Mountie Python & the Quest for the Holy Grill
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STARRING
Benton Fraser: the Mountie
Diefenbaker: Dief. Aw, what a cute little doggie!
Stanley Raymond Kowalski: the replacement ferret
You know, a friend of mine had a ferret. She named it "Rat" because a ferret is basically a big rat. Then she sold the ferret and replaced it with a cat. She named the cat "Rat" because...
The persons responsible for writing the credits have been sacked. We apologize. Now back to the story.
Turnbull: Comic Relief
Bob: Hamlet’s father
Margaret Thatcher: Former Prime Minister
The persons responsible for sacking the people who have been sacked have just been sacked. We apologize. Now back to the story.
Francesca Vecchio: Civilian Aide
Mort: the butcher
Butch: the mortician
Huey and Dewey: Donald’s nephews
Arrrrgh! The persons responsible for sacking the people who sacked the people who have been sacked have just been sacked...
EXT. STREET
It is a busy street. The sidewalk runs past a number of small stores by local owners. Ray and Fraser come out of a bookstore and begin walking down the street. Ray is carrying a cookbook and putting a receipt in his back pocket.
FRASER: Despite what you say, Ray, I am still confused. What would you want with a cookbook?
RAY: Ok, Fraze, one more time. The book is called 101 ways to Prepare Lamb Chops. The author of the book is Sherry Lewis. Shari Lewis does the sock puppet show starring a lamb. Don’t you see the humor?
FRASER: I cannot see what you will do with all of those recipes for lamb chops. You don’t even cook.
RAY: (shaking his head) Fraser, I’m going to have to ask you to let this one go. You just don’t get it.
That instant, a bright light shines suddenly upon the two. They look up to the sky, but are blinded. As they cover their eyes, there is a voice.
GOD (VO): Ah good. I'm glad I caught you.
Ray and Fraser look at each other confused, then turn back to the light.
GOD (VO): I’m looking for a missing grill and I need your help.
Again, the two look at each other confused, then look back up.
FRASER: Do you, perhaps, mean grail?
GOD (VO): Are you questioning me?
FRASER: (Fraser stutters before spilling out the words) No! Of course not!
The light disappears. Ray and Fraser are left in the street staring at each other, baffled. After a moment. Fraser speaks.
FRASER: (After a silence) Did you see that?
RAY: See what?
FRASER: Didn’t you see that light? Did you hear that voice?
RAY: (Pauses with a blank look for a moment before replying.) Nope. Nope, I didn’t see a thing. Didn’t hear a thing.
FRASER: (Straightens) Ok. I didn’t see or hear anything either.
RAY: Pitter patter, let’s get at ‘er.
INT. GTO
Fraser’s Stetson is resting on the dashboard.
RAY: Fraser?
FRASER: Yes?
RAY: Can I ask you a question?
FRASER: Certainly
RAY: How do we go about searching for a diner?
Fraser ponders the question for several moments. A noise comes from the back seat and Fraser turns to see his father in the back seat. He raises his eyebrows.
BOB: Well, don’t look at me, son. I haven’t the foggiest.
FRASER: I don’t know, Ray. Perhaps we should start at the Consulate.
RAY: Why the Consulate?
FRASER: (Pauses and thinks a moment before speaking.) Haven’t you been paying attention? We’ve been doing this show for years now and you still haven’t noticed that I have all the answers?
RAY: Consulate it is.
INT. INSPECTOR THATCHER’S OFFICE
Turnbull is pushing a TV cart into the office. There is a TV on top, a videotape on the TV, and below is a VCR box. Thatcher stands and watches, then she looks up and sees Fraser followed by Ray. She promptly motions them into her
office.
MEG: Constable? What are you doing here? I didn’t expect to see you so soon.
FRASER: Ah, yes. We came here to... begin an investigation.
Meg looks confused. In the background, Turnbull is trying to open the box on the new VCR and having much trouble.
MEG: An investigation? What sort of investigation?
FRASER: (Clears his throat and tugs at his collar.) The detective and I are in search of (His voice becomes barely audible.) a holy diner.
MEG: (Cocks her head.) I’m sorry, Constable? What did you say?
RAY: You mean grill, Fraser. God said a grill.
MEG: (Even more surprised) I’m sorry? God? Grill?
FRASER: (Straightens, swallows, and tries to look professional.) Ray and I encountered... an apparition of sorts. A... voice told us to find the holy grill.
MEG: (Looks back and forth between them.) Have you two gone completely loony?
FRASER: Yes, sir. I believe that may be true.
Meg nods, then looks at Turnbull who is still struggling to open the box. He falls to his knees and finally pops the lid as the three turn to watch him.
RAY: Turnbull? (Turnbull stops what he is doing and turns to them.) Need some help?
TURNBULL: (Stands) No, sir. I’ve got this under control.
MEG: Turnbull, you can’t even open the box.
TURNBULL: On the contrary. The box is open.
They say nothing, only watch as he reaches into the box and tries to remove the VCR. Again he has a lot of trouble. Meg steps over and pulls the VCR out for him.
TURNBULL: Thank you, ma’am, but I am quite capable of...
MEG: Turnbull, you couldn’t even get it out of the box. How on earth do you think you are going to manage hooking it up? I am supposed to be watching this tape from headquarters as we speak!
TURNBULL: (Full of himself, Turnbull smiles and takes the tape from on top of the TV.) That’s easy. I have this tape. It’s an instructional video.
MEG: (Looks at Fraser, then turns back.) Pardon me?
TURNBULL: (Excited.) This is an instructional video explaining exactly how to set up a VCR. It’s the latest thing.
Meg steps back beside Fraser as Ray breaks into uncontrollable laughter.
FRASER: What are you going to do, sir?
MEG: I just don’t know. (Looks at her watch.) Time him to see how long it takes him to figure it out, I suppose.
FRASER: (Nods) Now, about this grill...
MEG: Well, where do you intend to begin?
FRASER: Begin, sir?
MEG: What did God... I mean, if it was God you heard... what did God say?
RAY: (Who has finally stopped laughing) Well, it told us that it needed help finding a holy grill.
MEG: And?
FRASER: And, ma’am?
MEG: Well, where were you told to begin this quest?
FRASER: (Clears his throat.) We weren’t, ma’am. It sort of... dissipated before expounding.
Meg rolls her eyes and leaves the office. Fraser and Ray follow her, then Turnbull is seen staring at the tape, the VCR, and the television while scratching his head.
MEG: (Mumbling under her breath something that sounds like: )What kind of incompetent fools work in this blessed city while I have to go out and figure things out for these loonys who believe they have heard the voice of God, my
foot! (Steps outside and down the steps and stops. Fraser and Ray follow, then stop just behind her. Meg looks up to the sky.) Hey! (Pause) HEY!... HEY YOU! Whoever gave my officer this assignment. Speak now! (They wait. Nothing.)
HEY! I’m not kidding around out here. I demand you talk to us!
The sky lights up brightly as before.
GOD (VO): (Snicker.) You demand? (Speaks to no one in particular.) She demands? (Several laughing voices, including that of God, fill the skies.) Precisely who do you think you are?
MEG: My name is Inspector Margaret Thatcher of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I first came to Chicago on the trail of... (Stops and turns to Fraser.) Wait. I think that’s your line, isn’t it?
Fraser nods. Meg turns back to the sky.
GOD (VO): All right, all right. What is it you want?
MEG: Where do we find this grill?
GOD (VO): How should I know? If I knew that I wouldn’t be sending a couple piddly little earthlings looking for it, now would I?
MEG: Pardon me, but there is no reason to be insubordinate...
GOD (VO): Insubordinate? Insubordinate to whom? Listen, lady, I am God, here, ok?
MEG: (Deep sigh) All right, then tell us where to begin. (Silence.) Well?
GOD (VO): I’m not talking to you.
MEG: What?
GOD (VO): Are you having trouble hearing my booming Godlike voice?
MEG: No.
GOD (VO): I’m not talking to you. I don’t like you. Where’s that polite fellow?
FRASER: Uh, here?
GOD (VO): I know that. Don’t you think I can see? I’m God for pity’s sake.
FRASER: (Waits a moment, but the sky is silent.) Uh, well, can you tell us, uh, something to help us?
GOD (VO): Not really.
RAY: Got a mug shot of this grill?
GOD (VO): Oh, I suppose I could show you some sort of vision. (A very deep sigh resounds) Visions always take so much out of me. (Pause) Here. (A picture of a golden goblet appears in the sky.)
FRASER: (Clears his throat.) Um, I don’t mean to...(Pause) That appears to be a grail.
GOD (VO): Say ‘sir’.
FRASER: Pardon?
GOD (VO): I said, say ‘sir’.
FRASER: Sir?
GOD (VO): No. After that remark about the grail, say ‘sir’.
FRASER: (Runs a thumbnail along his brow and clears his throat again.) That appears to be a grail, sir.
GOD (VO): (Snickering and speaking to the same no one in particular as before) I love making them do that. (Back to booming voice.) Oh, sorry ‘bout that. (Grail disappears. In it’s place appears a red and black object.)
FRASER: Uh... that isn’t a diner, sir.
RAY: No it isn’t, Fraze. It’s one of those Red Devil Barbecue Grills!
GOD (VO): Well, yes, but this is a special Red Devil Barbecue Grill.
RAY: What do you mean? Why don’t we just go to K-Mart and pick one up?
GOD (VO): (Firmly) Because this is my Grill and I want it back. See this scratch just above the handle? That was from the barbecue to celebrate Moses parting the Red Sea. Do you see that ding on the back of the cover? That
was made during commemoration of King Arthur’s quest.
RAY: (Silent a moment.) Oh.
Light disappears just as Turnbull comes out of the Consulate carrying a videotape. He steps up to Meg.
TURNBULL: Sir? I believe I may have encountered a problem.
MEG: (Rolls eyes, but continues calmly.) Are you certain, Constable?
TURNBULL: (Pauses to think.) Yes indeedy do. I have encountered a problem with the new VCR.
MEG: (Shakes head a little and begins walking in the Consulate with Turnbull.) It’s all right, Constable. (To Fraser and Ray.) Please keep me abreast of the... situation. (Exit)
FRASER: Understood.
RAY: Well, Fraze, now what?
FRASER: Perhaps we could try the information available through the computer terminals at the 27th precinct.
RAY: You mean, go back to the station?
FRASER: Affirmative.
INT. 27TH PRECINCT-DETECTIVE DIVISION
Ray steps through the door marked B-217 and holds it an extra moment as Fraser and Diefenbaker step inside. Dief leads the way to Francesca’s desk. Across from it is a chair.
RAY: Hey Frannie.
FRANNIE: (Looks up from her computer, smiling when she notices Fraser.) Hello, Fraser.
RAY: We got a, uh, let’s call it a lost and found. Can ya look into it?
FRANNIE: Why? (Looking directly at Fraser.)
FRASER: I’d rather not say
RAY: See what you can find on a grill.
FRANNIE: Huh?
RAY: A very important person is looking for his barbecue grill. It was lost or stolen or something. Would you type it in there? (Pointing at her computer)
FRANNIE: (Begins typing and mumbling) Well, how important are we talking here. I mean, is this a friend of Ray’s? That would be important to Ray, although, if it’s Fraser’s friend, it would be important to Fraser and that
would make it important to me. You know, if it’s something like the Mayor, why can’t he just buy a new grill?
Meanwhile, Ray wanders over to the desks of Huey and Dewey. He looks down and sees a can of Spam placed on Huey’s desk. Fraser steps up behind Ray as Ray picks up the can and looks at it. Huey looks up, sees Ray, snatches the
can, and sets it back on the desk.
RAY: What?
HUEY: Don’t touch that.
RAY: Why not?
DEWEY: Because he told you not to.
RAY: What’re you doing with a can of Spam on your desk that I’m not allowed to touch anyway?
HUEY: Evidence.
RAY: Evidence?
DEWEY: You heard him.
RAY: Evidence of what?
HUEY: It’s evidence in the fatal case of vandalism Lieutenant Welsh assigned us this morning.
RAY: Fatal... Vandalism?
FRANNIE: (Interrupting) I think I’ve got something.
Ray spins and follows Fraser back to her desk. She turns the monitor sideways so that Ray and Fraser can stand across the desk from her and see it. Fraser begins to sit in the seat, stops, and pulls something out from under him.
He hands a half empty pack of cigarettes to Francesca who doesn’t take them.
FRASER: Oh, I’m terribly sorry, Francesca. I seem to have crushed your cigarettes.
RAY: (Seeing an opportunity, grins.) Smokes.
FRASER: Pardon?
RAY: Call them smokes. (His grin widens.)
FRASER: Oh. Francesca, I seem to have crushed your smokes.
Ray begins laughing, Francesca snatches the pack from Fraser and glares at Ray.
FRANNIE: (Under her breath.) I wish. (To Fraser.) They aren’t mine, but I’ll find out who they belong to.
FRASER: What did you find?
FRANNIE: Well, I punched in a few searches and turned up nothing.
RAY: I thought you said...
FRANNIE: If you’d let me finish! (pauses until Ray shuts his mouth.) But then I did another search and turned up this really weird cop page.
RAY: (Confused) Cop page? (Glances at the monitor.) Police report, you mean?
FRANNIE: Same thing. Anyway, there was this disturbance. Seems a group of Mounties were having a gathering at some big park in Skokie. There was some sort of argument with a group of lumberjacks over a barbecue grill. You know,
one of those big red ones sold on TV?
RAY: (Surprised) A Red Devil Barbecue Grill?
FRANNIE: Yeah, one of those. Anyway, one of the lumberjacks ended up dead. Something about singing and wearing dresses. Doesn’t make much sense to me. That’s all I know.
RAY: So what happened to the dead lumberjack?
FRANNIE: Freezer. He ended up in our morgue for some reason.
RAY: Mort. (Frannie nods.) So what happened to the grill?
FRANNIE: (Looking back at her computer.) This is weird.
RAY: Yeah?
FRANNIE: Well, some eccentric old guy built a castle. Apparently, the lumberjacks holed up in the abandoned castle and won’t let the Mounties have it back.
RAY: (Furrows his brow.) Can you get the address?
FRANNIE: (Nodding) Yeah, gimme a minute. (She begins typing)
Ray walks back to Huey’s desk. He casually picks up the Spam can again.
HUEY: I told you not to touch it.
RAY: I’m just looking. (Begins reading the back of the can.) "Made from pork products and ham." (Pauses and looks up.) Isn’t ham a pork product?
DEWEY: They’re different.
RAY: No. I mean, pork is pig, right? Ham is a product of pig, so ham is a pork product.
HUEY: So?
RAY: So, it says "Made from pork products and ham." So...
FRASER: Well, it’s true. Most people think of ham as a pork product, but ham is smoked.
RAY: Right. Before it was smoked, though, it was a pork product. It’s still a pork product.
FRASER: Is a raisin still a grape?
RAY: This says pork products. I still say a raisin is a grape product.
FRASER: You know, Stan, if you realized what they mean by "pork product" you would probably consider ham to be different.
RAY: Ew. (Places can of Spam back on Huey’s desk.)
FRANNIE: Well, here ya go. (Hands a piece of paper to Fraser with a wink.)
FRASER: Thank you kindly, Francesca.
The two begin to walk from the station. As they pass the cafeteria, they hear a conversation and stop. The two carrying on have strong English accents.
MAN BEARING STRIKING RESEMBLANCE TO JOHN CLEESE: (Dressed like a police officer, is holding a can of Spam and reading it.) It says right ‘ere on the can. Slice into eight to ten slices. I can see clearly that you have cut eleven
slices.
MAN BEARING STRIKING RESEMBLANCE TO ERIC IDLE: Well, what do you want me to do about it?
JOHN: I’m going to ‘ave to arrest you.
ERIC: Look! A turtle! (Eats a slice quickly.) I only count ten.
JOHN: What are you doing! You’ve eaten the evidence!
ERIC: No I didn't.
JOHN: You did! I saw you!
ERIC: I didn't!
JOHN: All right. Come with me.
A scuffle begins between the two.
RAY: (Looks at Fraser) Run away!
The two disappear from the cafeteria doorway.
EXT. CASTLE PANNING OUT
At first, the castle is amongst trees, but as the shot widens, it is between an insurance company building and a bank. Ray and Fraser are standing in front of this small castle.
RAY: Well, now what?
FRASER: (yells) Hello?
Someone steps through the front door dressed in chain mail.
KNIGHT: Can I help you?
RAY: Yeah. We’re looking for a grill.
KNIGHT: Try the K-Mart. It’s three blocks south on your right.
FRASER: I must apologize. I do not believe my friend made himself clear. We are looking for a particular grill. We understand it is here.
KNIGHT: Oh, you mean the barbecue grill the lumberjacks are using? Um, yeah. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to go away.
RAY: Look pal...
FRASER: Ray, yelling will not accomplish anything.
RAY: I’ll feel better.
FRASER: (To knight) Yes, well, we have been asked by a... uh... rather superior...
KNIGHT: Superior? I recognize the red getup. You’re one of those stupid Mounties trying to get our grill. Off with you. (Starts to walk back inside.)
FRASER: Perhaps an exchange?
KNIGHT: (Stops and turns.) An exchange? (Fraser nods) What kind of exchange?
FRASER: Surely there is something you want.
KNIGHT: (thinks for several minutes.) Yeah. I want you to bring me an otter.
RAY: Are you nuts?
KNIGHT: An otter! (Turns and hurries inside.)
INT. CASTLE
The knight approaches a group of men in suspenders and plaid shirts. Behind them, one of them is flipping burgers on a red grill.
KNIGHT: I told them to bring me an otter!
All the men begin laughing.
EXT. ZOO
Fraser and Ray stand beside the Otter habitat.
RAY: Are you crazy, Fraze? We can’t steal an otter.
FRASER: I have a plan.
RAY: What kind of a plan?
FRASER: (Pauses.) A cunning one.
RAY: (Leans toward Fraser.) How cunning?
FRASER: A plan so cunning you could read a book with it.
RAY: (Furrowing his brow, then shaking his head.) Ok, I’m guessing it starts with the theft of an otter.
FRASER: On the contrary. We aren’t going to steal it, we are going to borrow it. (Begins leaning over the wall surrounding the otters.)
RAY: Borrow? Is that kind of like stealing? I mean, you’re a Mountie, Fraze. You probably couldn’t steal a box of candy.
FRASER: (Straightens.) On the contrary, Ray. I stole a box of Milk Duds.
RAY: (Shocked.) What?
FRASER: Well, don’t act so surprised. How else do you think I got in jail?
RAY: WHAT? Jail? For Milk Duds?
FRASER: I suppose, technically, I didn’t steal them. It was more like they were placed in my pocket by Detective Gardino.
RAY: All right, Fraser. Stop. I just decided I don’t want to know.
FRASER: All right. Now help me get this otter as it swims this way. (Leans over the wall again.)
RAY: We can’t do this, Fraze. It’s not logical.
FRASER: Logic, schmogic. Now help me.
EXT. CASTLE
FRASER: (Yells) Hello?
KNIGHT: (Exits building and stops when he sees Ray struggling to hold an otter.)
FRASER: Now, about the grill.
KNIGHT: Nope.
RAY: But you said if we brought you an otter... Well, here it is!
KNIGHT: We’ve already got one.
RAY: Then what do you want?
KNIGHT: How about a swallow?
FRASER: African or European?
RAY: (turns to Fraser.) This is all getting rather silly.
FRASER: Agreed.
RAY: What do you say? We done?
FRASER: Sure.
Ray tosses the otter to the knight who falls to the ground as it hits him.
AND NOW
THE PUNCH LINE
FRASER: It’s a good thing they didn’t ask for a coconut.