorry about that. He said it was better since he was working on a new song anyway."

      I let out a breath.  "So Wednesday or Saturday at Skellington's.  Maybe I'll stop in for a few minutes."

      "You know, if there is something wrong, you can tell us."

      "I know.  I've just been feeling overwhelmed lately.  That's all."

      "All right.  We'll talk soon."

      I hung up the phone and sprawled on the couch.  I had some answers, but not enough.  I fell asleep before deciding whether or not I needed them.

§§§§§




      I went to the show on Wednesday.  The band performed 3 songs and the audience seemed to love it.  I helped as they stayed to sell CDs while the next bands were on, but I didn't go back with them to the studio.  On Saturday afternoon, I attended their performance again.  Saturday brought a larger crowd, but still nothing compared to an average weekend evening.  By Saturday night it had become painfully clear that Wolf was avoiding me.  Every time we found ourselves beside each other, he would need a smoke or a drink.  Avoidance seemed simple enough so I went to the gig on Saturday night at Inferno.

      Wolf kept up his game and when Peter sent me into the back to get him some water, I ran right into Wolf.  He glanced at me, then remembered something he had left in his car.  I got the water for Peter and a drink for myself.  I spotted Shawnee once, but managed to keep clear of  her.  Avoiding those who had brought intense reaction around me became effortless.

      I skipped rehearsals for the next week and wrote.  Mostly, though, I spent time thinking about the ridiculous, childish game that was going on.  With renewed determination, I went to the show the next Saturday and while I allowed Wolf to continue dodging our contact, I made no attempt to make it easier on him.

      After the show, the guys went to load equipment while I offered to wind up the cords to various things and bring them out later.  While I wound the cord for the amp around my hand and elbow, the door opened.  Wolf stepped in, then froze.  He stared at me a moment.

      "You don't actually have to avoid me, you know," I said.

      He blinked.  "I'm not avoiding you.  I was just looking for Peter's blue guitar.  Doesn't look like it's here."

      He turned, but I spoke anyway.  "I have no problem pretending that nothing happened."

      He stopped, turned back, and closed the door.  "Nothing did happen," he said, pointing a finger at me.

      "Okay."

      "I'm not avoiding you."

      "If you say so.  It's just that you're acting strangely and if we don't act like things are exactly the same, the guys are going to think that something happened."  I paused.  "Even though nothing happened, you see?"

      He lowered his head.

      "Tell me I'm not right."

      He smirked.  "You're impossible."

      "What does that mean?"  I put the cord down and picked up another.

      "You make it tough to disagree."

      "Well, fine, then.  Let's act like normal, okay?" I wound the cord and set it on top of the amp cord.  "I think they got all the stuff except these cords.  I said I'd take care of them and then clean up, so if you're going to stick around here, maybe you can grab a garbage can."

      He still stood there watching me.  I stopped what I was doing and put my hands on my hips. "What's wrong?"

      "I'm sorry."

      "For what?"

      Wolf shifted.  "I'm sorry for that thing that didn't happen.  I didn't mean to, you know, fuck anything up.  Friendship or whatever."

      I cocked my head.  "I didn't say that I was upset that it happened."  The look on his face changed so I continued.  "I'm just saying that I'm willing to go along with whatever you want to say on the subject."

      He looked at the door, then at me with an oddly wild glimmer in his eye. Before I could react, he had started to move.  He took long strides toward me and grabbed me aggressively.  I pushed with both hands on his chest until he kissed me.  Again.  This time it confused me even more.  He wrapped his arms around me and walked me backwards until we hit a wall, his tongue in my mouth and my mouth, perhaps slightly to my own surprise, accepting it.

      My brain seemed to be functioning, resisting the idea of what could happen.  Part of me knew as sure as I knew anything that it was a mistake.  I couldn't say why it was a mistake, it just seemed like it ought to be.  I didn't know how he felt.  I sure as hell didn't know how I felt. While a part of my mind wanted to push him away, the actual motions I made were acceptance.

      I sensed the certain something in him that wanted to kiss me; I just wanted to kiss him too.  I stopped thinking about what had happened or what might happen, only about what each instant brought. A hand crept around my side and up to my breast.  Through my shirt I could feel the massage, the examination as though testing the softness and size.  He moved his hand all over it, then his hips began to move.  He ground them into mine, biting my lip at the same time. His other hand finally moved from its place, up my front until he hooked my chin with the crook of his thumb. 

           Wolf tugged my head to the side, his tongue tracing a line across my cheek to the ear where he started to nip my skin.  When I felt his erection pressing through his jeans and into my hip, all logic seemed to disappear. Vaguely aware of the moan I released, I closed my mouth and ran my hands down from his chest and onto his abdomen.  I left one hand there and ran the other around to his back.

      Without notice, Wolf's hand tugged at my blouse and slid up under it, his rough fingers now exploring the skin underneath.  I brought my hand down and under his tee, then put my hand back on his spine, touching it lightly all over.

      Shoving my head back, he pushed his hips into me harder and began to bite at my neck, then over to the opposite collarbone.  He pulled the neck hole of my shirt to one side, revealing the small tribal tattoo between my neck and shoulder for the first time.  I could see him examine it a moment before he pressed his tongue to it.  While he kissed his way back to my lips, he let go of my jaw and licked my lower lip.  When he slid his tongue back into my mouth, I felt both of his hands meet at the button on my jeans.  At that moment, I thought of the possibility we could get caught. I tried to pull away from his kiss to remind him of the fact, but he followed my lips wherever they went.  He had the fly open and his thumbs hooked into the waistband in seconds.  Part of me wanted to push at him, but that part couldn't convince the rest of my body to act.  He had shoved my pants toward the ground and started kissing my neck again.  He took my hands and moved them to his shoulders where I left them.  I felt him undo his own pants as I leaned my head back and enjoyed the sensation of his tongue behind my ear.  He stopped kissing long enough for me to hear him tear into a condom wrapper and seconds later, he grabbed my thigh, pulling it up around him.

      Wolf looked me in the eye as I wrapped my other leg around him.  He shifted while using one hand to support me and the other to position his cock.  When he slid into me, I felt a surge of blood rush from my brain.  Once inside, he supported my other leg and began to thrust me against the wall.  My heart pounded harder in my chest.  His hand slid back to my ass, rubbing it.  His lips and tongue worked on my neck and chin, suckling and licking.  I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer to me, rigidly making him a part of my body. His breath grew heavier while he pounded into me.  My skin grew hot and I heard myself moaning.  I also heard his breathing and the soft bumping of our bodies against the wall.  He stopped kissing, tucking his head against my chest.  I felt him inside me, his flesh against mine.  Soon I had to concentrate on breathing.  My mouth got dry so I licked my lips.  Through it all, I felt him thrusting until my head began to spin.  I closed my eyes and he shoved harder.  I gasped and he began to speed up.  When I let out a loud groan, I felt all of my skin pulsating.  An instant later, the beating of my veins centered to orgasm.  I'm sure I huffed and groaned more, but I became deaf to everything.  I savoured the sensation of it.  Wolf continued to pump into me for several more seconds before he repositioned his hands and moved us away from the wall.  Even as he fell to his knees, lay me back, and began to kiss me, our bodies moved together.  Aware that my heart had begun to race and my breathing had increased, I watched him as he lay over me, his hips pressing into mine.

      He licked his lips and closed his eyes, and then I felt it.  He groaned distinctively, growling a little as he came.  His pumping slowed, then stopped before he opened his eyes. Leaning in, he kissed me hard, then slid out and backed off.  I felt dizzy, but I had to begin moving.

      I was so busy sliding back into my pants, I only distractedly observed him pulling on his jeans and avoiding eye contact with me. He stumbled at one point, catching himself on the wall to regain his balance before putting his foot through the other leg of his pants. He took the condom and turned away so I didn't see what he had done with it as he left the room quickly. I tried to make sense of everything in hopes that it would lead to a major epiphany.

      Moments later, I heard voices approaching the open door.

      "Do I?" Wolf said, entering.

      Sir Gay stepped in right behind him.  "Yeah, like sweaty or something."

      "Oh, I don't…" Wolf began.

      "Oh we were just helping the bar tenders carry some booze from the back," I said quickly.

      Wolf glanced at me, then smiled at Peter.  "Yeah, I tried to show off and carry two at once."

      Peter patted Wolf's back.  "Well, we're loaded up."

      "Took you a while," I observed, picking up the cords I had wrapped and handing them to Wolf.

      Peter smirked.  "Yeah, there were some people outside who saw the show.  Wanted some CDs.  We got talking."

      "Oh," I managed, wiping my lip and brushing the hair back from my face.

      "Let's go then," Wolf remarked, holding the door open as Peter walked out.  As soon as Peter went through the door, Wolf closed it most of the way and turned to me.  He had an odd expression.

      "I know.  That didn't happen either."

      He looked down, then back at me.  "Actually, it did, but I don't want to talk about it in front of the guys yet, okay?"

      I was too stunned to respond as he opened the door again and walked out.  It took me a moment to gather my thoughts and follow Wolf out.

§§§§§




      I do this thing – this stupid thing – and I have not yet figured out how to stop it.  I think I'm having sex with someone I care about but don't love and I think I can handle it.  Then the next day, I turn into a lovesick 12 year old.  I sit there wishing that person would call me.  I dream of having sex with them again.  I can't stop thinking about the way they touched me, how their skin felt, what I saw in their eyes.  I become so preoccupied by their scent and my desire that I feel lucky when I don't start drooling and find myself unable to walk.  I do, however, tend to bump into thing a lot more on days like that.

      After all the times it has happened, I have never been able to prevent it.  I don't know.  Maybe it is completely normal; one of those things no one talks about.  Maybe I am just a silly little girl inside.  The point is, every time it happens, I feel crazy. Every time it happens, I find myself either sitting at home alone, going out shopping for things I don't need, or otherwise distracting myself.  The similarity is that I'm always alone and disappointed.

      The good news is, it only lasts about a day.  Two or three days with people who meant more to me to begin with, but usually just a sort of day-after glow.  By Monday, Wolf was a lingering thought.  By the time he called me, I had just about blocked out everything other than the solid facts. In fact, I had begun to be incensed by the way he treated me.  I didn't necessarily want it to mean anything, but I didn't like the feeling of being jerked around.

      It was Thursday night and I had just walked in the door, almost as though he had been watching and knew the right moment to call.

      Even though I saw his name on the caller ID, I acted a little surprised to hear his voice.  "Oh, hi," I said casually after he said hello.

      "The guys wanted to invite you to a party."

      "A party?" I sat down, leaning back.

      "Yeah, a big bash with some of our other friends.  It's tomorrow night. Peter said he'd pick you up if you want a ride."

      I waited, but he didn't say anything more.  "Okay." I concentrated on the silence, hoping to find something there.  "Is that all?"

      "Yeah, I guess so."

      I hesitated before I asked, "Why are you the one calling me?"

      "Is that a problem?"

      "No, it's just that if Peter is giving me a ride, why didn't he call me so that we could discuss the details?"

      "I volunteered."

      "I see."  Again I heard silence.  I sat up, leaning forward.  "Do you want me to be there?"

      "Sure.  It'll be a blast."

      "Maybe we can even talk," I said, expecting a reaction.

      "So you're coming?"

      I decided I wouldn't get much from him over the phone. "Yes."

      "I'll tell Peter to pick you up."  Wolf hung up and it took me a moment to put down the phone.

      Friday, Peter arrived at my door and walked me down to his car.  As we started our journey, I began conversation.  "So, whose party is this?"

      Peter grinned.  "Oh, his name is Pike.  We went to high school with the guy."

      "Is it his birthday or something?"

      "He just got his own place. First time living alone. I guess he needs us to help make it look trashy."  He chuckled.

      I smiled.  "How was your week?"

      Shrugging, he then turned a sharp corner.  "Not bad."

      "You have rehearsals this week?"

      "Yeah, a couple."

      "How's the rest of the gang?" I fished.

      "Sir Gay and Frick are good.  Wolf's still job hunting.  He's running out of money for rent so we agreed to let him stay in the studio until he gets another job.  I hope it's soon because if he gets caught by our landlord, we're all out."

      "How is that working?"

      Peter shook his head.  "Can't complain.  At some point or another, we've all covered for each other.  When Frick got kicked out of his parents' house, he slept on the couch in Wolf's dorm."

      "That's cool.  I mean, that you guys look out for each other."

      "Well, he's been acting strange.  We had to do something to help him out."  Peter turned into an apartment complex. 

      "Acting strange because of the job or what?" I asked.

      Peter shrugged.  "Don't know.  Just not himself. I guess he's trying to respect the space or something because we thought we'd find him with girls up there all the time now that he's got nothing better to do.  It just seems funny that he's bringing home fewer girls now than before." He parked the car in a corner space.  "Should be a good night.  When we didn't have jobs, these are the people we hung out with.  I think Frick said he'd give you a ride home.  Is that okay?" 

      "Yeah," I said as he pulled into a space.  As we walked up the iron grate steps, Peter took the lead.  When he opened the door, I saw a place filled with people carrying beers, smoke drifting out into the fresh air, and dancing.  The music might have seemed loud if it hadn't been for the chatter going on in and around it.

      As soon as we walked through the door, a man with long brown hair and a noticeable scar on his cheek waved to Peter.  "Beers are in the kitchen, man!" he said, waving toward the kitchen.

      "This is Charlie," Peter said.

      The man smiled.  "Pike," he said simply.  "Grad yourself a beer."

      "Thanks," I said as Peter grabbed my elbow and led me to the kitchen.  As soon as he had his beer, he disappeared into the crowd.  I moved toward a quiet spot near the wall, attempting to get out of the line of traffic.  Almost as soon as I found a spot, I saw Wolf through the doorway into the other room.  He sat back on the couch with a young woman who I didn't believe to be 21 yet.  She had short, curly, purple hair and two piercings in one nostril. She drank from a brown beer bottle, then laughed.

      When I tried to look anywhere except in Wolf's direction, I saw Sir Gay entering the kitchen.  I pushed away from the wall and headed over.  "Sir Gay!" I called.

      His eyes narrowed and he shook his head.  A woman with stringy black hair stepped up beside him.  "This is Marie," he said quickly.  "Marie, this is Charlie," he added with a wave.

      She gave a tight-lipped grin.  "Nice to meet you."

      "Nice to meet you too," I said, taking her in.  She wasn't at all what I had expected.  She was so thin, her skin had taken on an unhealthy pallor. She looked like an old businesswoman with no sense of amusement. "Can I get you guys a beer?" I offered.

      "Oh I don't touch the stuff," she said quickly, taking Sir Gay's arm.  "Come on, Sergei," she pronounced clearly.  He grinned at me as he passed and I heard her continue.  "You said we wouldn't stay long."

      I finished the beer I had, still avoiding Wolf's area, but my mind got the better of me.  I glanced to the couch and saw the young woman, but now the seat beside her was occupied by a handsome, dark skinned man closer to her age.  I lifted my chin and looked slowly around as I walked slowly through the pathway.  My eyes fell on Wolf only an instant before I bumped into him.  "Oh hey," I said.

      He already had a grin on his face.  Grabbing my hand and keeping it low, Wolf led me through the apartment.  His eyes were on lookout as he took me through the living room.  He opened a door and we passed into the bedroom.  He closed it quickly and gave me only an instant to take in the dim surroundings, couples making out, one couple actually having sex on the bed.  We stood beside the door to the closet where he pressed me against the wall in a kiss, his hand cupping my neck below the ear.

      I kissed back for a few moments before I pulled away.  "We need to talk," I murmured.

      "This isn't a room for talking," he whispered quickly, then planted his lips back on mine.

      I tasted the alcohol stronger when he put his tongue against my mouth.  I felt his warm breath as I pulled away again.  "Then let's go somewhere else."

      Wolf put his hand against the wall, leering over me as he put three fingers on my chest.  "This is the problem with women.  Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk," he chirped, running his finger along the neckline of my shirt.

      I swiped his hand away and turned to leave.  He grabbed my arm and pulled me back.  "It's a party.  I just want to leave the whole world behind for a couple hours, okay?"

      "You spend most of your life leaving the whole world behind. I just don't want to be your little plaything because you lack a groupie."

      Irritated, he said, "I don't lack groupies."

      "Peter says you haven't been bringing them to the studio."

      "That's nobody's business."  He looked deep into my eyes.  "Not even yours just because we fucked."

      I shoved him and he grabbed my forearms.  "Don't talk to me like that," I snapped. "Don't treat me like a glorified groupie because I'm not."  I jerked my arms from his grip.

      "Hey!" a voice snapped.  "Shut the fuck up or get out!"

      Wolf looked angry, grabbed my hand, and pulled me out of the room.  He looked around before stopping in the hallway to fold his arms.  "I don't want to analyze this. I don't need the bullshit."

      "Neither do I," I said.  He looked a bit surprised, but I continued. "I'm not asking for an engagement ring.  I'm just confused as hell.  Where did it all come from?"

      He shook his head and shrugged thoughtfully.  "I'm not sure why it happened.  I kissed you and it wasn't so bad.  I didn't think anything would come of it, but then you said you weren't mad about it and I…" he cocked his head. "Is it really so bad to just do it because it feels good?  To just enjoy it and not pick apart the why and how?"

      "So you weren't just looking at me and thinking of me as a new toy?"

      "No."

      "You're sure of that?"

      He rolled his eyes.  "Why do women ask me that?"

      "Probably because you are careful not to learn too much about them so that you don't feel bad when you leave during the night."

      "I'm standing here talking to you, aren't I?"

      "You're trying not to."

      He frowned.  "If I did something for you that I didn't do for anyone else, would that get you to drop this?"

      I raised an eyebrow in interest.  "Probably."

      "Then let's go."

      "You mean leave the party?"

      He nodded.  I agreed and we left together without making excuses to anyone.  When we got to his motorcycle, he handed me his helmet.  I put it on and got on behind him.  He turned so fast onto the highway that I had to grab him around the waist.  When the road evened out, I felt one of his hands on mine for a few moments.  When he pulled up in front of their studio building, I turned to look at him.  "You've brought other girls to the studio before."

      He smirked. "I just have a quick stop here first.  Come with me."

      "All right," I agreed. 

      We walked up to the building together and he opened the door.  He didn't explain the stop the entire way up the stairs and when we entered the loft, I watched him climb the ladder, waiting for him to do whatever it was he needed to do.  A moment later, he leaned over the edge.  "Are you coming up?"

      "I thought I'd wait down here."

      He let out a breath.  "Come up," he said firmly.

      I furrowed my brow and climbed the ladder.  As I came eye level with the platform, I saw that he had made a picnic.  I slowed my climb, taking it all in.  He had spread a blanket on the floor and put out a few containers, a platter, and a bag of chips.  While he took cold beers from the mini-fridge, I sat down and read the labels on the food. The platter had deli sandwiches and I could see pasta salad, fruit cocktail, and a dip for chips through the clear plastic containers.

      I sat cross legged while he handed me a beer, then sat beside me.  "You obviously planned this."

      "I thought about something nicer, but I didn't know how long it would take to get you here.  I didn't want to leave warm food sitting out."

      "Food poisoning might have been a damper."

      He grinned.  "Now, don't get the wrong idea.  This isn't meant to be romance so much as sustenance."  He reached for a mini sandwich and held it out to me.  "This one's turkey.  I haven't really paid attention to what you like."

      I took it and chuckled.  "It'll do fine.  Thanks." I started to eat, drinking beer between bites because it was a little dry. Sometime during the meal I realized that all I had really wanted to know was that he thought of me.  I didn't want to be something he did because there was nothing else to do.  Though I had decided I didn't want to be important to someone else, I knew that I had thought of him.  Assuming I hadn't been a thought to him when I wasn't in his vision felt lonely and I just didn't want to be alone in that.  The food I saw before me provided the answer.  I could easily think no further than that night as long as I knew I was more than an afterthought.

      He ate some chips as he offered me the pasta salad, but I told him I'd had enough to eat.

      He smiled as soon as I had said it, leaning over to kiss me.  He kissed me like that for a long time before he broke away, cleaned up some of the food, then knelt before me to kiss me again. Touching my hair with his fingers, he suckled my lips.  Intense and passionate, he only used his lips for a long time.  I put my hand on his chest until he tugged at the buttons on my shirt and pushed it off my shoulders.  He sat back on his feet, pulling off his tee and undoing his pants.  I followed his lead and undid mine, but then he leaned forward again.  Supporting my head he lay me on my back.  As he straddled me, he kissed me again, letting his tongue taste me while a hand caressed my breast through my bra.

      When he stopped kissing, I opened my eyes.  He stared into mine for a second before he spoke softly.  "You mean something to me, Charlie, but something isn't everything."

      I pushed up onto my elbows.  I couldn't think of a response, mainly because I liked to know that I meant something, but I didn't need to be everything.  I wasn't ready to think of him as everything to me either.

      He must have felt a need to fill the silence because he cocked his head.  "I don't want to get attached.  I don't want you to get attached either.  We're not really the attaching type, are we?"

      I shook my head.  He smiled.  "You have the most beautiful blue eyes," he remaked.  I supposed he was trying to recapture the mood.

      When he started kissing me again, it took me a moment to relax again.  Letting my mouth free, he began to press his lips to my jaw, then down my chest.  I leaned my head back, taking in the sensations as he licked my breastbone, moved down to my abdomen, holding my hips in his hands while his tongue and mouth suckered to bits of flesh all the way down.  He neared my waistline, grabbed my jeans and panties, and worked them down over my hips while tracing a path around my pelvis.  I felt lips between my legs, but it moved quickly to my thighs, my knees, my calves and he tossed my lower clothes aside.  He knelt and pushed his pants down, working his way out of them before pushing my legs open.  Wolf's tongue explored my inner thigh higher and higher, teasing me as he brushed his fingers around my tummy.

           I rubbed my hands through his hair and he moved his kisses to my stomach.  I felt his flesh covering me, warming me. Slowly, gently he guided me onto my side, unclasping my bra and releasing me from it before he reached around and massaged my breast while kissing my shoulder blade.  Licking his way up to my neck, he pushed the hair aside and let his hand focus on my nipple.  I know my breathing got louder as the nerves in my body relaxed completely.  I reached back and felt his cock, stroking it while he moved against me.  He sucked on the back of my neck until I could feel my blood rising to the surface.

      He stopped kissing and touched the dark fairy tattoo I had on my lower back, her wings spread from side to side and her feet pointing down.  I heard him let out a breath that may have been a chuckle before he kissed it, then directed one leg forward.  He straddled the leg I had against the ground, slid against me, and pushed himself inside.  I felt him moving in, the skin on my upper, inner thigh very sensitive.  Using a hand for support, he grasped the hip facing up and pulled it back.  I wrapped my leg around his hip.

      Pushing and pulling, he tugged me closer, then shoved me away. Instinctively, I sought his thrusts with the bucking of my hips.  Feeling exposed nerve endings, I grew hotter.  He grasped my thigh near the knee and shoved harder, grunting.  I heard a sound escape my lips.  My breathing quickened with the pounding in my chest.  He slid along my opening faster until I finally gasped.  I know I let out a word of exclamation, but I couldn't hang onto it long enough to remember the word.  It fell from my mouth and I reached back, grabbing him while I pulsated against his cock.  He grunted again and again until finally I felt him.  I could feel his muscles tense, then relax at the same moment the veins in his penis throbbed out release.  He groaned, a low growl escaping as he bent over me and slid himself out carefully.

      He reached over me to grab one of the napkins from our meal.  Noiselessly, he moved behind me as I stayed in the same position, too spent to move.  After a moment, he pressed his body up behind mine and put his arm around me.  I felt him kiss my neck.  The change of my body from overheated caused a shiver.  In a moment, Wolf reached out and spread the picnic blanket over us.  "We'll warm up a little and then I'll take you home," he offered.

      I relaxed as he touched my hair, fingering it lightly. With him spooning me, it didn't take very long before I felt warm and peaceful.

§§§§§




      I opened my eyes very slightly, then shut them again quickly.  I felt so relaxed that I thought I had let myself fall asleep for just a moment, though now the room was very bright.  Before I had a chance to think about the possibility that I had fallen asleep for the night, I felt a hand move on my side.  I felt a kiss on my neck, but the instant it happened, I heard a voice which startled me.  "I didn't want a live show!" The voice breaking the silence belonged to Frick. Wolf and I both jerked to sit up, me pulling the blanket to my chest.

           We stared blankly for a moment, but Wolf thought first.  He reached out for his pants, pulling them under the blanket.  "Hey, man."  He ran his hand through his hair, turning his slept-on look back into his usual wild spikes with an impressive swipe of his hand.

      I blinked.  Wolf shifted around, managing to pull his pants on quickly before he threw the blanket off. 

      "I came by early to make sure you had cleaned up for a rehearsal," Frick explained.  "Imagine my surprise."

      Gallantly, Wolf gathered my clothes, handing them to me.  "How long have you been sitting there staring at us, you perv?"

      Frick narrowed his eyes.  "I got here a second ago.  I was trying to decide what to do," he remarked. His eyes fell on me.  "I was supposed to take you home last night.  I wondered what had happened to you."

      Wolf looked between us a moment before he met my gaze.  "Why don't you go down to the bathrooms and get dressed?" he suggested.

      I nodded, working to secure the blanket around me as I stood, my clothes bundled to my chest as I worked my way slowly down the ladder.  At the door, I kicked some cords into the doorway so that I would be able to get back into the place without having to knock.

      I didn't hear a word as I left.  I stood in the bathroom, cleaning myself up a little and pulling on my clothes.  I looked in the mirror, wiping cool water under my eyes to wash away smeared eyeliner and make myself presentable.  I gave the reflection a sigh before I opened the bathroom and stepped into the hall.  As I silently pushed the door open, I heard their voices and stopped.

      "Because you'll fuck it up, man.  Just like you fuck up everything," Frick said.

      I knew I shouldn't have been eavesdropping, but I couldn't resist that temptation to hear some honesty.

      "It's not that big a deal," Wolf defended casually.

      "Think of the band.  We're all friends with her and when this thing blows up, she'll be gone and they'll all resent you.  You're playing with fire.  Once they resent you, that'll fuck the whole band.  I'm not losing all we've worked for because you want a fuck."

      "It's not just a fuck," Wolf snapped.

      "Really?  So what are you, shopping for wedding rings?"

      "Fuck you."

      "Oh, fuck me.  You don't get laid for a week so you fuck the nearest thing with tits?"

      "It's not like that."

      "Haven't seen you bringing home groupies.  What am I supposed to think?"

      "I don't know.  Maybe that I'm not interested in them because I found someone more interesting?" Wolf snarled sarcastically.

      "Which brings me back to my point.  You'll fuck it up and we'll all pay the price."  I waited for Wolf's response, but he didn't seem to have one.  When Frick spoke again, his voice had become more gentle.  "You need to end this before it becomes too much. You said she's not too attached, right?" Frick paused and I heard someone move a little so I stepped back.  "Then it'll be easy.  Do it now before anyone can get hurt," I heard as I let it close.

      I knocked.  A few seconds later, it opened.  Wolf looked solemn.  "I'll give you a ride home," he said, taking the blanket I offered and tossing it aside.

      On the way, I bit my lower lip.  Wolf drove with such destination and intense concentration, I didn't want to speak.  My mind ran over what I had heard and how I could get him to tell me about it so that I wouldn't have to feign ignorance for long.  Finally he stopped in the gutter outside my building and I let out a breath.  "I bet Frick wasn't too happy to see that, was he?"

      "None of his fucking business." Wolf seemed cold.

      I stepped off slowly and removed the helmet. He watched me stare at it a moment before I held it out to him.  "He wants you to end it, doesn't he?"

      He glanced at me.  "Where did you get that idea?"

      I shrugged.  "Just a hunch.  Maybe he's right.  Might alienate the other members of the band."

      He frowned and took the helmet.  "You heard us?"

      I shrugged.

      He set it on his lap and rested his arm over it. "Well, it doesn't matter."

      "Doesn't it?"

      "No."

      "You agreed to dump me," I said.

      "So?"

      "So just do it already."

      He smirked.  "God, you're impossible."

      "That seems to be the main thing you think about me."

      "I told Frick I'd dump you so he'd get off my ass.  As long as we're more careful from now on, it'll be fine."

      I folded my arms and leaned on one hip.  "What exactly is it you're fighting to keep?"

      He smiled.  "Convenient sex," he responded with a shrug.  "The thing I said to him that is the most important thing to remember is it's none of their fucking business, okay?  Just keep that in your head and it will answer all your questions."  He put the helmet on.

      I stared through the cover to where his eyes should be.  "I think you're a little bit crazy," I mumbled.

      Chuckling, Wolf put his hands on the handlebars.  "I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me." He turned his head away and rode off.  I watched him as he went down the street until he turned the corner.

§§§§§




      It was easy.  It was a lot easier than I expected it to be, actually. We broke the first rule – sex only in my apartment –  when we found ourselves somewhere we were absolutely certain we couldn't be caught; the bathrooms at a convention center where I had to work one weekend and the back of the van in the parking lot at my work when he had to run errands for Frick, for example.  Of course, when I returned to work late from lunch that day, we took the latter off the list of possibilities.

      At rehearsals, Wolf and I sat apart from each other, carefully mingling with other band members and trying not to look at each other because if we looked, we stared and if we stared, Frick would kick Wolf in the leg or scowl at me.

       It took about two more weeks before Wolf found a job. They didn't need him to start until the new year, a little over a week later. We spent a lot of time together during those weeks and I felt a little sad that they would come to an end.  On Friday of the last week I got some news at work.  A little anxious to share it, I showed up to a rehearsal uninvited, though there really was no such thing for me.  As soon as I climbed the last steps, Sir Gay moved off the couch.  "You can sit here," he offered as he stood.  "I'll grab you a beer."

      When I saw that Wolf slouched on the other end of the couch, I hesitated.  "Hey, look!  It's a Charlie," he slurred, then chuckled.  I furrowed my brow and sat.  Sir Gay handed me a beer and I opened it.  Peter sat in the cubbyhole while Frick lay on his side in front of the television.

      It became obvious very quickly that they were all inebriated.  I drank my first beer rather quickly to catch up. The chatter seemed a little bumbling to a sober person so I asked for another. Someone started to make fun of Sir Gay and Marie, but I didn't pay enough attention to join.

      "So, I've got news," I said finally.

      "What's that?" Peter asked, the only one seeming interested.

      "I'm going to North Carolina."

      "Vacation?" Frick asked.

      "No.  It's for my job.  Mr. Hinkle, that's my boss, he also owns a publishing company out there.  He just needs someone to go out and help him for a few weeks."

      Wolf sat up.  "When you say weeks, how many do you mean?"

      "About three.  Maybe four."

      "For what?" he asked.

      "He had a few people quit including some of his editors.  He wants to go out and see what the problem is as well as hire a few new people," I explained.  "I mean, I'll have basically the same job; faxing, fetching coffee, handling some calls.  Nothing important, but he asked a bunch of people and no one wanted to go so I said I would do it.  He's paying for all my expenses.  After work and on weekends, I'll get to be a tourist."

      "Sounds fun," Peter said, leaning forward.  "You going to buy us souvenirs?"

      "Maybe."  I leaned my head back.  "I'm so excited to go, to get out of this place for a little while.  I've never been back east."

      Wolf began to tap his foot causing the whole couch to beat slightly.  "Is it just you and your boss?" he asked.

      I turned to him. "His wife is coming too."

      "Think he'll get adjoining rooms so that you'll be at his beck and call?" he asked, smiling widely and then taking a large swig from his beer bottle.

      I frowned.  "I think he said he'd make sure our rooms were on the same floor, but that's the extent of it."  Folding my arms, I looked at Frick.  He gave me an angry stare though I didn't know what he expected me to do.

      "I've been out there a couple times," Sir Gay said.  "It's nice.  Well, Virginia was nice."

      I nodded.  "I just wanted you guys to know why I won't be around."

      "When are you leaving?" Wolf asked.

      "Week from Sunday," I said to no one in particular.

      Wolf drank more and I finished my beer.  I asked for another and Frick passed it to me.  All at once Wolf pounced and flopped across the couch knocking me back in a kiss.  I could hear the sound of everyone going into shock.

      "Wolf!  What the hell?" Peter snapped as I tried to push him off.

      "Dammit, we agreed you shouldn't…" Frick began before Peter had finished, but was quickly interrupted.

      "You knew about this?" Sir Gay asked in a high voice.

      I pushed harder and Wolf's sloppy kiss finally ended as he began to laugh almost hysterically.  I slapped his arm while he leaned back on the couch.

      Frick looked at Sir Gay.  "I told him to lay off."

      "Then what the fuck are you doing?" Peter asked Wolf.

      "Oh fuck you.  Fuck all of you," Wolf snarled.

      "You're drunk," Frick observed.

      "No shit!" Wolf snapped, then shook his head.

      "We agreed," Frick persisted.

      "No, you told me what you thought and agreed with yourself, Dad. This is between Charlie and me, not any of the rest of you."  Wolf reached for another beer, but Frick swiped it away.

      "It's not just between you.  She's our friend.  This will affect all of us," Frick argued.

      Wolf scoffed.  "I like her," he mumbled, then glanced at me before looking to the group.  "I mean, what's so wrong about it? At least she shows up to hang out and support us," he said, looking at Sir Gay.  "Unlike Marie."  He turned to Peter.  "And at least I'm not stupid enough to get attached enough for it to hurt if she cheats on me, unlike Carla."

      "Fuck you," Peter snapped.

      Wolf looked at Frick, hesitating before he spoke again.  "And at least I am having sex, unlike you with your secret little trysts that everyone knows are lies."

      I had never seen a look so furious cross Frick's face.  He looked at the unopened beer in his hand.  "They're not lies," he murmured, then met Wolf's gaze again.  "I just wouldn't want to subject anyone to this bullshit!" he snapped suddenly as he got to his feet and left as quickly as possible.

      "Wolf's right. It's not your business…" I began as Frick left, but he didn't stop.  I heard the door below slam. 

      I started to stand, but Wolf grabbed my arm. "Let him go," he said.

      I sat there a moment, then shook my head.  "Just give me a minute," I said, hurrying down the ladder.

      I had to run out and look around to find Frick.  He was halfway across the park, going where, I didn't know. "Frick," I called out, but he didn't stop.  I jogged closer.  "Hey," I said.

      He stopped and turned.  "Leave me alone," he growled, starting his fast walk again.

      "Are you really this pissed off that Wolf and I slept together?"

      He turned again.  "The world doesn't revolve around the two of you, you know."

      "I didn't think so, but look at you.  What's the explanation?"

      He folded his arms.  "I'm not about to talk to you about it."

      "Why not?"

      He shook his head.  "Just fuck off and leave me alone."

      "Look, I know Wolf wasn't behaving very nicely up there. Don't take what he said personally.  It's okay if you don't get into dating much."

      "I date," he snapped.  "I fuck a lot, okay?  I just don't want to bring anyone around this nightmare.  They're fucking vultures."

      "It's amazing how well you guys get along, but you can't accept anyone's girlfriends.  I mean, Marie, Carla…"

      "We liked Carla, but we all knew she cheated on Peter.  Marie has always been a bitch.  The fact is, we all like you or we wouldn't let you hang around, would we?"

      "Just because Wolf and I hooked up doesn't mean I'm not friends with the rest of you. It also doesn't mean that if we break up, we can't all hang out together."

      "Yeah, well, we'll see."

      I stared at him a moment.  "It's not like you to be such a pessimist."

      He looked away.  "I really just need some time alone," he said sternly.

      I started back to the loft.  "If you decide you want to talk to someone, I'll respect that, okay?"

      "Charlie?" he said softly.

      I spun.  He held out his hand, dangling his keys.  "It will be easier to get back in with these," he said, but when I took them, he held them a moment.  "I know I could trust you, Charlie.  I just don't think I can trust anyone with certain things."

      He let them go. "Thanks." I said, taking them.  "What about you?"

      "Tell the guys I'm going home.  I'll pick them up from you or someone later."

      I nodded.  He turned, tucked his hands in his pockets, and lowered his head.  I watched him continue walking for quite a way before I went back to the loft.

      Wolf drove me home that night and stayed.  In the morning I gave him Frick's keys.  I told him I thought they should have a night just for them so I wouldn't be coming to the rehearsal or the show.  He kissed my cheek and accepted it.  I thought that would be the end to the situation.

§§§§§




      Saturday afternoon, the phone rang.  I set down the book I had been reading and leaned forward to pick up.  "Hello?"

      Wolf's voice sounded irritated.  "What did Frick say to you when he left last night?"

      "Why?  Is he pissed off?"

      "He's not here."

      "What do you mean?  He didn't show up for rehearsal?"

      "No.  We knew he didn't have his keys so Peter waited outside.  We've called his apartment and his cell.  We even tried his work numbers even though they're closed on Saturdays.  So what did he say?"

      "Exactly what I said when I got back; that he was going home and that he'd come by to pick up his keys later."

      "Then where the fuck is he?"

      "I'm the last person who would know."

           "I can't believe he's acting like such a cunt because of a little tension last night," he said.  "Look, if you hear from him, tell him to call us, okay?"

      "Of course."

      "Later."

      I didn't think much about it again until I stood in my bedroom getting ready for bed just after eleven p.m. and the phone rang again.  I moved out to the living room and answered it.  Wolf sounded panicked.  "Have you heard from Frick at all?"

      "You still haven't heard from him?"

      "We were supposed to be on five minutes ago."

      "Did you go by his place?"

      "Yeah.  No one answered. The keys you gave us didn't have an apartment key on it."

      "Well, he's an adult.  I'm sure he's fine. What are you going to do about the show?"

      "We can lose a guitar and I can cover vocals, I guess.  This doesn't work without Frick.  He's part of the sound."

      "I know, I know."  I brushed back some hair from my forehead.  "I don't know what to tell you, Wolf.  He seemed okay. I'll try calling him."

      "We've called him a thousand times…"

      "Yeah, I know, but maybe he's screening.  I'll try.  It's all I can promise."

      "That fucker better not screw us or I'll kill him."

      I hung up the phone and called both numbers I had for Frick, his home and his mobile.  After a moment of thought, I called the cab company.  Once I got dressed again, I gathered my things and went down to wait for the cab.

      Instructing the driver to wait, I went up to Frick's apartment.  Though I had the address, I had never actually been there.  I knocked.  I knocked again, harder.  From the landing, I could only see in one window and my view was obstructed by blinds.  In the lower corner where two slats were stuck together, I peeked inside.  It was completely dark.

      I pondered my options for a moment before reaching up, sliding my hand along the door frame, and coming up empty.  Looking around, I checked the lamp, beneath the doormat, and under the railing.  I exhausted all my options before I went the route of vandalism.  When I pulled on the frame for the screen at the window, I loosed it from its track.  From there it didn't take much to pop it out, then slide the window open just a few inches.  When I parted the blinds, I found myself looking into the living room at a couch and television.

      "I'm coming in, Frick!" I yelled, pausing for a moment.  When I didn't hear a sound, I pushed the window open a bit more.  It stopped before it opened completely.  I pushed the blinds aside and looked for an obstruction.  In the track, a short dowel jammed the path.  I stared at it a moment, then reached my arm inside.  I couldn't reach far enough so I pushed my head, then a shoulder into the limited space.  The pressure wedged the dowel into place.  I looked down to see a pair of boots, a jacket, and a coat in a pile on the floor behind the door.  I turned, reaching for the knob, but it was farther than the dowel.  With a little struggle, I managed to get more of my body through the window.  Reaching down, I grabbed the jacket and tossed it aside, then the coat.  Under it, I had hoped to find something of value.  When I didn't, I grabbed the upper edge of the window frame, twisted my torso, and worked my way in.  As soon as I finally managed to wedge my hips and ass through, I fell to the floor with a thud.  Looking around, I pulled my feet the rest of the way through and climbed to my feet.  Instantly I knew I'd be covered in bruises.  I could feel many of them.

      I slid the window shut and started my way around the apartment.  As soon as I passed the door, the room opened up.  In the space, Frick had placed a card table and three folding chairs.  Along the wall, the kitchen lay out with a simple fridge, stove, and small counter. The place was a mess of papers, but generally maintained.  On the other side of the room, an open doorway awaited me.  I passed into it and looked around.  Seeing nothing, I tentatively turned on the light.  Though fairly clean, a few clothes were strewn over the end of the unmade bed.  Another door entered into a small bathroom.  I turned on that light, but saw nothing.

      I had half expected Frick to jump out at me from somewhere.  When he didn't, I felt more concerned.  I began to root around the room.  The bottom of his closet had several boxes and rolls of posters.  In the middle of it, I noticed an empty rectangle.  When I looked up, I noticed a few hangers without clothes.  It occurred to me that they might be in a suitcase somewhere.  I didn't think of the violation as I opened his drawers.  Without knowing what ought to be there, I couldn't be sure anything was missing.  Still, they were disheveled and half empty.  I went into the bathroom and opened the medicine chest.  There were no razors or other personal items and the shelves were generally bare.

      I went back to the front door and opened it to access my small purse.  When I took it out and called Wolf's cell, the voicemail answered.  I realized they were probably onstage so I hung up and put it away.  It took a little fight to get the screen back into the window and without the key I could only lock the knob, not the deadbolt on Frick's apartment.

      When I went back to the cab, the brunette beanpole driver seemed annoyed.  "You were in there a long time," he said, turning to me.  "I'm going to need cash before we move on."

      I huffed, reached into my bag, and pulled out some cash.  I handed it to him.  "I'll need to stop at an ATM next," I explained.  "Then we're going downtown to a club called Inferno.  Do you know it?"

      He nodded and started the car. By the time I arrived at the club, it neared closing time.  I hurried up to the stage and caught Peter's attention.  He looked angry.  They all looked angry and the crowd was a little less excitable.  I noticed the drums were off a little every now and then and Wolf's voice didn't express the songs as well as Frick's had.  The song ended and I signaled to Peter again.  He motioned to Wolf who looked at me.  I motioned across me neck.  He leaned to the microphone bent at an odd angle so that he could speak into it.  "We're cutting our show a little short tonight.  Dust Jacket will return in full force next week."  He stood and walked over to me, drumsticks still in his hand. He leaned over.  "What's up?"

      "He's gone," I said.

      Wolf sat on the edge of the stage.  "Yeah, no one can find him," he said.

      "No, gone.  Like he's packed a suitcase and fled the country."

      "What are you talking about?" Peter asked from over Wolf's shoulder as Sir Gay joined our conversation.

      "I broke into his apartment.  I'm pretty sure some of his clothes are gone and all his personal stuff from the bathroom is missing.  Does he have family somewhere?"

      Wolf shook his head.  "Only here in town. What do you mean you broke in?"

      "Anywhere he might go?" I asked, without acknowledging the question.

      They looked at each other.  "What the fuck?" Peter said.  "What the fuck happened?"

      "He seemed a little out of it when he left last night, but he just said he was going home," I told them.

      "What do you mean when you say out of it?" Sir Gay inquired as he sat beside Wolf.

      "I don't know.  Somber, I guess. Can't you guys think of anyplace he talked about going or maybe an old friend who moved away?"

      Sir Gay and Peter shrugged.  Wolf looked pensive, then he took in a breath.  "Last year he was a little bummed.  Said a friend from work moved to New York. Didn't say much else about it, though."

      "It's a place to start.  What's the friend's name?"

      "Don't know.  Bob or something?" Wolf said, thinking.

      "Bob.  That'll help," I mocked, then folded my arms.  "Well, we could probably break back in. I didn't think to look for an address book, but it might be a good place to start."

      They agreed. We all arrived in front of Frick's apartment in the van a short while later.  When we got to the door, Peter turned the knob and frowned.  "I thought you broke in."

      "I went through the window."

      "There's a screen," he said, looking at it.

      "I put it back when I left."

      Wolf put a hand in his pocket.  "If it wasn't for the deadbolt, I could just open the door."

      I turned to him.  "I went through the door when I left.  I couldn't lock the deadbolt so I just locked the doorknob."

      "Why didn't you leave through the window too?" Sir Gay asked.

      I felt in the middle of a terrible skit.  "I could have I guess, but it was a tight squeeze.  He's got something blocking it and I thought the door would be easier."

      "Oh, well, then," Wolf said, reaching into his pocket and taking out a pocket knife.  He pried away the jam, then pushed the blade in, popping the latch.  The door opened.

      Inside we split up, looking through drawers and at some of the papers around the phone. Finally Sir Gay straightened.  "I found something," he said.  He held up a small navy book.  "It's full of phone numbers and addresses," he added, flipping it open.

      We gathered around, Wolf looking over Sir Gay's shoulder as he fingered through, then Wolf pointed.  "There. Reno Wilkins with an address in New York.  It's the first one out of town.  Let's try it."

      "Reno?" I asked. "You're right. Sounds just like Bob. I can see the confusion."

      "Fuck you," Wolf said.  "Just make the call."

      Sir Gay pulled out his phone.  I stopped him.  "Do you have a speaker phone on that by any chance?"  He shook his head.  "I have one on mine.  We can all hear what happens," I suggested, taking it out.

      We called the number.  It rang several times as everyone found seats and I held it out for them to hear.  Finally a gruff male voice answered.  "Hello?"

      "Hey, is this Reno?" I asked.

      "Who the fuck is this?" he responded.

      "I'm a friend of Frederick Joplin.  Do you know him?"

      "It's three-thirty in the morning," he said, the anger apparent.

      I looked at the guys and pursed my lips before speaking again.  "Yeah, I'm sorry.  It's just that it's urgent we find him. Do you know him?"

      The voice let out a low groan, then a sigh.  "Yes.  I know Frederick."

      "That's great.  Have you heard from him recently?"

      The man paused. After a few seconds, he said, "I heard from him last night."

      I had to think about my next question, but Wolf jumped in.  "Do you know where he is?"

      The person waited a long time before he responded again.  "He's okay.  I can tell you that."

      "Is he there with you?" I asked.

      He sighed.  "I know you're worried about him, but he's fine.  Don't worry." He paused.  "I'll try to make him call one of you soon, okay?" he said.

      "We just want to know what's going on," Wolf interrupted.

      "I'll try to make him call," the man repeated, then hung up.

      I stared at the phone a moment before turning it off and putting it back in my bag. "That was… interesting."

      Sir Gay nodded.  Peter and Wolf just frowned.  Wolf let out a breath and stood.  "So what do we do now?  Cancel all our gigs?  Shop for a new guitar vocalist?"

      "Give him a couple days," I suggested.  "Maybe he just needs time to think."

      Wolf ran his hand over his hair.  "Come on. We'll go back to the club and get Sir Gay's car, then I'll take you home." He grasped my hand.  "Mind taking Peter home?" he asked Sir Gay over his shoulder.

      "Nope," Sir Gay responded as we locked up and left.

§§§§§




      I knew we all thought about Frick and worried a little, but no one let on even during their rehearsal on Wednesday.  Peter had found a passable guitar player with a decent singing voice where he worked. As Gus filled in, learning the songs slowly, I could see Wolf's frustration every time Gus missed a chord.

           After almost an hour, Wolf rubbed his forehead.  "That's enough for tonight," he said.  "Take the music and go home, Gus.  Learn it by Friday so we can run through it before the show, okay?"

      "Sure," Gus said, packing up his things. 

      Wolf tapped a little on the drums until Gus left, then he stood.  "Imbecile," he mumbled.

      Peter put down his bass.  "Yeah, but he can play."

      "Barely.  Nimrod kept missing chords."

      "Give him a break.  He'll get it."

      Wolf looked at me.  "Can I take you home?" he asked.

      "Sure," I said, noticing the glance Sir Gay and Peter gave each other, but neither said anything.

      As soon as we got outside, Wolf let out a loud growl.  I watched him as he pulled at the short hairs on his head. "This fucking sucks," he snarled.

      "I know," I said.  "But Gus isn't that bad is he?"

      Wolf punched a fist into the wall.  When he turned, I saw a little blood on his knuckles.  "Is he punishing us?  I mean, is this all about a little fucking?  I worked too long and too hard for him to throw it away!"

      "It's not us, Wolf," I said.  "I think it's something else."

      "What, then?  Because it makes no sense.  One thing it's all good and the next he fucks off."

      I touched his arm.  "I keep telling you, I think he just needed some time to himself."

      Wolf looked at me, then put his arm around me, his hand hanging limp off my shoulder.  "What do you suppose he's up to?"

      "Hopefully, he's figuring out what's wrong," I said.

      He bowed his head as we walked.  "Think he's going to be okay?"

      It was the first time Wolf had let on that he worried.  I nodded.  "Yeah, I think so."

      "Good."

      At my apartment, we sat on the couch kissing.  He lay over me, removing my shirt as he kissed my shoulder.  The phone rang.  He didn't stop.  I reached for the phone, but he took my hand and kissed the palm of it.  "Who would be calling you at this time of night?" he asked between kisses.

      "I guess that's what makes me curious." I reached for the phone again.

      He murmured against my neck and touched my lips with his as I held up the phone to look at it.  I pushed him away.  "It's from the New York area code."

      Wolf sat back and watched intently.  I pushed the button. "Hello?"

      "Hey," came a meek voice from the other end.

      "Frick, are you okay?" I asked immediately.

      "Yeah, oh yeah." He sounded a little better.  I shifted to sit, pulling my shirt back onto my shoulder. "Are you alone?" he asked.

      I hesitated.  "No."

      "Wolf's there, right?"

      "Yes."

      I heard him breathe loudly.  "Uh, do you think you could call me back?  Or maybe I can call you sometime when you'll be alone."

      "It's okay.  You can talk."

      "No.  I really can't."

      "I could get rid of him."

      I expected him to decline, but instead, after a pause, he said, "Would you?"

      "If you don't mind waiting."

      "No, that's okay."

      I put my hand over the phone and smiled at Wolf.  "He's okay. He just wants to talk.  Can I see you tomorrow instead?"

      Wolf furrowed his brow.  "Let me talk to him."

      "No, I don't think he wants to talk to you.  Please?  I could take the train to the studio after work."

      Wolf huffed.  "No, I'll pick you up here tomorrow night.  We'll have dinner."

      I nodded.  He kissed my cheek, grabbed his shirt, and left.  I returned my attentions to the person on the other end of the phone.  "You ready to talk?"

      "I need you to tell the guys a few things. I need you to tell them together."

      "Okay. Such as?"

      "They've got to start looking for a replacement."

      "You're not coming back?"

      "I don't know, but if I do I can't say when.  I don't want the band to blame me so they need to find someone soon."

      "You can't.  It's a whole entity, you know.  No one else meshes…"

      "They have to.  I won't be responsible for the band breaking up."

      "Funny.  You wanted to put the blame for that on Wolf."

      "Charlie, you don't understand."

      "You're right.  I don't."

      "I guess this was a bad idea.  You said I could talk to you."

      "That's when I thought you wanted someone to listen.  Instead you're doing the thing you thought Wolf and I were going to do; cause resentment, break up the band."

      "Wolf told you?"

      "I overheard it. The thing is, it didn't matter because I thought you guys were stronger than that."

      "They are.  I'm not. I can't do this anymore."

      "Play in the band?  You loved it."

      "You're right.  I do love it, but there is something bigger at work here."

      "What?" I waited.  He didn't respond.  "I've been the one defending you, Frick.  I kept telling the guys you just needed time to think.  Now you want me to go back and tell them that you bailed?"

      "I didn't bail."

      "You're not here, are you?"

      "I can't explain it, okay?  It's just something that I don't want to hide anymore.  I thought if I got away I could find the courage to tell them, but I can't.  I think it's better if I just make a new life for myself and let things sort themselves out."

      I straightened.  "You'd rather ditch your best friends than, what?  Come out to them?"

      "What do you mean, come out?" He sounded panicked.

      "Tell them about this thing you're hiding."  I paused. "Oh my God." I remembered my instincts which I had quickly pushed aside.  I knew how hard he had tried to hide it, but there were the sly looks, the gestures. I wanted to discount it because I was so certain he that if he were gay, he would have told the band.

      "What?"

      "I don't want to say it."

      "What are you thinking?" he asked quickly.

      "You tell me.  I'm not going to push it because it's something you have to say."

      He cleared his throat.

      I waited, but heard nothing.  "You know, starting life over isn't going to make it easier to say.  If what you need is to stop hiding, you should start by telling someone."

      "Funny, coming from you."

      "You've got a point, but as soon as it came up, I was honest with you. Still, this isn't about me.  You're the one who can't even face your band, your friends."

      Frick hesitated.  "Maybe it really is no one's business.  That's what you said to Shawnee."

      "If it's keeping you from having friends, then it becomes important. You obviously need someone to define you by it.  Let me do that.  I won't tell the guys.  You tell them in your own time, in your own way.  If you let me in, I can be part of the support instead of part of that wall."

      He huffed twice before he finally spoke.  "Reno is a really great guy.  I think the guys would like him if they got to meet him."

      "They probably would."

      "He's been telling me that I shouldn't worry so much.  If they're really my friends, they won't care."

      "I think that's definitely true.  They really didn't mind that I'm bi.  Typically I'd be the subject of many threesome comments.  The fact they haven't indicated it says to me that they might have a little more respect."

           "I guess." I waited a long time after he said that.  Finally he smirked.  "I've had a lot of those secret trysts, you know, over the years." He paused.  "Well, Reno is the first one I wished I could introduce to the guys."

      "But the two of you are there and we're here."

      "I could ask Reno to come visit."

      "Yes you could."

      Frick breathed loudly.  "I feel like a load has been lifted off my chest."

      "It will feel better after you tell the guys."

      "I know."

      "So come back.  Be here for the gig Saturday.  We'll talk after the show."

      "That's so soon."

      "You know you'd like to. Besides, I'm leaving for a few weeks after that so if you want my support, now is better.  You'll go nuts waiting for a month."

      "Thanks, Charlie," he said humbly.

      "Call me if you need to talk again."

      "Yeah.  I'll let you go now."

      "See you this weekend," I pressed hopefully.

      "Bye," he responded, then hung up.

§§§§§




      Though they rehearsed for a few hours on Friday, Wolf insisted on early rehearsals Saturday.  I arrived around lunch after offering to bring something for them to eat.  I took the food upstairs and listened to them go through a few songs.  Gus had definitely improved, his missed strums only occurring once every other song. When I got bored enough, I descended the ladder again and made myself comfortable beside the drafty window while I watched them play.

      Peter and Sir Gay both regarded Gus hopefully.  Wolf looked infuriated and grew more so as time went on. All at once he stopped and a drumstick went flying.  When it struck Gus in the back of the head, he turned.  "What the fuck is your problem?" Gus snapped.

      The others stopped playing.

      "That was the wrong fucking verse!" Wolf started out calmly, but by the end, he screamed. 

      "Come on.  No one will notice," Sir Gay said quickly.

      Wolf threw his other stick.  As it flipped past Sir Gay, Wolf took a large stride around the drum set.  With a leap, he jumped on Gus. They both hit the floor, Gus's guitar cracking under the pressure. Peter reacted as though he knew it was coming, his guitar miraculously set aside as he leaped into the fight and grabbed Wolf. Gus rolled Wolf off, almost crushing Peter as he got in a punch.  Wolf clasped his hands around Gus's neck.

      I felt a little sick as I watched Sir Gay move into the fray, cymbals and a microphone stand crashing to the floor.  I knew I couldn't help if I got involved so I thought frantically about my options.

      Gus kicked Wolf's stomach, letting Sir Gay pull him away at the same time.  "I don't need this fucking shit!" he snarled as he grabbed his broken guitar, looked at it, threw it at Wolf, and stormed out.

      "You fucking son of a bitch!  He was our best chance at keeping it together." Peter let go of Wolf.

      "Frick will be back.  I know he'll be back."

      Sir Gay threw his gear together hastily. "Until then, we're butt-fucked, you jackass!"

      "It'll be fine," Wolf said, collecting his sticks.  As he straightened from picking up the one he'd thrown at Sir Gay, he looked at me.  "Don't you think, Charlie?"

      Sir Gay and Peter both looked at me as though I had been the root of the problem.  I swallowed.  "I don't know," I said quickly, feeling myself get anxious from the pressure of it all.  My phone rang and I felt saved.  I hurried past them, my heart racing.  Wolf reached out to grab my arm, but I pulled away and stepped into the hall.

      As it rang, I put my hand to my chest and leaned on the wall.  I took a deep breath before answering. "Hello?"

      "If you're with the guys, don't say it's me."

      I blinked.  "I stepped out for a minute.  Things are kind of tense in there."  I could hear the guys arguing inside, but they sounded a little calmer.

      "Oh." Frick sounded deflated.

      "What's up?"

      "I'm standing outside."

      Straightening, I walked to the area with the large windows where the pay phones had once been.  I looked out the window. "You're kidding."

      "With Reno."

      I couldn't see them, but from that angle, I didn't expect to.  "You're kidding," I repeated, more emotionally.

      "I thought you could come down and meet him first." Frick suggested, unphased.

      "I'll be down in a minute." I hung up and charged down the stairs.  When I got outside, I put my hands in my pockets. Immediately I saw Frick and a stranger. "How did you know I'd be here?" I asked.

      "I didn't," Frick responded, then sighed.  "I took it one step at a time.  First we came here, then I had doubts and thought it would be better if you were here." He paused.  "This is Reno," he said after a moment.

      I couldn't say what I expected, but I know the tall man before me wasn't it. He was muscular and had long black braids.  I took his hand with a smile.  "Nice to meet you."

      "Nice to meet you, Charlie," he acknowledged, taking my hand a moment.

      I wrapped my arms around myself, the cold coming on fast.  "It's a mess, Frick.  They got some guy to fill in, but Wolf wouldn't have it.  They're up there trying to figure out what to do about the band right now."

      Frick nodded.  "I wish there was some way of doing this without doing it."  He glanced at Reno.  Reno nodded understanding.

      When Frick looked back at me, I pulled my arms tighter and shifted.  "Maybe there is.  I thought about this and I don't know if I could just up and tell a bunch of guys I've been friends with forever.  So, what if you just introduce them to Reno?  You could just sort of let things start to happen.  They'll figure it out.  If you just blurt it out, you'll give them a chance to confront you."

      Frick nodded, meeting Reno's gaze.  "Is that the pansy way out?"

      Reno chuckled and shrugged.  "You know these guys a hell of a lot better than I do."

      Frick nodded again, thoughtfully.  "Should we go up?" he suggested.

      I agreed.

      When we got to the hallway outside their studio, I noticed the door half open.  I led the way, peeking inside.  They stood around, casually drinking beers as though nothing had happened.  Wolf turned from where he leaned on the wall.  "There you are.  I wondered where you went."

      "I needed a little fresh air," I mumbled as I stepped into the room. 

      Frick stepped in behind me.  Wolf stood.  "Where the hell have you been?" He froze when Reno walked in behind him.

      Frick cleared his throat.  "Guys, this is Reno.  That's Wolf, Peter, and Sir Gay." He motioned to the owner of each name.

      "Hey," they each said cautiously.

      After a moment's silence, Wolf smiled.  "See?  I told you he'd be back."

      "Fuck you," Peter mumbled.

      "I'm sorry guys.  I just had to get away for a little while."

      "You here to stay?" Sir Gay asked.

      Frick nodded.

      They seemed to consider saying more for a moment before Wolf rubbed his hands together.  "Let's play."  He picked up his sticks.  Sir Gay frowned a moment before picking up his guitar.  Peter glanced at me, then strapped his bass over his shoulder.  Frick cleared his throat and walked over to his guitar.

§§§§§




      I didn't go to the show that night.  I told Wolf on the phone that I had to finish packing and get some sleep before meeting my boss at the airport two hours before our early morning flight.

      "Well, if you can't sleep you can come by the studio.  We'll probably go back there for drinks after the show."

      "Sounds good," I said, though I knew I wouldn't go.  I hung up and finished folding my sweater.  After that, I ran down to the laundry room to grab the last load of clothes I had cleaned out of the dryer.  I packed about half of them in the suitcase, having washed them all before deciding exactly what I wanted to take.

      Later, I ate, then cleaned out the refrigerator.  I cleaned the apartment and packed the last few items I had nearly forgotten.  By the time I climbed into bed, late night threatened to pass me by for early morning.

      Startled awake by a loud pounding, at first I bolted upright, then realized it was the door.  It had stopped, but a moment later it started again.  I blinked, rubbed my eyes, and picked up a book on my way. I wondered how throwing a book at a criminal might help, but it was the first thing I had seen.

      I looked through the peephole, placed the book on the table beside the entry, and proceeded to unlock the deadbolt and chain.  "What are you doing here?"

      With a nefarious grin, Wolf leaned against the door frame.  "No ‘nice to see you'?"  He clicked his tongue.

      I rubbed my eye again, the blur not willing to retreat.  "Was sleeping."

      "That's hot."

      I tried to think, but couldn't.  "Uh, why are you here again?"

      He stepped in and kissed me, softly at first.  He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me harder, pushing me against the nearest wall.  When he finally stopped, he looked into my eyes and smiled.

      "Afraid you'll miss me, are you?"

      He smirked.  "Nah."

      I put my arms around his neck and pulled him into a new kiss.  We stood there for some time before I pushed him, guiding him into the room.  I kicked the door closed as we passed it.  Leading him into the room with my touch and kisses, we stopped near the couch.  He reached beneath my tee and touched my bare breast.  His lips explored my neck while I felt for the button on his pants.  Once they were undone, I pushed them down.  He countered by sliding my panties down from my hips.

      I placed my hand gently under his jaw and kissed his lips more.  His tongue moved into my mouth.  I pushed him against the couch until he sat on the arm while slipping my hands under his shirt and rubbing his chest.  He held me around the waist, kissing harder.  When I first touched his cock, I felt him jolt.  He pulled me closer while tonguing my ear. 

      As smoothly as I could manage, I knelt over him on the arm of the couch.  I straddled him oddly on it, though he took it in stride.  Balanced precariously, I situated myself over his cock. Once positioned, it moved in effortlessly.  Wolf took my lower lip in his mouth, suckling it as I tightened my ass and pushed on him.  As his hand moved up into my hair, his tongue in my mouth, I felt him stop.  He released the kiss breathlessly just as I felt him slipping away.  "Uh," he managed before he fell back onto the couch, his arms still embracing me.  I smiled, going with him.  As I moved onto my knees, he slithered into a comfortable position.  I moved back over him, guiding his cock back to my slick opening.

      Gyrating my hips, I leaned back and placed my hands on his thighs.  I felt him, hard, inside me.  When I threw my head back, he touched my abdomen.  Closing my eyes, I felt his hands rubbing up and down my torso.  My whole body shifted with the force of my hips.  I moaned and moved one hand to put it over his as he rubbed me.  His hips moved beneath me.  My mind began to wake more and more to the sensations.  The hand I hadn't tracked slid toward my groin.  Wolf worked a finger between us, then fumbled a moment.  As soon as he found my clit, he ran a small circle around it.

      My skin tingled slowly as I heard him moan.  When he let out the telltale growl, I worked harder and faster.  The finger on my clit sped me toward orgasm until only a moment later, I let out a loud moan.  Sitting up straight, I brought myself against him again, the release washing over my body.  He still touched my clit and I shuddered uncontrollably until I fell forward onto him.  He shifted to the side until I was wedged securely between him and the back of the couch. I felt his lips capture mine while his hand moved behind my neck.

§§§§§




      The trip was not at all what I had expected.  Within three days I understood why his assistant had not wanted to join Mr. Hinkle for what he had portrayed as a working vacation.  Not only did he keep me busy during office hours, he always had a score of personal errands which he left to me so he could spend time with his wife.  The first night, I called at midnight in our time zone to let Frick know my hotel's contact information and room number in case I could not be reached by cell phone.  After that, I called Wolf and we talked for a couple of hours.  The next day I was so overcome with exhaustion that I didn't call Wolf again for nearly a week, though he left a couple messages on my voice mail and one in my room.

      On Friday night after Mr. Hinkle assured me that he wouldn't need me on the weekend, I grabbed a bite to eat in my room and finally returned his call.

      "How's the band?" I asked first.

      Wolf scoffed.  "Well, it was a little tense, but we're okay now."

      "You've forgiven Frick, then, huh?"

      "Yeah."

      "And what do you think of Reno?"

      "Cool guy."

      "You ready for your show tomorrow?"

      "Mostly.  Got a new song.  I want you to hear it when you get back."

      I leaned back on the bed and smiled.  "I can't wait."

      I heard him click his tongue a couple time.  "So, how's the vacation?"

      "Far too much work.  That's why I haven't called.  He's got me running morning until night!  Now I know why his secretary didn't want to come.  I thought I'd get to go sight seeing and souvenir shopping."

      Wolf chuckled.  "Well, I guess that's what you get."

      "I shouldn't complain.  He says I have the weekend to myself.  I mean, the company picks up the tab on the rooms and I get a daily allowance, though it barely covers food.  I've never been out this far east before.  It's beautiful."

      "I'm sure.  Do you know if it will be three or four weeks yet?"

      "No.  He said I should know by the end of next week.  I'll be sure to keep you updated."

      "Good." He sat quietly for a moment.  "What did you think of Reno?"

      "Me?"

      "Yes, you," Wolf pressed.

      "He seemed like a good guy."

      "More."

      "More?" I breathed.  "Well, he seemed respectful, I guess.  Kind of laid back."

      "Do you think he's gay?"

      I choked.  "Does it matter?" I finally asked. After several seconds, I started to worry.  "Wolf?"

      "The guys and I had a talk about things last night.  We've all, sort of, suspected for a while, but Frick has never, never talked about, you know, lovers – male or female – and he's never brought anyone to a rehearsal or a show."

      "Don't you think you should be talking to him about this?" I asked, trying to worm my way out of the conversation.

      "We sort of decided that we want to, but we don't want to put Frick on the defensive."

      I furrowed my brow.  "How long have you suspected?"

      "Couple years at least," he responded.

      "And you never said anything about it?  Nothing at all?"

      "Well, if we were wrong, Frick might flip out and break up the band."

      "But now that you've met Reno, maybe it's time to talk about it.  Did you ever stop to think he might want to get it off his chest?"

      "How do you talk to a guy about this?"

      "I don't know.  He's your friend."

      Wolf sighed.  "Did he say anything to you?"

      I hesitated.  "Anything he might have said or might not have said is between us anyway."

      He smirked knowingly.  "All right."

      "But I will say that I think you have nothing to fear in talking to him about it."

      "I see." He paused.  "Thanks Charlie."

      "Sure.  Hey, it's getting really late here so I'm going to head to bed."

      "Sounds hot."

      "Stop it."

      "Can I ask you a question?" he asked casually.

      "Sure," I responded, taking a little bite.

      "Why didn't you tell me you're bi?"

      I stopped chewing a moment.  "You knew."

      "I didn't."

      "Everyone knows."

      "I didn't," he responded, a little more agitated.

      I remembered suddenly that he hadn't been backstage when we discussed it.  I swallowed.  "Does it matter?"

      "I felt like an asshole when the guys said it."

      "My sexuality is a subject of conversation?" I dropped my fork, my brow furrowed.

      "It came up while we were talking about Frick and Reno. Sir Gay said something, I don't remember what and Peter asked me if it made sex better.  I didn't have a fucking clue."

      "I'm sorry.  I forgot that you weren't there.  I didn't think it would bother you."  I paused.  "Are you angry?"

      "Not exactly.  I guess I'm a little mad that you're keeping secrets from me."

      "I'm not keeping secrets.  It was an accident." I braced myself.  Soon it would sink in and he would be more furious.  I knew from past experience that if I didn't get it out of the way early on, my lover would always take it hard.

      He took a deep breath.  "I don't know how that sort of accident happens."

      "Shawnee kissed me while you guys were performing.  The guys confronted me.  I assumed you didn't have a problem with it and that's why you never said anything."

      "You kissed Shawnee?"

      "Yes." I paused.  "She and I used to date."

      "You asked me those questions about why I hit on her and you still didn't think to say ‘oh, by the way, I've fucked her'?"

      "I thought you knew.  If I'd said that, it would have been redundant."

      "Did you mention to her that we were fucking?"

      "It happened before you even kissed me."

      "Oh." I heard him huff.  "I want you to trust me enough to know you don't have to keep secrets from me."

      "I know."

      He waited a long time.  "I'll let you go to bed. Call me soon, okay?"

      "You know I will."

      "Good night."

      "Night."  I hung up and went to bed. My mind raced with thoughts.  I didn't know if I believed him when he said he wasn't angry, but his reaction had been far more subdued than most.  Without so much as a passive aggressive comment, I hardly knew where to categorize his reaction.

§§§§§




      Though Mr. Hinkle extended the trip to the full four weeks, the time passed quickly.  I hardly got to talk to Wolf or anyone, but when I did, I asked about Frick.  Though the subject still hadn't been breeched, Wolf admitted to seeing the pair holding hands once when they thought no one was around.

      Monday night, I had just arrived back in my room when my phone rang.  I barely had time to kick the door closed as I answered it.  "Hello."

      "How's it going?" Wolf asked.

      "Not bad.  Little tired. How about you?"

      "Pretty good, actually."

      "Good, huh?"

      "Yeah, we talked to Frick yesterday."

      "How did that go?"

      "Pretty good.  Awkward, but with a good outcome."  He smirked.  "And then at work today they took me off the probationary period and gave me a raise."

      "Sweet."

      "Yes it is."

      "Is everyone as okay with this Frick thing as you?  I mean, you said you talked, but are you sure?"

      "Oh yeah.  It's not a problem.  Frick seemed much happier at rehearsal tonight than he has in a while."

      "And Reno?"

      Wolf sounded surprised. "Reno went back to New York, didn't I mention it?"

      "No. When?"

      "I guess it was almost two weeks ago."

      "You talked about him like he was still there."

      "Frick talked about him like he was still here, too.  I guess it rubbed off."

      "What's going to happen with them so far apart?"

      "Don't know, but Frick made it very clear he wasn't leaving us."

      "Do you think he wanted to?"

      Wolf hesitated.  "I don't actually know."

      "Because you wouldn't want him to resent the band for not letting him have a personal life."

      "You know, I told him that.  I actually said that he couldn't let us stand in his way, but he said he wouldn't go to New York so I guess it's for him and Reno to work out."

      "He'll figure it out."

      Wolf sent only silence through his end of the line for several seconds before I heard him take a deep breath.  "So, you'll be home in 4 days, right?"

      "Yeah. The flight comes in Friday at 11:37 pm."

      "Pretty late."

      "It is.  Of course, I've adjusted to this time zone so now it's going to feel like 9:30."  I chuckled.  He didn't chuckle back.  I heard his breathing change as though he were moving around. "I'll let you go.  It's getting late here and I'm a little tired."

      "What are you wearing?" he asked suddenly.

      His tone was so flat, I didn't think of it as suggestive and simply said, "Blue shirt, black pants."

      "The bright blue one that looks kind of oriental?"

      "Yes."

      "I like that shirt," he said softly. "What's the hotel room like?"

      Smiling, I took a drink and cleared my throat.  Making my voice a softer, deeper version of itself, I said, "Typical room. One double bed, table, two chairs."

      "Ugly curtains that are thick and make the room dark?"

      "Yeah," I said.

      "Close them."

      I obeyed.  "Lights?"

      "No. Sit on the table."

      "What?"

      "Sit up on the table," he said.

      "Don't you think the bed would be more comfortable?"

      "God, you're impossible," he said, smirking.  "Just do as I say."  He said the final sentence with such force, I sat on the table.

      "Done."

      "Shhh.  You can't talk.  I'm kissing you."

      "Mmm," I responded.

      "I'm kissing you and taking off your shirt," he said.  I removed my shirt and tossed it on the floor.  "I miss your lips," he half-whispered. I felt my heart skip a beat.  "Take off your bra, too," he said, almost disinterested. 

      I heard a rustling in the phone as I took off my bra.  "I'm taking off your shirt…" I began, but he interrupted me with a grunt, then a clearing of his throat.

      "Let's pretend I've grabbed your arms and I'm pinning them behind you.  You can't do anything to me, okay?"

      I furrowed my brow, letting him narrate as I followed his commands. 

      "Touch your breast," he commanded.  "Caress it slowly."  All the while, I could hear his breathing change.  "Put your fingers in your mouth.  Get them really wet and then pinch your nipple."  I wanted to drop the phone, but knew it was too important to what I began to feel.  "Now you can take off your pants." I had the button undone and was tugging down the zipper when I heard his voice come softly through the phone.  "…your naked body…" were the only words I caught.  I pushed my pants and panties down, then kicked them aside.  "Is that everything?"

      "Yeah," I breathed.

      "Spread your legs for me, Charlie," he muttered in a hushed tone.  "Touch it softly.  Just outside."  I swallowed, my mouth filling with anticipation.  "Run it up the inside of your thigh.  Massage your thighs and say my name."

      My voice caught in my throat and it took a moment before I could speak.  "Wolf," I said simply.

      "My tongue is in your mouth.  Can you feel it?"

      "Mmhmm."

      Wolf moaned in a way that closed the miles.  I could almost feel his breath in my ear.  "Touch yourself wherever I kiss you, okay?"

      "Mmm," I responded, touching my lips.

      "I'd like to be working my way down your neck, behind your ear.  I want to be licking that tattoo on your shoulder and sucking your breast. You're too far away."

      "I'm right here," I huffed.

      "Lick your fingers again."  I obeyed. "Put your wet fingers against your clit.  Press it.  They're my fingers.  Rub them over it." I heard his breath quickening and felt my heart racing.  "Take three fingers and slide them down.  Don't go in.  Just put them there." I wished I could touch him. "If I touch your skin, would it burn me?"

      "I'm hot.  My skin is very hot."

      "My cock slides in slowly, very deep.  I'm deeper than I've ever been and I hold myself there."  I can't catch my breath.  "I lick your lips and then I breathe into your ear."

      "Fuck me," I beg.

      "I slide out slowly and rest just there on the edge.  I bite your neck." He's quiet a moment.  "Do you want to buck your hips against me?"

      "I don't know if I can stop myself," I whisper.

      I can only hear his breathing until he says, "Do it, then, but only once, no twice, then I fuck you.  I'm fucking you hard, deep.  Fucking you, fucking you," he repeated more quietly each time until I couldn't hear it anymore.  I got so lightheaded I had to lean back against the wall.  "Faster now," he said and I followed the instruction with my fingers, my eyes closed as my body filled with heat, nerve endings, and sex. I felt outside of myself as I moaned and gasped, working hard as I heard him moan into the phone.  My mouth dropped open, my lips felt dry.  I groaned loudly as I climaxed, huffing as my body pulsated against my fingers.  "Keep going," he instructed.  I did even as I heard him grunt, then let out a low growl.  "Fucking you," he breathed and even though I could tell from the sound he made that he had come, I kept pressing inside myself.  "Mmm," he moaned.  "I don't want it to stop."

      "I miss you," I said, then immediately regretted it because I knew that we had kept a certain distance for a purpose.  I slid my fingers out and shifted, trying to get comfortable while I waited for my dizziness to pass.

      "I wish you were here, Charlie.  I love you." Click.

      "What?"  I barely had time to process the words but already he had hung up.  I didn't want to believe it.  "Wolf?" I said with demand.  I pulled the phone from my ear and watched as it flashed the number of minutes the call had lasted.  It didn't tell me that the call had been dropped or give any other excuse for ending the call.  I stared for a moment before touching the button to redial.  It rang and rang.  I thought I might go crazy.  I felt like an accident victim still in shock and unable to process the reality; blacking out the actual moment of impact.  I called again and let it ring until the rings sounded like Wolf's voice and began to say "I love you" in my ear again.  I shook away the voice and hung up the phone.  That night I lay in the rented bed with my eyes wide open.

§§§§§




      When I arrived to work the next morning, Mr. Hinkle stared at me for several moments.  I offered him an obligatory smile.  "I didn't sleep much last night."

      He nodded.  "Let's get to work, shall we?"

      I agreed and threw myself into the job.  When lunchtime came, I called Wolf's cell phone.  Of course, I was very surprised when Frick answered Wolf's cell phone.  "Hey, Charlie.  How's it going there?"

      "Fine."  He sounded as though it was his phone.  I took mine from my ear and looked to make sure I had called the right number.  "Is Wolf around?"

      "Uh, no." Frick replied.

      "Did he leave his phone at home?"

      "Actually, he asked me to bring it to work with me today."

      "Did he tell you why?"

      Frick hesitated.  "Yeah, he did."

      "Why?"

      "Let's just say he wants me to get his messages today, okay?"

      I felt deflated.  "It's all right, Frick.  Tell him it's okay.  Tell him that I know he didn't mean it.  I just want him to know that it doesn't matter.  Can you explain that to him?" Frick didn't answer so I tried again.  "I'm not going to be upset.  I knew right away that he didn't mean it."

      "He's confused, Charlie," he said with an odd tone I couldn't place.

      "But I'm not reading anything into it.  I'm not going to hold him to it.  Just tell him that.  Please, just tell him that things are exactly the same as they were yesterday morning."

      "I've got to get back to work.  I'm going to get in trouble if I stay on much longer."

      "Right.  Sorry.  I'll see you all in a few days."

      "Bye," Frick said as he hung up.

      I stared at the phone.
§§§§§




      I had three days to think things over.  I spent it convincing myself that I believed what I had told Frick.  It meant nothing.  It was a post-coital ramble.  Meaningless.  I had myself completely converted to the idea, yet when I stepped off the plane and headed for the baggage claim, a small part inside of me grew hopeful that I'd see his familiar face waiting.  It seemed the baggage carousel took forever to begin moving and it felt an eternity as the bags slid onto it one by one.  Most people had their bags and were gone before I finally saw mine slide down the chute and rotate toward me.  I threw my carryon backpack over my shoulder as I grabbed my bag and headed for the doors.  Just as I lifted my hand to flag a cab, I heard my name called out.  I looked up.  Wolf jogged across the parking lot toward me.  As he got to the street between us, he stopped suddenly.  I could only watch him as he seemed to be taking me in for the first time, his eyes roaming my body as he tried to catch his breath.  I waited for him to cross and come to me, but he didn't.  He met my gaze and just stared.

      "What are you doing?" I finally yelled across the distance.

      He licked his lips and straightened.  "I meant it." He responded.  His voice carried just loud enough for me to be sure of what he had said.

      "Then why are you standing over there?"

      His face went blank, but he didn't move. 

      I waited for a car to pass, then crossed to him.  "Then why are you standing over here?" I asked again.

      He shrugged.  "I don't know what to do with it."

      "With what?"

      He furrowed his brow.  "Now that I know I meant it, I don't know what to do with it."

      "This can't be new to you."

      He shrugged.  "I don't like what happens when I start to care this much for one person."

      "So you thought fucking groupies would solve the problem?"

      "Well, yeah." He lowered his head and rubbed his temple.  "And I'm not saying you've changed me, made me see the light.  It's just so easy to want a moment or two, to want one night, one fuck, maybe two if she was nice, but with you I just kept wanting more."

      "So we're fine where we are.  I'm not complaining, am I?"

      He looked into my eyes as though searching for a phrase.  I saw him bite at his lower lip a moment before he let out a long breath. "The other night, the guys and I were talking.  Sir Gay dumped Marie. Did you know that?"

      I shook my head.

      "Or she dumped him.  We're not very clear on that.  He said that Marie was starting to push him to quit them band.  She didn't want him to have a life outside of them and she started trying to tell him how he felt, how he should think, how he should behave.  She didn't respect him, you know?  And then Peter said that it wasn't just that Carla cheated, it was that she didn't respect him.  She didn't support him.  The whole time I just couldn't help putting you in that place and thinking that you not only respect me, you support the band.  It's not just the sex, Charlie.  You don't  ask me to be someone else and when we disagree, you don't expect me to change."

      "Well, you don't expect me to change either, do you?'

      "Of course not, but I realized it was because I love you the way you are."

      "Wow," was the only sound I could manage.

      "But the problem is, I don't know if I want this.  I don't know if I want there to be an us.  I just know that I meant what I said.  I hung up because I was surprised.  I mean, I've taken every precaution to keep from falling for someone again.  You and I were just fucking, you know?  How did it happen?"

      "Doesn't really matter.  Have you noticed yet that it's not like I'm asking you to examine this?  I don't want you to think that your declaration wasn't important, but I'm not asking for an examination of our relationship.  I just wanted to know, I suppose, if it was true."

      "It is true." He straightened. "So what do we do?"

      "I thought it was an impressive gesture that you stopped sleeping with every girl to make eye contact."

      He chuckled.  "Be serious."

      "I am being serious.  I think what we have is really good. Let's just keep doing that."

      He smiled a moment, then put his arms around me and kissed me hard.  When he stepped back, I lifted my bags with a sigh.  "So, do I have to call a cab or what?"

      He took one of them from me.  "I brought the van," he said as he tipped his head toward the lot and led the way.

      I watched him open the door at the back, taking a moment to absorb his movement when he threw my bag inside.  Turning, he took the other bag and placed it to the side while glancing at me with a look in his eyes.  I smiled and climbed into the back of the van.  He climbed in after me and pulled the door closed.  I lounged back, resting my head and shoulders on the back of the driver's seat while he crawled up and straddled one thigh.  "So, with all that distance, did you meet anyone hotter than me?" he asked solemnly with a glint in his eye.

      I smiled, resting my hands on my stomach.  "Yes." I saw the disappointment I had hoped for breeze across his face, though quickly hidden.  "But none half as talented." I chuckled.

      Wolf frowned pantomimic. 

      "What I'd like to know is if you missed me."

      He leaned close, kissing my lips.  "I missed your lips," he breathed.  "I missed your eyes." I closed my eyes as he brushed his lips across the lashes.  Running his hands into my hair, I felt his breath on my ear.  "I missed your hair." He buried his face into my neck, smelling.  He kissed my neck.

      As his hand moved up under my shirt, cupping my breast, he savoured my lips.  I felt teeth and tongue exploring every minute detail until he moved back.  I watched him crawl to the back of the van.  He grabbed my legs and pulled me toward him, my shirt gathering under my arms.  I shifted along, resting my head gently on the floor and putting my hands above me.  In a moment, he was back over me, kissing me while he undid my pants.  Curling his fingers in my waistband, he shifted.  Hovering over my abdomen, he said, "Sometimes I wish you wore more skirts."

      I chuckled, then he kissed my stomach.  He worked my pants down as his lips touched my lower rib cage, my tummy, the indentation of my belly button.  I bent my knees up around him. When he knelt again, he undid his pants and worked them quickly to his knees, then to his calves. In an instant, he had put on his protection and looked at me. I bit my lower lip, looking at him seductively as he wrapped his arm around my knee.  Grabbing the other knee, he smoothly shifted over me again.  My knees pressed just outside his shoulders, my shins secured by his arms.  I felt scrunched for only a moment before I looked into his eyes and forgot about it.

      The angle at which he entered me caused my body to react instantaneously.  He grasped my shoulder, pulling me toward him as he shoved into me.  I felt embraced by him, almost enveloped. I closed my eyes and came so fast it surprised even myself.  As I climaxed, Wolf moved faster and faster until our skin slapped against each other. I heard him getting breathless before he shifted my legs around his hips. I held them tight around him, bringing my hips to meet his hard and rubbing his back slowly.  I enjoyed the feeling of him in me and opened my eyes to watch him. I took in the expression on his face, his eyes closed, his mouth hanging slightly open, his hot breath when he leaned down to kiss me.  He moaned a vibration into my mouth and I kissed him back harder.  Supporting himself with one hand, he moved his other hand to my breast, massaging it as he kissed my neck.  I stretched my hands further around his back, pulling at his shirt. His hand slid along my arm, taking it from his back until he held my hand.  I held his shoulder with my other hand.  Finally he grit his teeth and came, his face red and tense, then relieved as he made a number of loud sounds.

      He kissed my lips again, laying his body beside mine. He lay there for several seconds, his leg still over me as he played with my hair, looking at me. "I came from a rehearsal.  You want to go back there and say hi to the guys?"

      I stretched a little and raised my head.  "I'll see them soon.  We caught our first flight early and I'm feeling pretty tired."

      He nodded and got to his knees, cleaning himself up with a spare shirt that had been tucked under one of the seats while I struggled back into my pants.  He climbed into the driver's seat as I straightened my shirt and made my way into the passenger seat.  I looked at him and he grinned before he started the engine.

§§§§§




      Wolf called Peter to tell him that he would not be returning to rehearsals and he didn't go home that night.  Mr. Hinkle had offered me a day to recuperate on the plane.  I told him no, but the next morning, I called him to take him up on his offer.  Wolf feigned weakness and attempted to sound as ill as possible when he called his job to tell them he wouldn't be coming in.  We spent most of the day in bed.

      Over the next couple of weeks, my mind played over so many things.  Knowing how he felt about me, I started to let myself process how I felt about him. Though I didn't reach a definite conclusion, I knew that I did care for him a lot.  I couldn't say that I loved him and in the end I found myself nearly as confused as in the beginning.

      He and I spent a lot of extra time together looking at apartments.  He insisted that he would value my opinion so I agreed to go with him on many occasions. We found ourselves in my bed every night whether we had sex or not and all the late nights made me feel more and more exhausted.  Some mornings I could barely get out of bed and much of the day I would feel shaky.

      Finally I decided I had to get some rest so I called Wolf from work.  "You remember the apartment you wanted to look at tonight at 5?"

      "Yeah," he said.

      "I don't think I can go."

      "Why not?"

      "I'm really tired.  I've got to get some rest."

      "Oh come on.  It will only take a few minutes."

      "No, I really need to go home.  I can barely think.  My hands are twitching."

      "I'll pick you up, we'll go really quick, then I'll take you home, I promise," he pressed.

      "You can look at one place by yourself, can't you?"

      He chuckled.  "Of course I can, but it's been fun."

      I sighed.  "Okay, you promise to let me go home and sleep after that?"

      "Scouts honor."

      "Dear God, if you were a scout, we're really in trouble."

      He laughed.  "I'll pick you up after work."

      "All right," I finally agreed.  As I hung up, I yawned and immediately regretted my decision.  My exhaustion had even upset my stomach so that I couldn't finish my lunch.  I went back to work instead so that I could leave a little early.

      The large apartment had two bedrooms, dark brown carpet, and white walls with stains. The kitchen floor had been left with linoleum and years of scars. I stood in the smaller of the bedrooms when he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my abdomen. "This place is a lot bigger than the others you've looked at.  Are you sure it's in your price range?"

      "Well, it needs a little work." He pointed to the window.  "Also, the train runs right past here. It would be a little noisy, but since it's so close to the station, it would be convenient."

      I thought of him riding his cycle in the snow and nodded with a slight grin.  "You could put some of your instruments in here," I suggested, waving to the room.  I could hear the landlord pacing around the kitchen.

      He kissed my neck and nodded.  "And still have room for an office."

      I furrowed my brow without turning. "You need an office?" I asked.

      "For you."

      I turned at that, moving a step away from him.

      "Move in with me," he said, barely grinning.

      "I like my apartment."

      "I know, but this place is nice too, isn't it?"

      "Yes," I responded, shaking my head.

      "So move in with me."

      I folded my arms in front of me.  "Why didn't you ask me before we got here?" I said, slightly hushed.

      Wolf shrugged.  "I just thought of it."

      "You don't ask someone to move in on a whim."

      "You do if it feels right when you think about it."

      "I thought we decided nothing would change." I shifted.

      He cocked his head.  "Except that we'll be living together."

      I thought a moment, then dropped my arms.  "Can I think about it?"

      He nodded. I turned, looking around the room as he left.  I stepped out into the hallway and took in a deep breath.  It seemed like a nice place that really did only need a little work and I didn't object to the thought of moving.  My head kept saying that it would not work out.  My gut feared taking the chance.  I heard Wolf in the kitchen.

      "I like it a lot," he said.

      "I heard her saying something about instruments.  We have strict rules about noise and…"

      "Oh don't worry.  We have another place where we rehearse.  I would just be storing some of them here."

      "You'd be responsible for any damage if you're moving big things in and out of here.  I'd need a security deposit as well as first and last month."

      Wolf huffed.  "Okay."  I heard a paper rustling.  "I brought the credit report you asked for."

      "So you want to take it?"

      I heard nothing so I turned into the kitchen.  The landlord looked at the paper Wolf had brought carefully then picked up a clipboard from the counter. "Fill this out, and sign the second page at the bottom.  I'll review the information and let you know."

      "How soon, do you think?" Wolf asked.

      "I can let you know by tomorrow.  If everything looks good, can you move in immediately?"

      Wolf nodded.  The landlord smiled a little, glanced at me, then led us out.  As soon as we left the building, Wolf smirked.  "He's got strict rules, but the place has stains and chipped paint everywhere. Seems kind of odd, doesn't it?"

      I smiled.  I had been thinking the same thing.

      We rode the motorcycle to my apartment in silence.  Talking over the noise would have been difficult anyway, but I found myself thankful for it.  When we arrived, he turned to me.  "Have you thought about it?"

      I shook my head.

      He climbed off and took the helmet from me.  "I should get another one so we can each have our own," he commented quietly as we started up the stairs together.  On the second landing, I finally thought of what to say.  "I'm just not sure it's a good idea, Wolf.  I don't want to rush into anything.  What happens if it doesn't work out?"

      He chuckled, starting the next flight as I followed.  "I was a little more worried about what will happen if it does work."

      "Exactly.  We're content where we are.  Why mess with it?"

      He stopped, turning as I moved onto the step beside him.  "I just like the idea of coming home to you and sleeping in the same bed with you."

      "We do that now."

      "Every single night."  He looked down as a thoughtful expression crossed his face.  He started up the stairs again.  "I just like the idea, that's all.  If it doesn't sound good to you, then we won't do it."

      Neither of us said anything as we finished the ascent.  Walking along the hall, he chuckled suddenly.  I perked my ears to hear what he found amusing.  "You could sleep in an extra ten minutes every morning."  He turned to face me.  "See?  It's practical."

      I smiled at him a moment.  I could see him waiting for me to give some sort of response, but I reached past him and unlocked the door. I turned to him and he frowned.  "Guess you want to sleep now, don't you?" I nodded.  He sighed.  After a moment, he smiled at me.  "There's a rehearsal tomorrow night.  Promise me you'll stop by."

      I nodded again before I went inside.  He turned to leave as I closed the door.

      The next night, I arrived before anyone else.  Wolf rode up next and let me inside.  We didn't speak all the way up the stairs.  On the couch, we faced each other, not kissing.  We felt the tension of not kissing so I grabbed two beers and handed him one.  "This is the problem.  Now that you've asked, it's out there.  Now if I say that I don't want to move in with you, it will always be in the air between us."

      He frowned pensively at the bottle before taking a long drink without looking at me.  Still seeming to examine the label, he set it on his lap.  "Can I ask you something?"

      "Of course."

      He pursed his lips and I imagined him searching for the right words.  "If Peter had kissed you, would you be sitting here with him?"

      I physically flinched, confused.  "What?"

      He met my gaze. "Did you ever see me differently?"

      "I'm not sure I can answer that," I breathed, looking away. He said nothing so I lifted my chin.  "That's not what happened, is it?  I mean, it was you."  I paused.  "Did Peter say something?"

      Wolf leaned forward.  "This idea works just as well with Sir Gay.  Anyone could have hit on you and you would have just fallen into bed."

      I stiffened. "And what about you?  Every week you would pick the sexiest of all those girls screaming at the stage and take her home. The first time you have a little slump, you fuck the nearest thing standing."

      "That's not true and you know it."

      My hackles were up.  "Do I?  Since I met you, you've been playing every woman in sight, then you've got a week or two without someone drooling all over you and…"

      He slapped the back of the couch.  "They still wanted me!" He lowered his head and rubbed his forehead.  "It's just that I had already started to think about you." I pursed my lips, unable to respond.  The tension which had been building still hung in the air until he looked to me again.  "But you never once thought about me, did you?"

      I shrugged.  "Does it matter?"

      "It does to me."

      I licked my lips.  "When this started, it felt so spontaneous.  It was just a fling. I thought that's what you wanted."

      "It was at the time.  Now it's changed."  He looked as though he wanted to read my expression, but I felt blank.  "Hasn't it changed for you?"

      "I don't know, Wolf.  I don't know how I feel.  We were having a good time."

      He cleared his throat.  "Is that why you don't want to move in with me?  Because this is still just a fling to you?"

      I wanted to say yes, but my brain would not make it that simple.  "I like spending time with you.  I care about you and I don't really want that to stop.  It's just that moving in together is a big step and that's what it should be; a step.  You just asked me to move in because you want us to spend more time together."  I paused for a deep breath.  "The sex is great, but what else do we really have?"

      He looked hurt, but he hid it well.  "Here I thought we had something going," he scoffed.  "I think you're smart and I think we have good conversations.  I thought I was falling for you, but now I think I may have been mistaken." His eyes penetrated me.  "And there's no point in going on if I was mistaken, is there?"

      I felt split in two, a little broken by the beating of his words.  Processing them in my mind, a void opened up in me and I realized that losing him would be losing something important to me.  Was that love?  Each time I thought I felt love before, it had been different because the people were different.  I knew I had to figure out if the feeling I had was what love with Wolf would be like.  I stood slowly and started down the ladder.  He said nothing to stop me, though I vaguely hoped he would.

      Halfway down the stairs, I passed Frick, but my mind was so blurred I barely registered it.  I may have missed him completely if he hadn't touched my arm.  "Leaving before the rehearsal?"

      I know I faced him, but I couldn't see. My brain had turned off, the automatic response being the only thing I could manage.  "I have to go," I said and started down the steps again.

      "Charlie?" he said after me.  I heard it, but I just couldn't stop making my escape.

      I made it home and onto my couch before I started to cry.  Overwhelmed and empty, I buried my face in my hands and let the tears come. Sometimes I felt so numb and disabled by emotions that I couldn't manage anything else.  I hadn't cried so hard for such a long time, I couldn't remember the reason for the last.  I couldn't stop the tears as I tried to sooth myself with a long hot shower, nor could I stop them when I climbed into bed.

      The next morning I found my body weak and my stomach upset.  I could not face the world, let alone my job so I made up an excuse about having caught the flu and stayed in bed.  Throughout the day, I went through stages of crying and determination.  I couldn't believe what I mess I had let myself become over a relationship that I had not even been able to classify as one.

      Later in the afternoon, the phone rang, but I refused to answer it.  When it rang again and again every ten minutes, I picked up the phone and looked at the caller ID.  Seeing Frick's name and number, I answered it tentatively.  "Hello?" I croaked.

      "Charlie?"

      "Yes."

      "How are you?" Frick sounded as though he dreaded the response.

      "Fine," I said.

      He seemed to wait for me to say more before he spoke again.  "Wolf told us what happened."

      "He has a big mouth," I responded coldly, laying back in the bed and pulling the covers over my shoulder.

      "He does when he's drunk." Frick sighed.  "So are you really okay?"

      "What do you want me to say?  You were right?  Things went to hell and now things are going to be fucked up?" I mumbled.

      "No, Charlie.  Things are different now.  We were all hoping that you guys might actually make it."

      "Well, we didn't," I snapped.

      "Do you love him?" Frick asked suddenly.

      I closed my eyes.  "I don't know," I whispered.

      "He loves you." Frick spoke quietly and sounded defeated.

      I felt a tear come to my eye.  "It's none of your business, Frick," I managed after a moment.

      "It is.  I want to see Wolf happy."

      The tear threatened to leave my eye so I wiped it.  "I'm sure he'll fuck the pain away." My voice came out more gargled and vulnerable than I wanted, so I hung up quickly.  I hoped Frick wouldn't hear the pain.  I wanted him to tell Wolf that I didn't miss him.  I wanted him to say that I sounded just fine without him, but I knew that I had given myself away.

§§§§§




      At work the next day, I sat behind my computer doing basic data entry of some information Mr. Hinkle needed to calculate.  The secretary had gone home sick so I was left to answer the phones and fill in her position as well.  Most employees vacated during the lunch hour so calls rarely came in.  When it did ring, I jumped, startled.  "Hinkle Printing," I answered in a lackluster tone.

      "Is Grant available?" came his wife's sweet voice.

      "No, Mrs. Hinkle.  He had a meeting over lunch today.  Should I forward you to his cell phone?"

      "No," she said.  "I just wanted to chat.  Would you tell him I called?"

      "Certainly," I replied, then hung up.  I grabbed for the message pad so that I wouldn't forget to tell him.  I filled out the boxes telling who had called and for whom, then I glanced at the bottom of the computer screen for the time and date.  As I wrote the numbers between slashes, I froze.  Something which had niggled the back of my mind had been forced to the front.  I scribbled a note saying that Mrs. Hinkle had just wanted to chat, then pushed the notebook aside.

      The rest of the day ticked by second by second in excruciating length.  I couldn't keep my mind straight on any subject except to deny the possibilities of what could be true.  On the way home, I stopped at the grocery store.

      Standing in the aisle amongst the feminine hygiene products and condoms, I felt a sick joke being played. I stared at the little rectangular boxes and in the end I grabbed the pink and white one; the one that just looked negative.  I paid and went home.

      Sitting on the toilet reading the instructions, my hands trembled.  It advised waiting until morning, but I knew I wouldn't sleep and that morning was an eternity away.  In the end, I decided to take my chances.

      I left the little piece of white plastic and the box on the edge of the counter.  I paced for a few second, then decided to go into the kitchen to set the timer on my oven.  I turned the little dial, then started cleaning.  There weren't many things on the counter, but I rearranged the canisters and moved my coffee mug into the sink.  I looked at the timer, but only a minute had passed.

      Then I heard the knock on the door.  I jumped at the sound of it.  Approaching it as though the grim reaper was on the other side, I looked through the peephole.  My heart skipped a beat out of excitement or fear, I could never have decided.  I couldn't open it, so I stood there.  The knock pounded again and I realized I hadn't taken a breath for several seconds.  Lightheaded, I could hear my breath in the silence.  Shakily, I opened the door.  I knew I had to look completely calm, but I may have overcompensated considering the situation.  "Oh, hey," I said almost cheerily.

      Wolf pushed his way inside.  "We need to talk."

      "Oh, now is not a good time.  Definitely not a good time," I said, swallowing hard.

      He frowned.  "Are you okay?"

      I nodded.

      "You're acting strange," he remarked, moving toward the couch.

      "No, no.  I was just cleaning."

      He glanced around.  "It's clean."

      I cleared my throat.  "I agree.  We need to talk.  It's just that it's not a good time.  Can we do it later?"

      The timer on the oven went off at that moment, the last few minutes flying by.  Nervously, I bolted into the kitchen to turn it off. When I turned, I found Wolf behind me. "Cooking?" he asked. I nodded.  He looked over my shoulder.  "It's not on."

      I blinked.  "I really think you should go," I said.  Suddenly I wondered if making the test sit on the counter for too long might change the results.  I wished for a moment that I had finished reading the instructions or not answered the door.

      "I'm not leaving until we talk," he said.

      I rubbed my temple.  "Well, then, I uh…" I huffed.  "Can you excuse me a minute?" I said.  He nodded and sat on the couch. 

      Assessing that he looked comfortable, I made my way back into the bathroom and closed the door.  Breathlessly I wondered if it was good that he sat there just in case I had news for him.  I thought of the news and started to shake again.  Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath, then walked to the counter. I looked at the stick.  I couldn't think.  "It's all a big scare," I said to myself. "It's just to scare me."

      I did not know how long I had been standing there when the door swung open.  At the first sound, I spun and put my hand on the items behind me.

      "Everything okay?" Wolf asked.

      I felt something slip from my fingers so I grabbed for it.  The instant the box hit the ground, I stepped on it.  When I looked up, I could see from Wolf's expression of shock that I hadn't been quick enough.

      We stood in silence a moment before he spoke.  "What…" he choked, then looked into my eyes.  "What does it say?"

      I swallowed back the lump in my throat. I couldn't answer for a moment so I took the stick from behind my back.  "Don't you think that a plus sign could mean positively not… pregnant?" I mumbled.

      He grabbed the stick from my hand and looked at it. "What are you going to do?" he asked, humbled.

      I rubbed my temple, trying to stick my fingers into my brain.  "I had all my hopes pinned on not having to figure that out," I said.

      "We were always careful." He pursed his lips.  "Did you forget to take your birth control?"

      "I get those injections and I never miss it." I straightened.  "I don't know how this could have happened."

      Wolf stood there quietly for a moment. "You've only been back in town a couple weeks."

      I cocked my head.  "So?"

      "Are you sure it's mine?"

      Without connection to my brain, my hand suddenly flew up and swiped across his face.  He put his hand to his jaw as I put my hand over my mouth, shocked by my own reaction.  The tears came again, but I didn't want him to see them so I pushed past him and into the bedroom.  I tried to close the door, but he blocked it with his hand.  "I'm sorry," he said.

      I turned away from him.  Lightheaded from the fear, anger, and tension I felt, I started toward the bed to sit down.  He grabbed my arm and tugged until I turned.  "It's okay," he said softly.

      I tried to hold back the tears, but they started down my cheeks at that moment.  I fell toward him, tucking my head into his chest.  When his arms wrapped around me, I thought maybe it would be okay.  I still trembled as he held me. We stood like that for a very long time before we moved in unison to the bed.  He still had an arm around me as we sat on it.  "I came here to fix things," he chuckled as though now it had become a joke.

      "I don't want to pretend things are okay just because of this," I said, leaning my head against his body.

      He let out a breath.  "Do you love me?" he asked. I looked up into his eyes.  He cocked his head. "Frick said that you told him you didn't know.  Is that true?"

      I nodded.

      He shrugged. "I thought maybe we should at least hang on until you figure it out." He brushed his hand over my hair.  "He pointed out that I shouldn't expect you to figure it out automatically just because I did."

      I didn't know why I couldn't make sense of my feelings.  Instantly they had become tied up with the thoughts of this thing inside me, growing, threatening both of us.  I wiped away another tear and let him continue to hold me.

§§§§§




      At the time, his words and promises seemed believable.  I wanted them to be true so badly, that I blocked out everything else.  When he stopped returning my phone calls, paranoia set in faster than the speed of light. I had to consider whether or not I could do it on my own.  I had to think of the possibility that he wouldn't be there.

      Though it had only been eight days since the last time I heard from him, it seemed like much more.  I had already consulted a doctor and spent two hours at the bookstore trying to choose just the right selection of material. I considered my options, though I couldn't bring myself to any conclusive decisions.

      I hadn't heard from the band, either, so I wondered what Wolf might have told them.

      He called on a Saturday afternoon and sounded as though it were any other day.  "Hey, how are you?"

      "Tired and nauseated," I responded with disdain.

      As though he hadn't heard me, he continued.  "Good.  Can I come pick you up?"

      "Pick me up?"

      "Yeah, I want to take you for a ride." He paused.  "I have the van."

      I blinked.  "I'm in no mood."

      "No, I mean so that you don't have to ride the motorcycle.  I'm outside," he added quickly.

      "Here?  You're already here?"

      "Yeah, are you dressed?"

      I thought a moment before letting out a breath.  "Yeah," I said finally.  He hung up and as I did the same, I fumed.  After so many days, he acted as though nothing had happened.  I wanted to scratch his eyes out or strangle him.  Just as I contemplated the realism of the thought, he knocked on the door.  I opened it.  "Where the hell have you been?" I snapped.

      He just smiled and held out a bouquet of flowers.  I stared at them.  "What are those?"

      "Flowers," he responded.  "Roses." He took in my blank expression before continuing. "Sometimes when someone likes someone else, they bring a gift.  It's a little cliché, I admit, but take them anyway."

      I folded my arms.  "You haven't been returning my calls."

      "I know," he said, glancing down the hall.  "We can talk about that later."

      "I think now is better.  Why haven't you been returning my calls?" I demanded.

      He sighed and stepped inside.  I watched him as he tossed the bouquet onto the counter.  "Let's just go for a little drive.  We'll talk in the van."

      "I don't really want to go anywhere with you, Wolf.  I'm kind of pissed off in case you hadn't noticed." He smirked which made me more furious.  "I'm glad I amuse you," I snapped.  "Get out."

      He shook his head, then touched my arm lightly.  I moved away from his touch.  When he let out a breath, he shifted so that I couldn't avoid looking into his eyes.  "I needed some time to think." He took a step closer.  "I thought you needed some time, too."

      I shrugged.  "Still don't know what to think," I breathed.

      "Well, I've thought a lot so do you want to go with me and see what I think?"

      "I'd rather hear it."  I narrowed my gaze.  "Then I'll go with you."

      He sighed deeply.  "I'm going back to school."  I felt quick annoyance, but he continued.  "I only had 6 classes left so I paid late registration.  I'll be done by the time the baby is born.  If you'll move in with me we can use that second bedroom for the crib."

      "Slow down," I interrupted.  He cocked his head and I lowered my chin, rubbing nervously at temple as I thought.  "I haven't decided what I want to do yet."

      "I thought about what you said, too.  Moving in should be a step. I don't just want you there so we can spend more time together. I'm not saying it's a step to something else, but it's a step for us to get closer."

      "It's not about that anymore," I said quietly.

      "This place is too small.  I just want you to know that there will be a place for both of you."

      I met his gaze.  "I'm not sure we'll need the space." I said flatly.

      He furrowed his brow.  My heart beat hard in my chest.

      "What do you mean?" he asked, but from the way he clenched his jaw, I could see that he knew what I meant.

      "I'm seriously considering the option…"

      He held up his hand suddenly and interrupted me.  "Don't finish it.  I don't want to hear it," he said softly.  Leaning on the nearest table, he looked me in the eye.  "Considering.  That means you haven't decided."

      I folded my arms. "I have a little more time to decide if I want an abortion," I said, watching his reaction for traces of anger.  Instead he looked, if I interpreted it correctly, a little afraid.

      We stood there in silence a moment before I slowly, reluctantly moved into the kitchen where I took a large plastic cup from the cupboard.  It said ZOO on the side as I had picked up the 32 oz. green cup as a souvenir years before.  I put water into it, very aware that he had followed and stood near me.  I refused to look at him as I watched the water fill the cup, then turned toward the counter with it.  "You come in here with all your ideas for some perfect life with you and me and a kid."  I lifted the bunch of flowers and looked at them as I held them between us.  "Do you think that you get to come in and turn my life upside-down because you've come up with this plan for you?"

      I noticed him bow his head so I turned back toward the counter and removed the plastic wrapping from the flowers.  "If you object to abortion on a moral basis, that's one thing.  Telling me what to do because you have a happy family scenario in your head is…"

      "I want a baby," he said so quickly I felt stunned.

      I stopped moving except to turn my head toward him.  "You?" I asked, failing in an attempt to disguise pure shock.

      "Why is everyone so surprised?" He shrugged.  "I thought I'd be older, but I always saw myself as a dad."

      I could only blink.

      "Is it really that crazy?" he asked.

      I turned back to the flowers, moving even more slowly now as I arranged them into one layer on the counter.  "It doesn't effect me," I said softly.

      He grabbed my hand then, and pulled me toward him so he could take my other hand.  "I'm not telling you what to do.  I just hope that my opinion has some sort of sway on your decision."

      I swallowed and furrowed my brow.  "When you said everyone's surprised, who did you mean?"

      He let go of my hands.  "Frick.  He's the only one I told."

      I considered that a moment, then nodded.  "Okay."

      He sighed.  "I didn't come here to change your mind or your life, Charlie.  I just wanted you to know your options."  He looked deep into my eyes.  "I wanted you to know what I want."

      I nodded slowly.  Eventually I managed to pull my thoughts together.  "Where were you planning to take me?" I asked.

      "My apartment."

      "Why?"

      He shrugged.  "I just fixed up the bedroom, that's all."

      I pondered that a moment.  "What do you mean by fixed it up?"

      He pursed his lips.  "I wanted to show you."

      Hesitantly, I finally agreed to go with him.  When we arrived at his apartment, I found he had repainted all the walls and replaced the carpet.  He led me to the hallway and waved me toward the spare room.  In it, he had chosen a grey tweed carpet and barely grey paint for the walls. The room had two boxes, but was otherwise bare. "You did all this work?" I asked.

      He nodded and led me into the master bedroom.  His bed sat off center and he walked to it.  I looked around to see a nightstand and dresser, both covered in candles burned to different heights.  A few clothes lay strewn on a chair and at the end of the bed.  "Did the work cost much?"

      He shrugged.  "My dad sells carpet and linoleum, you know?"

      "I didn't."

      Wolf chuckled.  "Oh.  Well, he does.  He's store manager at a little place downtown so he got me a deal.  The paint was cheap, too.  It just took a little work."

      I nodded.  He took a large step and wrapped his arms around me.  "Do you realize we never got to use my bed?" He smiled.

      I bit my lower lip.  "You can't be serious," I mumbled.

      He smirked.  "Are you still mad at me?"

      I sighed.  "Not particularly."

      "Then why not?"

      I shrugged with no excuse.  He looked at me a moment, then leaned down to kiss me.  I argued a little at first, but in the end we had sex anyway.  I tried not to think about anything else as he brushed my hair from my face while kissing me.

      When he lay me on the bed, I touched his bare arms and chest.  While I was on top of him, feeling him inside me, he lifted himself.  Licking my breasts as he ran his hands over my back, I came with a mellow feeling.  He kissed my lips again as we lay on the bed and he rolled me over so he could wrap his body around mine.  I felt his hand on my breast before it slipped down and rested on my abdomen, protectively.  His breath brushed my ear before he spoke.  "Did the doctor say when the baby will be born?"

      "Yes," I whispered, my eyes closed.

      "I calculated right after Thanksgiving.  A holiday baby."  He spoke softly as he ran his hand over my stomach.

      I opened my eyes.  "More like Halloween."

      He paused.  "Isn't that a little early?"

      "I'm seven weeks."  I cleared my throat.

      When he shifted over me to look at my face, I turned my head and met his gaze.  "You didn't notice for six weeks?"

      I pursed my lips.  "The injections throw me off schedule. I didn't realize."

      He moved his hand from me and sat up.  "You were pregnant when you left."

      "Only by a day or two," I scoffed.

      He nodded.  "We've got a show tonight.  I should go."  Quickly he rose and started to dress. 

      I didn't know what to say.  I tried to read his expression, but I couldn't tell if it was anger, resentment, sadness, or even pleasure. It could have been anything so I just watched him leave.

§§§§§




      We went to their show together later that night, though I found myself wandering the crowd alone as usual.  It took a little work to remember that I couldn't drink anything and a little more work to forget that I had already made so many mistakes as far as the shoulds and should nots of pregnancy went.

      I moved in and out of the crowd, watching Wolf and feeling something I didn't recognize.  While it felt good, I couldn't place it as anything typical.  He seemed to search me out from time to time and I seemed to beckon his presence.  My body felt whole, useful, and creative.  I thought of the life Wolf offered me and wondered if the reason I couldn't think of another argument was because there wasn't one.  I imagined telling him that I'd move in with him, packing my things into boxes, his kisses when one of us left for work. The thoughts made me smile. I feared most getting caught with blinders, yet I made my decision.

      Of course, the moment a person decides to embrace happiness, the world comes crashing down on them.

      When I stood at the bar ordering another soda to replace the alcohol I would not consume, I felt someone touch my shoulder.  I turned.  Shawnee smiled at me and I smiled back, though I had to force it onto my lips.

      "Charlie," she welcomed, putting an arm around my shoulder.

      I stepped away.  "Why do you bother?  We seem to end up arguing every time."

      She chuckled.  "I like it. It's feisty," she responded, grabbing my hand.  "Come.  Meet my friends."

      Reluctantly, I went along.  She introduced me to Anya, a vixen who believed in showing skin and Anya's boyfriend Craig.  She also named Lola, a pretty though slightly frumpy brunette, but we had met when Shawnee and I worked together at Totem.

      "Sit with us," Lola said almost seductively as she touched the barstool beside her.

      I glanced at the stage, then set down my drink and hopped onto the stool.

      "She's almost a celebrity," Shawnee yelled over the sound of the guitars running wild.  Anya looked most interested in an explanation.  "She knows the band," Shawnee explained.

      "Ah!" Lola exclaimed, leaning toward me.  "I've got a little crush on the lead singer," she admitted to me.

      I smiled.

      "Tell me," Shawnee began with an accusatory tone.  "Which ones have tried to get in your pants." I shot her a look of anger and for a moment, she looked genuinely surprised.  "I was just teasing you, but which one?"

      "None of them," I said quickly.

      Shawnee laughed and I could hear the inebriation in it.  "You can't lie to me," she said.  "I can tell from that look."

      "It's none of your business," I said, playing with the perspiration on my glass.

      Shawnee tapped her lip.  "Well, I know it's not the bassist or the drummer because both of them take home a different girl every week."  She looked to the stage a moment.  "I suspect it's not the singer," she added, winking at me.  "It must be the other guitarist."

      I shook my head, then leaned toward her.  After a moment's consideration, I let her in.  "Haven't you noticed the drummer has stopped taking girls home?"

      Shawnee furrowed her brow.  "Well, not as many as he used to, but I saw him leave with a sexy blonde a couple weeks ago."

      I stiffened.  "A couple weeks ago?"

      She cocked her head, thinking, then shrugged.  "No, it was about four weeks, I guess," she said, looking to Anya.  "It was the week your little friend came.  When was that?"

      Anya thought, then nodded.  "Yeah, it wasn't the last time we came here, it was the time before that so four weeks ago."

      I swallowed hard.  "Well, I hate to disappoint, but I haven't been running around with any of them.  We're just friends."

      Shawnee smiled.  "My mistake." 

      She touched my hand, but I pulled it away. "You'd get a lot more action if you went to Peppers," I said coldly.

      "We take turns, Anya, Lola, and I," Shawnee responded.  "Next week we'll all go to Peppers."  She paused.  "Does it bother you having a lesbian outside of her little world?" Her sarcasm didn't go unnoticed.

      I frowned.  "I just didn't think you'd like a place like this," I remarked, picking up my drink and getting off the stool.  "I should go," I added quickly as I left.  I thought of what they had said and moved across the club.  I only wished Shawnee stayed at the lesbian club across town because then she wouldn't have seen what she told me.  At the same time, I wanted to know the truth.  I mainly wished I hadn't heard it from her.

      The show ended and the boys started to gather their things to leave the stage.  As soon as Wolf stepped down, I met him.  He smiled.  "Hi," he said simply.

      My blank expression didn't change.  "Can we talk?"

      He nodded.  "Sure," he said.  He handed his drumsticks to Peter.  "I'll meet you guys in a second," he said.  Peter took them and nodded.  After looking for a quiet spot inside, Wolf and I eventually found ourselves outside the club and two buildings down.  He touched my arm.  "What's up?" he asked.

      I couldn't think of any other confrontational question so I spat out what I thought.  "Who was she?" I had absolutely no desire to know the answer, but he flinched and I knew it was true.

      "Who?"

      I felt betrayed by his game.  "I know you left with some sexy blonde a few weeks ago." He looked at me and I felt sure he was trying to think of his next lie.  "Don't lie to me.  That's the only thing that could make this worse."

      "You don't know her," he said after consideration.  "You were out of town."

      "I was out of town?  That's your reasoning?"

      He held up his hands.  "I told you that I hadn't been seeing any girls after you and I hooked up, but you said you didn't care.  You said you knew who I was when this started and you said you didn't want things to change."

      Slack-jawed only a moment, I collected myself and put a hand on one hip.  "You said you loved me.  Not two weeks after I came back you asked me to move in with you.  I didn't think we needed to have the cliché exclusive talk at that point."

      "We probably didn't, but that was after.  What about before you left?"

      I grit my teeth. I wanted to scream.  When he reached out and touched my shoulders gently, I moved away.  "Don't you dare."

      "Let me explain."

      "I don't want to hear it!" I snapped.  "I don't want to move in with you fearing that every time I walk through the door I could hear you having sex in our bed.  I could roll over and find a blonde hair!"

      "Nothing happened, Charlie!" he snapped.

      "I'm supposed to believe that?"

      He took a calming breath.  "I'll tell you exactly what happened if you listen."

      I folded my arms.  "Go ahead," I said coldly.

      "I left with her.  I admit that."

      "Where did you go?"

      "Her place."

      "What happened?"

      He shifted.  "We sat on her couch.  It was…"

      "What happened," I demanded firmly.

      When he licked his lips, I knew it was something.  I knew I looked fierce and unforgiving and I hoped he would be honest.  Finally he ran his hands through his hair.  "She kissed me." He rolled his eyes.  "We were just sitting on the couch and kissing.  Just a little.  Then I left."

      "Something happened between the kissing and the leaving that made you leave instead of fucking her."

      I watched him think a moment.  "I didn't like it."

      "You didn't like it?" I asked with the perfect level of disbelief.

      He looked away.  "Okay, I liked it, but it wasn't right."

      "Complete honesty, Wolf.  Nothing less."

      He met my gaze again.  "I touched her breast and I thought I didn't want to be touching her, I wanted to be touching you.  I didn't want to be kissing her, I wanted to be kissing you.  I pushed her away and told her I had to go." He looked suddenly more soft.  "I couldn't say the words to myself, but I knew then that I loved you because I've never wanted to turn down a fuck for someone else before. I mean, I did because I'm not the two-timing sort, but I never slept with someone once things got serious with someone else.  It was a test of willpower, but this time I thought I could have had sex, but I didn't really want to."

      "Why didn't you tell me about it?"

      "Look how mad you are."

      "You've been keeping a secret!  I had to find out from someone else."

      "Who?"

      I frowned.  "Doesn't matter."

      He let out a breath.  "Honestly I was ashamed.  I shouldn't even have flirted with her and I knew it.  I didn't want you to know I had even considered it because I knew I would never even consider it again."  He took a step toward me and touched my arms again.  "I'm sorry, but you won't even commit to moving in with me.  Why should I have thought it mattered to you?  I didn't think you'd care."

      I licked my lips.  "It's too soon for us to live together," I said softly.

      He kissed my lips.  Though I didn't return it, I accepted it and let it into my soul.  "I've got to go help the guys," he said.

      I nodded.  "I'm going to get a cab."

      "I'll take you…"

      "No.  I need some time to think," I interrupted.

      He nodded slowly.  "Call me tomorrow."

      I agreed and he went back into the club while I waited for a taxi to take me home.

§§§§§




      Though I didn't officially move in, more and more of my stuff found a place in Wolf's apartment.  If I left something there, I'd return to find it in a drawer or on top of a cabinet as though it belonged.  I didn't object and by the end of a week, I came home to his apartment and only went back to my own if I needed something I hadn't already brought. We washed our laundry together in the laundry room of his apartment and folded it together on the bed.  The day I accidentally called it our bed, I realized I lived there. The next weekend, we moved the rest of my things.

      I didn't tell Wolf then that I had not told the landlord I was leaving.  I had just paid rent for the month and figured it would give me a few weeks to decide.  I wanted to keep it for a few months just in case.  I didn't think Wolf needed to know it.

      I hadn't been to a rehearsal since I learned I was pregnant.  Most of the time I didn't feel up to it.  I only wanted to sleep and my body seemed only to want to vomit.  I felt a little better one night and also very trapped so I went with Wolf to a mid-week bitch session.  We sat above in the loft and I had bottled water as they drank beers.

      I started to feel warm, though my fingers were cold.  I put on my coat and started to leave.  Wolf straightened.  "Where are you going?" he asked.

      "I just need some fresh air," I said.

      He looked suspiciously a moment, then let me go.  I walked down the stairs slowly.  My body felt weak, but I had no excuse for it.  A moment later, Frick caught up with me.  "Hey," he said.

      "Hi."

      "Mind if I join you?"

      I shook my head.

      "I felt a little stuffy in there, too."  He half-smiled and we walked down together.  "Besides, we haven't had a chance to talk in a while."

      "Except when you called to lecture me about not moving in with Wolf."

      He laughed.  "Doesn't seem to be a problem anymore, does it?"

      I shook my head.  Outside, I walked to the courtyard and sat on the soft ground.

      "How do you feel?" he asked gently in that voice of pity.  I didn't let him know that I despised that sound.

      "Okay.  How are you?"

      "Fine."

      I looked at him as he sat beside me.  "I don't know how to ask, so I'm just going to say it." He raised his eyebrows.  "What happened to Reno?"

      He scoffed and sighed at the same time.  "Oh, Reno."  Looking off into space, I let him think.  Finally he looked at me again.  "Reno went back to New York."

      "I know.  Why?"

      "Because it's where he lives."

      "Did he ask you to go with him?"

      "I live here."

      "Oh, I just wondered if he asked," I breathed.

      "Not exactly."  Frick leaned forward and picked at the grass.

      I needed details.  "Either he did or he didn't."

      "He did not ask me to move to New York with him," Frick responded definitively.  I waited a moment as a smile crept onto his face.  "He offered to stay for me."

      I straightened.  "Then why didn't he?"

      "Complications."

      "What sort of complications?"

      He took in a long breath, then looked at the stars as he spoke.  "He would have stayed if I had asked him, but he wanted me to ask."  I watched his face glow a moment before he continued.  "You see, I've sort of had this distraction in my life for a few years.  Reno knew about it and he seemed sure I could get over it.  The thing is, I couldn't ask him to stay because I couldn't offer him anything.  Reno wanted me to offer it and I just couldn't."

      "Offer what?  A commitment?"

      He nodded.

      I furrowed my brow a moment.  "Why is that so hard these days?"

      "Maybe we fear missing out on better options."

      "Or maybe we just don't trust ourselves," I added.

      He raised and lowered his chin pensively.  "I didn't want him to give anything up for me."

      "But he was willing."  I turned my gaze to the night sky as well and had a thought.  I spoke it quickly.  "Unless you are afraid to give up something in return."

      "I have a bit of a crush on someone I shouldn't," he admitted.

      Curious, I leaned toward him.  "Shouldn't?"

      He pursed his lips.  "Maybe not shouldn't.  I just know it wouldn't work out."

      "How do you know unless you try?"

      "He's straight."

      I shrugged.  "Straight is subjective.  So was I until I fell in love with a woman."

      He smirked.  "Even if there was the most remote possibility, it wouldn't be a good idea."

      "Is love ever a good idea?  Seems to me it's just there to give an excuse to get your heart broken."

      Frick said nothing and I could think of nothing more.  We sat there for a very long time in silence.  Finally he folded his hands on his chest and spoke.  "Are the two of you ever planning to tell the others about the baby?"

      "I don't know.  I think if I start telling people, it will be real.  Too real." I lay back and placed one hand on my abdomen, the other on the ground.  "Do you think I'm being a pushover?"

      "About what?"

      I shrugged.  "Moving in, having the baby.  Everything.  I mean, Wolf and I keep disagreeing and in the end I feel like I just fold."

      He smirked which almost made me feel insulted.  "I think you need to trust yourself more."

      "It's him I don't know if I trust," I snapped.

      He looked at me.  "I think you should worry more about what you're doing than what he's doing."

      I pushed myself up on my elbows.  "What does that mean?" I knew I sounded hostile. "He's the one who went home with some other woman."

      "That's not what I'm talking about." He cocked his head.  "It's not what you're worried about either."

      "Then what am I worried about?"

      "I don't know. Wolf loves you, you know that. You said yourself that maybe you're worried about trusting yourself."

      "We were talking about you at the time."

      "Okay, so maybe some people can't trust themselves." He sighed as he moved to face me more, almost leering over me.  "He'd ask you to marry him if he wasn't afraid that it would scare you away.  He knows he has made mistakes, but all he wants is to be with you.  I know that all I get is his point of view, but I've known him a lot longer than you have.  I can say without a doubt in my mind that he would do almost anything for you.  It's just that every time he does, your quills come out.  Don't you love him?"

      I stared a moment.  "It's none of your business."

      "Well, at least you didn't say you didn't know again.  That insulted me, you know.  You know how you feel.  It bothers him that you haven't said it.  It bothered him that you wouldn't move in, but it happened accidentally, didn't it?  I just want you to know that what you say or don't say doesn't go unnoticed.  He just has too much pride to say it to you."

      I felt lectured and scolded.  I became warm with anger and resentment, but at the same time ashamed and broken hearted.  I sat up and folded my arms.  "It's been my experience that a guy will say or do anything to keep the sex going."

      Frick pulled back his lips and nodded.  "Sometimes that's true."

      "As soon as you reciprocate feelings, you're letting him know that he has control over you and that's usually when he starts to pull away."

      "Better to take your chances than end up alone, isn't it?"

      "And that's another thing.  Why is it better than being alone?  I don't mind being single.  You only answer to yourself and it's rarely a problem to find someone to take care of your base needs when you need them."

      Frick shook his head.  "If that's the way you want things to be, maybe it's better you don't tell Wolf how you feel."

      "Thank you."

      "Of course, now I'm back to thinking you two should break up.  I'd rather have you leave now than later.  The longer you take to rip off the Band-Aid, the more it hurts."

      I sighed.  "It's none of your business," I breathed.

      He scoffed as he stood.  "I should get back.  Are you coming?"

      I shook my head.  "Maybe in a little while." He accepted that and turned.  I sat straight.  "If love is so important to you, you should tell him you love him."

      "It will never happen," Frick said solemnly.

      "Why not?"

      Frick neared the corner when he would be out of range. "Because he's in love with you." Frick declared it casually without turning back to face me.

      Stunned, I stayed where I was.  I thought of following him, but I couldn't imagine a safe way for the conversation to continue.  Frick had resigned himself to the life he had and I did not feel able to interfere further.  I lay back and watched the stars for a long time as my nose began to feel numb. 

      My back ached and I felt nausea set in.  I took out my cell phone and called Wolf's.  He answered with surprise.  "Why are you calling me?"

      "I don't feel up to the stairs," I said.  "I'm sorry.  I feel sick.  Can you take me home?"

      "I'll be down in a minute," he said before hanging up.

      He must have been caught in conversation as it took him several minutes to arrive.  By then, my body ached so much I could barely move.  He helped me to my feet.  "I'm so tired," I said softly as we walked to his motorcycle.  He didn't ask which home as he took me to our new apartment.

      When we arrived, he helped me into bed as I stumbled around the room. "Are you okay?" he asked.

      I nodded slowly, though I didn't believe it.

      I heard him walking around the apartment for a few minutes as I lay on my side in bed.  I didn't want to tell him my worries, though I felt he should know.  I also didn't want to believe what Frick had said, though I knew it was true.  I lay there resigning myself to my feelings until he stepped quietly into the room.  I heard rustling, but I pretended not to notice.  When he climbed under the covers beside me, he touched me wish his bare legs.  His arm moved around me casually, though I allowed myself to interpret it as much more; comfort and support that I needed.  After a moment, I put my hand over his.

      "Are you sure you're okay?" he breathed into my ear.

      A tear built up in my eye until it rolled from the side of my eye into the pillow. "I didn't move in here because of the baby or because it was more convenient," I managed quietly.

      He moved his hand down to the bed and propped himself over me.  I leaned my shoulder back slightly to see his expression.  The way his lips barely moved into something that wasn't even a smile and the look in his eye made me think of the word appreciation.  I could see that he waited to hear more, but I rolled to my side again so I wouldn't have to see his face anymore.  "I drank beer."

      "When?"

      "On that trip and when I got back." I sighed.  "Before I knew, but that's not a good excuse.  I mean it's a sign I'm going to be a horrible mother."

      He bent down, kissed my cheek, then lay behind me again, returning his hand to mine.  "No you won't.  You didn't know."

      "But those early days are so formative."

      He brushed his hand over mine.  "You can't change anything.  You can only look forward," he said into my ear.

      I closed my eyes a moment, then brushed the dried tear from my face.  "I love you," I whispered.

      I felt him kiss the back of my neck and hug me close.  "I love you, too," he breathed.

§§§§§




      After the show the following Saturday, someone approached Frick about the band.  One of the companies where they had sent demos had finally sent someone to hear them play live.  He talked briefly with them about setting up a time to hear more and afterwards, all of the band members spent the night high without the benefit of weed.

      The paper featured them in an article relating to the possibility of a contract and I felt as giddy as they.  We went out together to buy copies of the paper for each.

      The next Saturday, the club burst at the seams, bulging with the life their music had taken.  After the show I stood with Wolf, rolling up the cords to the amps while he packed up his drums and the others took the first load of instruments to the van.  We heard a quiet knock and then the door opened.

      A beautiful woman with long, golden brown hair stepped into the room.  Her soft locks waved over her shoulders and down her back.  She barely smiled at me as I watched her voluptuous body take a few steps toward Wolf.  He turned.  I saw all expression vanish from his face.  "Monique," he breathed.

      "Hi, Wolf," she said. "I saw the article in the paper.  Congratulations."  She neared him with such familiarity that I stopped what I was doing to watch.

      "Thank you," he said, a coy smile making its way into his voice.

      "I hope you don't mind my coming."

      He shook his head, never taking his eyes from hers.  "No, of course not."

      She glanced over her shoulder at me and I realized I had been staring.  Immediately, I twirled the end of the cord into the bunch and leaned over to set it on the floor.  "I though maybe we could talk," she said, hushed, as she turned her attention on Wolf.

      He nodded.

      "Alone," she said quietly.

      Wolf cleared his throat as he looked at me sheepishly.  I stood, meeting his gaze a moment before he spoke.  "Can we have a second?" he said finally.

      Annoyed and a little curious, I agreed with trepidation.  I couldn't move for a moment and when I did, I walked from the room very slowly.  I closed the door behind me, then stood there.  After a few seconds, I saw Frick approaching followed by Sir Gay.  Peter was no where in sight.  I straightened and walked toward them, meeting them halfway. 

      Frick lit up when he saw me.  "Hey, I've got a surprise," he said, but I barely listened to him

      "Who's Monique?" I asked immediately.

      Frick glanced at Sir Gay, then looked at me.  "Monique?"

      "Who is she?"

      "No one," Sir Gay remarked.  "Just someone we used to know."

      "She's in there with Wolf," I stated, folding my arms.

      Frick swallowed and as soon as I noticed it, my heart sank.  "She's in there with him alone?"

      I nodded.  Frick pushed past me and I looked to Sir Gay for answers, but he just followed Frick.  As Frick reached for the doorknob, I stepped up behind them.  "They wanted to be alone," I mumbled.

      Frick awarded me a scolding sort of glance as he pushed the door open.

      I felt sick at the words I heard as the door swung open.  "…still love you," she was saying.

      Striding into the room, Frick spoke loudly.  "I'm sorry to interrupt.  I just wanted you to know that we're about done loading up.  This stuff up here is the last of it."

      "Thanks," Wolf said, avoiding eye contact with me as Monique stood so near him I could barely see light.  "Can we have another minute alone?"

      "I don't think that's a good idea," Frick said, folding his arms.

      "Why not?" Wolf snapped.

      Sir Gay stood beside me, protectively near.  I sucked in my lower lip as I watched.  Frick approached Wolf and whispered something in his ear.  Wolf glanced at Monique, the floor, the wall, and finally me with a quick, guilty look.  "I just need a minute," Wolf insisted.

      Frick gave Wolf a reprimanding look, then turned to us.  "Let's grab the rest of this and head down."  He lifted an amp and Sir Gay handed me some cords.  Sir Gay grabbed a guitar case as Frick led the way out of the room, but I looked back to Wolf before I followed.

      As we neared the van, I noticed Peter with a tall, thin woman who had been flirting with him throughout the show.  He had her up against the van, one hand on her ass and the other flat against the vehicle beside her head.  With their lips entwined, she had her hands on his sides.

      We walked around the back and Frick opened the doors.  As they put the last of the equipment inside, I finally spoke. "Who broke it off?"

      Sir Gay took the cords from me.  "She left him," he said.

      "Was it serious?"

      Sir Gay opened his mouth, but Frick jumped in.  "Don't answer that," he said, then looked to me.  "I think Wolf should answer it."

      I leaned on the bumper.  "That serious?"

      Frick touched my arm.  "Don't get worked up about it."

      Sir Gay leaned around the door. "Come on, Peter."

      I swallowed and leaned my head against the cool metal door. Peter stepped around, holding the woman's hand.  "What are we talking about?" he asked.

      "Nothing," Sir Gay said quickly.

      "Monique," I said with more disdain than I intended.  I had not wanted to let on that I felt any more on the matter. 

      When Peter looked at me with sympathy, something inside of me twitched.  "Why are we talking about Monique?"

      "She's up there talking with Wolf."  I shifted.  "Alone," I added.

      Peter turned to the woman.  "I'm sorry, Fiona.  Something's come up.  We'll hook up next week, I promise."

      Fiona looked put out, but he kissed her, whispered into her ear, then watched her go.  After that and the way he looked back at me with that look of concern, my nerves really kicked in.

      Frick took out his cell phone to make a call.  Peter and Sir Gay said nothing to comfort me so I just closed my eyes as I leaned and listened to Frick.

      "Yeah, we're going to head back to the studio…. Don't be long. We're taking Charlie with us and she'll be waiting for you…."

      "Actually, I was just thinking about going to my old apartment," I whispered toward Frick.

      He looked surprised.  "Don't take too long," Frick repeated, then hung up.  "Come with us to the studio.  I think we should hang out a while before you go home."

      I shook my head.  "I don't think I can do those stairs tonight.  I'm feeling very tired."  I felt more than tired.  Not only had talking about this Monique woman worn me down, but I had felt weak and ill most of the evening.

      "I'll take you home," Peter volunteered quickly.

      Frick shifted.  "Then we'll all go to a diner and grab a bite." He paused.  "Or we could go someplace else."

      I looked away.  "Thanks, Frick, but I'd really like to be alone."

      Peter and I were on our way to my old apartment when I leaned my head against the window.  I had been fidgeting, but not really aware of it.  Peter glanced at me, then watched the road.  "If he didn't tell you about her, it's probably because he didn't think he needed to."

      "I thought he told me everything.  He told me about Donna and Rachel and something that started with a J."

      "Julie."

      "Right.  Julie."  I looked down at my lap and noticed my fingers.  I stretched them out and placed them on my thighs.  "But I would have remembered if he ever mentioned Monique."  I looked to him.  "Are there others?"

      "No, that's it.  I mean, you know about the others.  Those are the only four he's had a real relationship with."

      I couldn't be sure what Peter had heard while he was kissing Fiona, so I didn't mention Frick's control over the situation.  Instead I asked, "Was it serious?"

      Peter licked his lips, keeping his vision focused on the road.  "Yes."

      "How serious?"

      "They were engaged."

      I closed my eyes a moment.  Taking a deep breath, I leaned my head back.  "Who left?"

      "Monique left him about a week before the wedding.  She said she wasn't sure she was completely in love with him."

      "I think I heard her tell him she loves him tonight."

      Peter glanced at me.  "I'm not sure Wolf still loves her," he said.

      "How long ago did they break up?"

      He furrowed his brow.  "Oh, at least three months before I met you on the train."

      I nodded slowly.  Peter had tried to make it sound like a long time, but it wasn't long enough for me.

      The quiet blocks that followed felt like miles.  Peter turned a corner and I looked out the side window, watching the street lights send periodical reflections of us both across the glass.  "I'm pregnant," I announced. 

      In the next flash, I saw him looking at me.  I saw him staring in the flash after it before he finally seemed to realize he needed to pay attention to the road.  "Does Wolf know?"

      I nodded.  "He's known for a while.  We just didn't think we would tell you and Sir Gay yet."

      "Does that mean Frick knows?"

      I nodded again.

      Peter drove silently until we reached my building.  I moved to open the door, but he hurriedly snapped the automatic locks.  I looked at him.  "Let's just talk a minute, okay?"

      I stared, blank.

      "No matter what happens, we're all here for you."

      "That's sweet, but you need to be there for Wolf."

      "I really think you should know that you don't have to worry.  Wolf and Monique were not equals.  At the time he adored her.  At the time we thought it would work.  Now that we've seen him with you… well, I can't speak for anyone else, but I think Monique would be a step backwards for him and you know Wolf.  He only looks ahead."

      I rubbed my forehead.  "But he's looking at a ready-made life with me.  Commitment, attachment.  With her he has the possibility of building up to it slowly." I glanced at him.  "If I had the chance to get out of this, I would," I said flatly, then sighed.  "I mean, not Wolf.  I like having him around, but I mean the rest of it.  This won't stop at just having a baby.  We've got to raise it and make sacrifices for it and it does mean committing to a life together, living together." I shrugged.  "Well, I guess we don't have to, but that's where we are.  Right now there's no reason for us not to be together and as long as that's the case, we've got a family coming.  I'm not ready for a family."

      "Maybe he is."

      "He says he is, but I think most guys who think kids are great like the part where they send them back to their parents when the kid starts to cry or whine or have a temper tantrum."

      Peter chuckled.  "Well, I know that's true with me," he said.

      "Well, it's how I feel too, so how are we going to raise a kid?"

      In that instant, Peter glanced over my shoulder and I heard a tapping at the window.  I jumped a mile high, then turned toward the sound.  Wolf stood on the other side.  I had my hand over my heart as he lifted his to wave me out.  I looked at Peter and he nodded.  "If you need to talk later, you can call me."

      I got out of the car slowly.  Wolf gave me little room to close the door without touching him.  I moved to the side as I straightened to give myself some space.  "I didn't mean to scare you when I knocked," he said humbly.  I said nothing so he spoke again.  "What are you doing here?"

      "I'm paid up until the end of the month," I told him.

      He nodded slowly.  "Planning to stay long?"

      I looked at him, but I feared the hurt might show so I turned to lean down and see Peter.  I waved him away and he nodded with a comforting smile before he shifted the car into gear and drove off.  I turned back to Wolf.  "Why didn't you tell me about her?"

      "There's not that much to tell," he said.

      "I don't think that's accurate.  You told me so many stories about Rachel and high school and how your high school sweetheart broke up with you in a letter when she went to school out of state.  I think you told me so much about Julie I feel like I dated her.  Donna…"

      "I get it," he snapped, rubbing his temple.

      "But Monique.  You almost married her and you never said her name."

      He frowned.  "Who told you?"

      "Does it matter?  Is it a lie?"

      He sighed.  "No."

      "What did she want?"

      He flopped down on the curb, his feet in the gutter and his elbows on his knees.  "Me," he murmured.

      I sat beside him, my legs crossed on the strip of grass.  He immediately turned his head to face me.  "It doesn't matter, though.  I got rid of her."

      I swallowed.  "You didn't have to."

      "Huh?"

      "I don't want you to feel obligated because of the situation I'm in, Wolf.  I know things between us have been like a carnival ride.  We stayed on it together, but Monique is reality.  You can get off the ride if you want."

      He shook his head.  "Interesting metaphor."  One of my hands was nearer him than I realized until he touched it lightly.  "You're the reality, Charlie.  I already rode Monique and," he stopped to chuckle.  "Wow, that really is a bad metaphor."

      I cocked my head.

      "I won't lie to you because the guys will tell you the truth, but I loved her.  I was fucking head over heels for her.  I'd have done anything.  I'd have brought her the moon if she asked."

      I raised my eyebrows, waiting for the part that had brought him back to me.

      "When she left I thought it wasn't worth it.  None of it was worth it.  Why go through all that just to feel so empty?  I didn't want to get used to feeling attached to someone again, which worked just fine for a while."  He stopped speaking.  Removing his hand from mine, he turned back toward the street and stared at nothing in particular. 

      I waited a while before I broke the silence he had created.  "So why are you here with me?  I heard her say that she still loves you."

      He looked down, then, and rested his head in his hands.  "You never asked me for anything."  He folded his arms and placed his head on it, looking sideways at me.  "I mean, you wouldn't ask me for the moon."

      "Don't be so sure.  That sounds like a pretty nice offer."

      He gave an obligatory scoff.  "What I had with Monique isn't good enough for me anymore."

      "She's very sexy, though."

      For an instant, his face twitched before settling into a frown.  "You think so?"

      I nodded.

      He shrugged.  We looked at each other a moment before he turned his entire body and leaned in to kiss me.  I closed my eyes.  He kissed me for several seconds before moving his hands to brush against my inner thigh.  When he pulled back, he smiled.

      "I read somewhere that 75% of men will cheat on their wives with an ex."

      Opening his eyes wide, I could see him trying not to smile.  "Wow.  It's a good thing we're not married."  He pursed his lips and I leaned toward him for another kiss.  Just as our lips were about to touch, he breathed, "yet," and ran his fingers into my hair.

      After we kissed for a couple of minutes, he looked at me almost sleepily.  "Can I take you home now?"

      I pulled a face.  "I didn't make much of a stand coming here for ten minutes."

      "It wouldn't have been much of a stand anyway because as long as you stayed, I would have stayed."

      "Who says I'd let you in?"

      "I'd sleep on the front step."  I patted his arm playfully and he chuckled.  "What?  You'd have to come out eventually and when you did, we'd talk."

      I sighed.  "We can go," I said softly.  He stood first and helped me to my feet.

§§§§§




      I didn't tell him why I felt weak.  I didn't tell him about the bleeding nor did I give him a reason why I wouldn't fool around with him when we went to bed that night.  I knew what was coming, but the reality of what happened in my body compared to what warnings I read in a pregnancy book were nothing alike. In the darkness, I woke to feel a terrible cramping.  I half expected them to feel like pre-menstrual cramps, but they were much worse.

      I didn't know what to think or how I felt until I found myself curled up on the floor in the bathroom, holding my knees and sobbing as silently as I could.  Obviously not silently enough, my tears were interrupted by a knock at the door.

      "Charlie?  Are you in there?" Wolf asked.

      I sniffed hard and wiped my cheek.  "Yeah," I forced out as smoothly as possible.

      "Are you okay?"

      Was I okay?  I felt like that was a cruel question which I couldn't answer.  I choked on the lump in my throat.  Somehow I had started to want the baby enough to feel incredible loss and emptiness as I sat there.

      "Charlie?" Wolf tapped on the door again.  "Let me in."

      "No," I snapped, then sputtered as a sob caught in my throat.

      "Can… I…" he stuttered.  He was silent a moment before he collected himself.  "What can I do?"

      I wiped my nose with three squares of toilet paper and threw it away.  "It's too late," I breathed.

      "What?"

      "Nothing.  There's nothing you can do," I managed, swallowing hard as I wiped at my cheeks again.

      "Please talk to me," he said in a pleading, somber voice.

      I sat there a moment before finally reaching up and turning the knob just enough to pop the lock.  He opened it and I tried not to look at him standing there in the doorway.  I knew he'd be stunned.  I had cleaned up to be presentable, but felt certain my face had red streaks from the tears and rubbing.  He furrowed his eyebrows at the book on the floor beside me before he squatted.  "Are you sick?" he asked hesitantly.  I could hear from his tone that he knew the answer.

      I shook my head and the tears came again.  He touched my arm and I curled into him, crying into his chest.  "I'm a fucking mess," I mumbled into his flesh.

      He had one arm around me.  When I looked up, I could see he used the other to rub his temple.  "What do you want to do?"

      I sniffled and took a deep breath so I could catch up with myself again. "Don't know.  The books I got don't say much."  I tapped the one beside me.  "This is the only one that mentions… miscarriage," I choked as the word fell from my mouth and the rest came out more strained.  "And it doesn't say much."

      "Should I take you to the hospital or something?"

      I shook my head.  "I don't think so."

      He sighed deeply and I felt him relax slightly.

      "I'm sorry," I said.

      At that, he moved to the side and looked into my face.  "Hey.  Don't say that."

      I raised my head.  I felt scolded, but he blinked and shook his head.  "I mean, don't be upset because of me.  I don't want that from you."

      I nodded slowly.  Without another word, we sat on the cold floor for a long time.  Eventually, Wolf helped me to my feet and guided me to bed where we cuddled wordlessly for the rest of the night.

§§§§§




      Though it had not proven itself extremely helpful, the book at least prepared me for what bleeding occurred off and on for the next couple of days.

      Thursday, Frick called us early before work and I answered.  Wolf stood near the closet buttoning his shirt.  I answered the phone beside the bed, motioning to Wolf who it was as soon as he identified himself.

      "So this last weekend we kind of got distracted.  I had a surprise for you."

      "For me?"

      "Well, everyone, but I kind of wanted to tell you first because it's your fault."

      "What did I do now?"

      "That night outside the studio I know I said some crazy things."  He paused only briefly.  "I thought about what you said, though. Not right away, but, see, Reno called and left me a message.  I thought about talking to him."

      "Really?" I smiled.  "How did that go?"

      "A little hard the first couple times we talked, but," he breathed loudly.  "With all that's happened I didn't want to miss out on living my life."

      He stopped.  I waited.  Finally I had to know.  "And?"

      "He's flying in tomorrow.  I want to have a little get together tomorrow night at the studio."

      "That's good news, Frick.  You going to talk some more in person?"

      "No, he's moving back here.  I asked him to."

      I straightened.  "That's awesome. Can I tell Wolf?"

      "Of course.  I need to call the other guys and tell them about the party."

      "We'll talk later," I said and hung up as soon as he had said good-bye.

      Wolf raised his eyebrows.  "So?"

      "Frick asked Reno to move back and he's coming tomorrow.  He wants to have a party."

      Wolf looked pensive a moment.  "I bet they'll be happy," he said at last.

      My smile faded.  "I'm sure of it," I said, feeling slightly dizzy. Wolf looked at me oddly as I passed him into the kitchen.

      "Are you okay?  You suddenly went pale," he said, following me.

      "Yeah.  I think I just need something to eat.  I feel kind of lightheaded."

      He hurried past me into the kitchen. "I can get something.  Why don't you sit down?"

      I thought of arguing, but instead, I felt as though my brain had left my body all at once.  I remember my knees giving way.

      The next thing I remembered was smelling rubbing alcohol and hearing quiet sounds I could not identify.  When I opened my eyes a slit, the word sterile popped into my brain.  I first saw the gaudy curtain all around me and immediately I knew where I was.  "Oh, fuck," I breathed, accentuating a pounding headache.  An instant later, Wolf appeared in my vision.

      "You passed out," he said.

      I rolled my eyes.  "That's officially the girliest fucking thing I've ever done."

      He smiled.  "I'm going to tell someone you're awake."  He disappeared. 

      When he returned, a nurse followed.  She stepped up to the end of the bed and pressed a button until my head was propped.  I noticed her watching the machines as she sat me up, then she made some notes.  "A doctor will be by in a few minutes," she said flatly, then stepped outside of the curtain.

      "What happened?" I asked, not moving as I still felt weak.

      Wolf sat on the short rolling stool beside the bed and started to roll around.  "You passed out," he repeated.

      "No, I mean why?"

      "Oh, I don't know.  Doctor wouldn't tell me anything."  He swirled and scooted across the floor out of my range of view.

      "This sucks," I whispered.

      He rolled back, slamming his feet onto the floor to keep himself from getting caught by the curtain.  He looked to me with sudden epiphany.  "Oh, I called your boss, just so you know."

      "What did you tell him?"

      "That you're in the hospital.  I thought it might buy you a couple days if you want it."

      "What about you?"

      "Told them I'd be in tomorrow," he responded, sounding deflated.  "They gave me shit for calling in today."

      "Maybe you should go, then."

      He shrugged.  "I'd rather be here."  With a flourish, he rolled to my other side and ran into a chair so hard that he lost his balance.  As he slid off the stool onto the floor, a doctor came through the curtains.

      He looked around, then saw Wolf moving to his feet from beside the chair.  The doctor shook his head as though it wasn't the first time he'd seen it that day and walked over to put a hand on the chair.  Rolling it beside me, he looked at my chart.  "I'm Doctor Felds.  How do you feel?"

      "Okay," I said.

      "Any weakness, tenderness, or other symptoms you want to tell me about?"

      I looked up at the ceiling.  "A little weak.  My head is pounding if that's relevant."  Turning my head back to the doctor, he nodded and made a note.

      "It's relevant," he said as he wrote.  After a moment, he looked at Wolf.  "We'll need a moment," he said.  "There's a nice waiting area out there."

      I reached out.  "It's okay if he stays," I told Doctor Felds.

      Pondering a moment, Felds shifted.  "If you're sure."

      I nodded.

      "It's nothing serious.  You were very anemic so we put in this IV."  He tapped the plastic tubing that came from my hand.  "Your boyfriend said you had a miscarriage on Sunday?"  I nodded. He seemed to make a quick mark.  "You've probably been bleeding since then." I nodded again, though he went on without acknowledging it.  "Your iron levels are low, need some protein.  We checked everything out.  You'll be fine.  I'd like to keep you here another couple of hours and I'm going to prescribe some supplements."

      He shifted to write a prescription which he handed to me.  "I'll get someone to remove the IV now.  Grab someone if you feel sick or anything and when they release you, they'll give you some papers to let you know what you need to do."  He stood.

      "That's it?"

      He nodded.  "That's it.  We'll watch your levels off the IV and if it looks good, you should be out of here in time to have a late lunch."

      "Thanks," I said.  He nodded and left.  I turned to Wolf.  "See?  You don't need to be here.  Go back to work."

      He grabbed the chair and shook his head.  "And give up this joyride?  No way."

      I smirked.

§§§§§




      For three weeks, Wolf and I carefully avoided any subject that might reflect children, families, or loss.  I buried everything because he buried it and I spent most of my time wishing that it worked. Things with the recording company fell through, but Wolf wouldn't discuss even that.

      Sir Gay threw Wolf a birthday party which doubled as a housewarming for his newly acquired condominium.  Wolf invited a couple friends from his work as did the other guys and a few people from the clubs.  When we entered, I took in the surroundings. Sir Gay had bought a very beautiful apartment style place with fresh clean walls and hardwood floors.  He had nice wood furniture and a brand new black leather couch and recliner.  In the large blue and white kitchen, he'd spread out cold beer and microwave snacks.  I grabbed some mini wieners and cheese which I carried out to Wolf.

      He sat on the couch beside Peter and a brunette who seemed to be telling an amusing tale as both men were laughing while she waved her arms in the air.  I sat on the chair near Wolf and held out the plate.  He looked at me and smiled.  "Hey, Sir Gay said he had pretzels in the cupboard.  Do you mind grabbing some for me?"

      I set down the plate and stood to go back into the kitchen.  As I stood opening all the cupboards, Peter came in, laughing.  "Bonnie wanted some beer," he said as he grabbed three. 

      I frowned at him and when I finally found the pretzels, I grabbed a beer and headed out.  Just as I suspected, the three were for Peter, Wolf, and Bonnie.  I tossed Wolf the pretzels and sat down, opening my beer as I glared at him.

      She told a few stories and as people came and left, she went on.  I didn't say much as I didn't have an opportunity.  Eventually even Peter left and Wolf sat on the couch with her, listening.  Frick and Reno came by with beers and started to talk to me about the apartment.  I stood and we wandered around, critiquing everything.

      In the bedroom, Sir Gay came in and asked us what we thought he should do with it.  His bed had plain white and grey sheets and it was stark.

      Reno smiled.  "I put up pictures of naked men in our bedroom," he said.

      I chuckled as Frick nudged Reno in the ribs.  "I think you should hang up a whip, some hand cuffs.  You know, make it warm and cozy."

      Sir Gay and Reno chuckled.  Sir Gay shook his head.  "That's what I get for asking you guys.  I want to make this place mine.  It seems so boring right now."

      "I don't know what you like," I said, suddenly realizing it.  I heard a distinct laugh from the other room.  Reno and Frick started talking about Sir Gay's closets so I excused myself.  When I went back to the living room, I found Wolf had moved up close to Bonnie and she had her hand on his knee, though he took no notice.  I swallowed and turned to find Peter.  He stood talking to the guys from another band that had been invited so I went to him.

      "You know, Wolf is putting the moves on your date," I said.

      Peter glanced over.  "Oh, Bonnie works with Sir Gay.  She didn't come with me."

      "Oh."

      Peter smiled.  "Jealous?"

      I shook my head, then walked back to the couch, sitting on Wolf's other side.  I leaned toward him.  "Can we talk?"

      "Sure," he said, then held up his finger to Bonnei indicating one minute and walked with me toward the kitchen.  When I saw that Sir Gay, Frick, and Reno had moved into it, I led the way into the now empty bedroom.  "Look, you know I don't want to be the jealous girlfriend, but could you not flirt with her like that in front of me?"

      "I wasn't flirting," he said.

      I looked up and saw Peter looking in at us, so I took Wolf's arm and led him into the bathroom, closing the door behind us.  "She touched your leg," I said.

      He smiled.  "And that means I want to have sex with her." His sarcasm filled the room, but I felt more that he was teasing me.

      "Okay, I'm being stupid.  It's just that things have been kind of horrible lately and when you talk to her like that…"

      "They're horrible because you won't talk to me."

      I folded my arms.  "You haven't been talking to me either."

      "What am I supposed to say?"

      "I don't know.  That you're glad we're not having a baby or maybe mad.  I don't even know how you feel about it," I snapped.

      "It's done, Charlie. I don't know what you want from me."

      "I don't know. I guess I just need to hear you say something."

      "Something?  I can't say anything to you," he snarled.

      "Why not?  Have I been that unbearable?"

      "Well, you're glad to be rid of it, aren't you?  I bet you love being off the hook."

      I blinked back a tear.  "That's what you think?"

      "You were scared of having a family and having to promise me things.  Now we're free as birds, right?  Just like you always wanted."

      Staring a moment, I swallowed until I could speak.  "I was terrified of raising a baby, but having a family with you…" I wiped my suddenly dry lips.  "I feel so empty now.  I thought I couldn't handle wanting things from you and needing things from you, but now I just feel like I failed at carrying the one thing between us that might have meant more than my pride."

      "You didn't fail," he said quickly.

      "I did, and now you look at me with that look." I almost choked when I thought of the look, but he didn't seem to know what I was talking about.  "That look like you're disappointed in me," I added.

      He shook his head.  "There's no look.  I don't blame you, Charlie.  If anything I love you more, but I'm not disappointed in you."

      "You can't even touch me.  You don't look at me that way anymore like you want me.  Everything in our life has gone cold."

      "I didn't think you wanted me to come close to you.  You don't touch me either, you know.  You move away when I come close."

      "I'm terrified of getting hurt," I breathed.

      At once, he grabbed me and kissed me.  In an instant, he had his hands all over my body and his tongue licking my mouth.  I didn't think of where we were or whether we could be heard as he deftly removed my pants and threw me awkwardly against the edge of the sink, my back banging the medicine cabinet.  I threw one hand against the wall and wrapped my other arm around him tightly.  He sucked my lips into his mouth, nipping them, his teeth touching my jaw, then back to my mouth as he pushed his way inside me.  My head hit the tiled wall and he thrust in again.  Pumping hard, his hand reached under my shirt to knead my breast.  The things in the cabinet rattled to a sexual rhythm, my heart racing around my chest.  He moved his hand out and to my neck.  He tasted my lips, my chin, my neck as his fingers cradled my ear and his thumb pressed into my jugular.

      I thought momentarily of the noise and tried to breathe quietly when I came, but instead a loud gasping groan escaped me.  The bumping shifted things enough that a few things clattered their way from the medicine cabinet making the noises I made unimportant.  Wolf's lips froze against mine as he growled and held himself hard against me.  He licked my lower lip and pumped once more. Staying inside me, his lips touching my earlobe as he whispered.  "Marry me," I thought I heard, but I couldn't be sure.

      I pushed him back and he moved as though nothing had happened, cleaning himself up.  I rested one foot on the toilet and stared at him.  As he zipped his pants, he finally met my gaze.  "No matter what else happens or doesn't happen, I want you to know that I would like it if you would marry me."

      "That's kind of…" I began, but couldn't finish.  Finally gathering myself, I dressed my lower half.

      "Think about it.  I don't want you to answer unless you're absolutely sure.  I can't take it if someone walks out on me again."

      I nodded soberly.  He kissed me quickly before he opened the door and we stepped out.

      "… No, I'm not kidding guys.  I will move," I heard Sir Gay saying as we stepped through the bedroom door.  He then cleared his throat and turned away, moving into the kitchen.

      "Sorry," Wolf offered as he passed, but Sir Gay shot him an angry glance. He turned to me.  "Maybe we should go."

      "Yes," I said.  He nodded and took my hand, but I didn't move.  "I mean, we could leave, but the answer is yes."

      He stopped, smiling at me a moment before he took me in his arms and kissed me again.

      "My God, can't you guys keep your hands off each other for a second?" Sir Gay snapped.

      Wolf pulled back, chuckling.

      "I just don't want to start talking about dates or plans, okay?  I know I want to be with you, but I don't want to think about some fancy dress and cake and shit yet."

      Wolf just smiled until Frick stepped forward.  "What are you talking about?" he asked, knowingly.

      Wolf stared at me as he spoke.  "Charlie has agreed to marry me."

      "Eventually," I added.

      "Eventually," Wolf said.

      "Dear God, it won't stop," Sir Gay murmured as Wolf kissed me again.


§§§§§


           Wolf went back to school and by the time he graduated, Sir Gay had already met a woman at work and married her.  Of course, they went away for a weekend and came back from a drive-thru wedding chapel in Vegas with the certificate, but it was a marriage nonetheless.

      Frick and Reno seemed quite happy living together.  Reno had to get a new job, but confided in me once that he wanted nothing more than to be with Frick.

      Peter became the new player of the band, known for picking up the hottest women at nearly every show, stopping at a girlfriend every now and then.

      Wolf found a better job and through it all, none of them ever gave up on the band.  A couple years later, they did get signed by a local studio who set them up with a lot of live shows in surrounding areas and sold their CDs on the internet.  The boys never got to quit their jobs, but they felt quite happy with the recognition they received.

          Eventually, Wolf and I moved into a bigger place of our own.  I found I could settle down and that I started to actually depend on having him there.  We didn't get married, though.  I thought it was something that Wolf needed, but as we woke up together every morning and argued about things like towels on the floor and socks in the couch, he never asked.  In some sort of lazy way, we never started making plans so nothing ever came of it.  Somehow, knowing that we each wanted it seemed to be enough for us.

The End
2005
  ALL poetry fiction fanfiction blog